Liberation feminism or equality feminism?
In a patriarchal society, there is no difference.

What do I do if I don’t like the politics of my therapist?
Find another therapist. (It’s less about the politics, and more about your therapist making inappropriate self-disclosures.)

do you buy the whole “social liberal, fiscal conservative” thing? People who call themselves that make me uneasy. Aren’t the two ideologies interlinked?
When someone says they’re “socially liberal but fiscally conservative,” what they really mean is, “I wanna do whatever I want, and I don’t wanna pay any taxes.” It’s a phrase for Republican apologists and selfish people who aren’t quite ready to identify as libertarians.

What I’ve learnt in the past few years, through your blog and in my own life, is that nothing lasts forever. I want to get this realisation tattooed on my body but I can’t seem to find a way to put in down in four or five simple words. Some help, please?
The phrase you’re looking for is “sic transit gloria mundi,” and I hope you appreciate the irony of permanently signifying your impermanence.

I have always felt as though the way you ring in New Years Eve has a way of affecting the way the rest of your year goes. How do I stop feeling superstitious about it?
New Years Eve does have an effect on the way the rest of your year goes, but New Years Eve is not special. Every minute of every hour of every day has the exact same effect. When you realize that each present moment is equally new, you will no longer feel superstitious about New Years Eve.

What are your rules for an open relationship?
It doesn’t matter what my rules are. Make your own.

Bit by bit, I’m giving up.
Okay. Bit by bit, find something new.

I was giving him head, I looked up, and he was texting. Why did I keep going?
Because you weren’t finished.

How do I stop being a pretentious douche?
Cultivate your personality instead of curating your identity.

Convince me not to stay with a guy who (mid-intercourse) removed the condom I asked him to wear less than a month after I had an abortion.
If he doesn’t respect you with his actions, then his words mean nothing. You deserve respect. You deserve better than him, and you will feel better about yourself once he’s out of your life.

You’re a lot less mean and vicious than you were even two years ago. What happened to mellow you out?
It’s not just me. We’re all growing up.

I’ve been out with a new guy on about 4 dates. He recently told me that he has never been in a relationship. We’re both 26. Red flag?
Depends on what he considers a relationship. If it means he’s never been in love, it’s not a red flag. If it means he’s never been exclusive, it’s a yellow flag. If it means he’s never gone on a 5th date, it’s a red flag.

I slipped out of my old long-term relationship and quickly fell into him. Are all rebounds doomed to fail?
The only reason rebounds fail is because they’re defined by the previous relationship. If you have enough respect for your new relationship to stop considering it a rebound, then that won’t be the reason that it fails.

I told my dad I was gay. He said he loves me but *God willing* I’d be able to turn straight one day. Please help. I don’t know what to do right now.
You don’t have to do anything. You’re fine for now. Eventually, your father will be the one to change. If he is a decent man who loves you, his ignorance will slowly start to wear away into compassion, then understanding, then acceptance. It will take time, so be patient and be strong.

Why is it so painful to exist?
It isn’t painful to exist. It’s painful to think you exist. Stop thinking, and you will stop being in pain.

What do you think about Stoya’s accusation that James Deen raped her?
I absolutely believe her, and I’m not the least bit surprised.

The guy I’ve been casually been sleeping with was sexually abused as a child. We’re not a couple, but I have strong opinions on some of his self-destructive behavior that stems from the abuse. Where is the line of “not my place to comment” in this situation?
The sexual abuse is immaterial to your question, as are your strong opinions. What matters is the extent to which his self-destructive behavior negatively affects you. If you’re having to deal with the consequences if his behavior, that’s when it becomes your business.

Why is there such a stigma surrounding age differences in relationships? I’m currently dating a man 8 years older than me and my family and friends constantly give me looks of disdain or question the legitimacy of our relationship. What gives?
Well, it kinda depends on whether you’re 17 or 30. Assuming you’re somewhere in the middle, you can safely ignore any disdain as long as the age difference isn’t causing a power imbalance in the relationship. (Then again, you have to be mature enough to know whether it does.)

I just met this guy. I like him and we had great conversation both times we were out (for hours) but he sucks on text and doesn’t get back to me promptly. We had plans to see each other today but it’s 4pm and I still haven’t heard back from him. What’s up with that?
He’s a flake. The world’s full of ’em. (As a general rule, don’t keep flakes around. People in your life should be reliable.)

He told me he likes me. I feel the same way…now what?
Spend some time together.

Is love supposed to feel like an anxiety attack?
No.

Working in a job you hate to get that first year of experience in the field- do it right?
Yep, and if you only have to do it for a year, consider yourself lucky.

Why does your twitter annoy me, while I read and reread all of your blog posts religiously?
Because twitter is cliquish and my off-the-cuff remarks make you feel excluded, whereas my blog is more thoughtful and the intimacy of it makes you feel included.

Your view on Syrian refugees coming to America?
We should be accepting 100,000 instead of 10,000.

Is 22 young? I feel like my life is over.
Your childhood is over. That’s what you’re feeling. Your life is just getting started.

I don’t have a handle on my drinking anymore. What now?
Address the reason why your drinking has become problematic. If it’s because you’re bored, find something else to do. If it’s because you’re self-medicating, get some help.

Deep down in your heart, are you an anarchist?
No. I just have a problem with authority.

How do you make a judgement between the legitimate suffering of a depressive illness and someone who is ungrateful and full of excuses? Where is the line drawn?
There is no line. A person’s depression isn’t delegitimized by a certain amount or type of shitty behavior. At the same time, a person’s depression does not excuse their shitty behavior.

Psychology or sociology?
They are the exact same disciplines at different scales. Just ask yourself, would you rather learn about the human condition or the condition of humanity?

Why does it annoy me, a Korean girl, that Sephora has recently begun selling Korean beauty and skincare brands (they call it K-beauty)?
What you’re feeling is a little bit exploited. Regardless of how good the products are, Sephora’s marketing strategy is basically just low-key Orientalism.

Why do some people have good shit land in their lap while I have to work 5 times as hard for my happiness? (Yes, I’m bitter but life is seriously becoming too difficult to deal with)
There is no reason. Stop looking at other people’s laps.

Have you ever planted a question so you would have a platform to share your views on a certain topic?
Nope, never. (I get dozens of questions on every topic, so if I feel like ranting, I just pick one.)

He has a girlfriend, but we chat & meet all the time. I know I shouldn’t, but he makes me laugh like no one else.
Please tell me to quit it.
Quit it.

Do you think open relationships aren’t recommended for young people?
Nah, open relationships aren’t recommended for immature people.

What’s the difference between self-loathing and self-pity?
A victim mentality.

Am I doomed to a life of lovelessness?
Don’t be so dramatic.

Why is skinny sexy?
I don’t accept the premise of your question.

Why is my biggest nightmare being fat?
Because your ego justifies itself based on your body’s ability to conform to beauty standards.

I just had a rich kid tell me, “good luck trying to escape middle America.” What the fuck. How would you handle this scenario?
The proper response in that situation is, “good luck trying to get your parents to love you.”

In your opinion, is it ever acceptable to marry/spend the rest of your life with your very first boyfriend?
Sure. Even in marriage, your first doesn’t have to be your only. (And I hope you understand that “marry” and “spend the rest of your life with” are two very different things. It’s naive of you to conflate them.)

Is Trump rich enough to own ISIS?
No. That’s not even how it works. (On a side note, consider this: the leader of ISIS, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, is ranked #57 on the Forbes list of The World’s Most Powerful People. Donald Trump is only ranked #74, and that number will plummet once he’s no longer a presidential candidate.)

What is your opinion on the illegalization of hijabs?
A national law telling a woman what she can’t wear is just as oppressive as a religious law telling a woman what she must wear.

You know what? Fuck you.
Ooh. I challenged your belief system, didn’t I? For a second there, you almost changed your point of view. It’s okay. You’ll get there.

I’m a high end escort. Is it wrong to sleep with men I know are married and/or cheating, even though I’m getting paid?
Willfully participating in infidelity is pretty much the only ethical grey area of your job, but in terms of moral high ground, that still puts you above the average lawyer.

I’m thinking of sending a letter to my ex boyfriend. Even though we love each other, we broke up because our relationship wasn’t realistic on the long run, and it feels like this letter would be the final closure for me. Is it a good idea to sign it with “love” then my name?
Yes. Write the letter, sign it with love, and then don’t send it. Trust me. Stick it in a drawer for at least three months. If you forget about it, great. If you don’t, pull it out and read it. If you still wanna send it, send it. If not, even better.

You once said “if you insist on adding anything other than ice to your whiskey, that list ends at vermouth and bitters.” Does this mean you don’t have cocktails? I can’t wrap my head around why you would deny yourself something so delicious.
Most cocktails are just a means of adding sugar to alcohol. Sometimes a bartender will impress me, but nine times out of ten, anything on the menu is way too sweet for my taste.

How do you resist the urge to rebound?
I don’t. I rebound hard and on purpose. It’s practically a ritual.

Why do most of your readers/fans tend to be female?
Because men don’t ask for directions.

Aren’t you sort of an anonymous life coach?
No, I don’t coach people. I just answer questions. If anything, I’m more of an anonymous pop guru.

I miss the menu and searchable archive. Is there a way to bring that back or was it lost with tumblr?
At the top of the page is a little black tab with a  ≡  on it. That is a menu symbol. Click it. (You’re welcome.)

What’s the difference between modernism and postmodernism? (Just curious; not looking for an idea to use for an essay or for a thesis.)
Pick whatever field, and in some way or another, modernism can be reduced to a belief in objective knowledge, and postmodernism can be reduced to a challenging belief that knowledge is inevitably subjective.

I’m new to this. Is it okay to have sex with a married man who is in an open relationship with his wife? We are colleagues and friends.
Sure, it’s fine. As long as all three of you are down, go for it. (If you’d like to learn more about open relationships, I’d recommend you start with Tristan Taormino’s Opening Up. It’s the perfect beginners guide.)

My immediate superior emailed me several complaints about my work (some justified, some just micromanaging) in quick succession, so I called a meeting to get ahead of it. Now, how do I handle the meeting in such a way as to stay as promotable as possible?
Fix whatever’s fixable before the meeting, go in with an agenda that features you getting your shit together, and most importantly, don’t waste your immediate superior’s time.

How do you feel about the claims that Bernie would be an ineffective president because he doesn’t know how to play well with the Washington types?
He was in Congress for sixteen years and the Senate for nine. Bernie is a Washington type, and anyone who thinks he doesn’t play well with others hasn’t been paying attention.

Do you ever get sick of all these questions?
Nope. Still crazy after all these years.

Why does reading your advice feel different even though nothing has changed?
It’s called reframing. I’m good at it.

I keep deleting my questions because I know you won’t answer, and then I’ll have made myself feel exposed for nothing.
Now how do you feel?

I spent the night with someone. Before we went to bed, I said I was going to get some condoms. She said that I didn’t have to worry, because she takes pills. I’m right now a bit restless about it. How can I tactfully ask her if she does indeed take them?
You can’t. Now you have to spend an entire month in a constant state of anxiety praying to a god that doesn’t exist that this sloppy bitch gets her next period. That’s what you get for being an idiot.

I went out dancing last night with some friends, took molly and then took home a friend of a friend of a friend and had sex with him. Found out this morning he is married, and apparently my friend told me that last night but I have zero memory of this. Why do I feel so shitty?
Because you got messy and fucked a married man.

Can a straight white cis man be slut shamed?
Absolutely. Straight white cis men constantly shame each other for having sex with fat and/or ugly women, which is a particularly abhorrent form of slut shaming unique to them.

What’s the best way to start over after you’ve run your life into the ground?
Change your patterns.

Could you ever be in a monogamous relationship again?
I could do monogamy for a year or two, but it would be an examined and thoughtful version of monogamy in the larger context of a long term relationship with a like-minded partner.

What’s your average refractory period for falling in love?
About two years, give or take.

What’s the most dismal state you’ve ever visited?
Oklahoma.

I’d love to participate in the comments of your posts, but there’s no way I’d ever give you my email address.
Put in a fake email address. Duh.

I really wish I could edit my comments.
I’ve added a feature that gives you a 15 minute window to edit or delete any comments you make on my site. (Good suggestion.)

I’m more content than I have been in a long time. Why does that fill me with a vague sense of dread?
I like to refer to that as cosmic background anxiety. It’s a sort of low-level existential angst that’s always there, and you only feel it when all the other noise and static is gone.

Casual guy told me I was too smart for him/ he couldn’t keep up. Then we fucked one last time and he ghosted. It’s just an excuse cause he’s not into it, right? What the fuck
The whole “he’s just not that into you” thing implies that it actually had something to do with you in the first place. In a casual world full of narcissists, y’all need to start getting used to the fact that it wasn’t ever about you to begin with.

he didn’t contact me when he was single but now that he’s in a relationship, he’s all up on me. why would someone want to fuck me when they have a girlfriend but not when they’re single?
Apparently, you’re side-piece material.

What’s left after the being in love phase is over?
Love. Or ennui. Or both. Depends on how you play it.

Thoughts on unconditional basic income?
I like the idea of social dividends, but I’d rather see the American experiment head in the direction of tuition-free college and universal health care.

If you were tied down and blindfolded to a bed and had a variety of men and women to eat your pussy, do you think you’d be able to identify the men from the women?
Easily. I know this from experience.

Does your therapist know about your advice column? Do you discuss or debate your advice?
I’m in between therapists at the moment, but no, sorry. I don’t talk about you guys in therapy.

You’ve become much less of an internet wackadoo since you’ve stopped using tumblr.
It’s been three months. What could you possibly be referring to?

Is it actually possible that a Republican will win?
Of course it’s possible. (Don’t sleep on John Kasich. Watch what happens when people start voting in actual primaries. He’s gonna surge, and he’s dangerously presidential. If he gets the nomination, he’s just bland enough that he might win the whole thing.)

I can’t have kids. Hell, I don’t even like kids. So why did I burst into tears after my pregnant best friend told me I wouldn’t be able to handle it anyway?
Because not being able to have kids makes you feel broken, and your best friend basically just told you that you’re better off that way, which is super fucking insensitive of her.

It’s been about two years since i’ve last been in love or have met someone in whom i was seriously interested. Should I be worried?
Nah, you’re fine. It’s nice to spend a couple years doing your own thing. Besides, couplehood isn’t inherently better than singlehood, and no matter what else happens, the whole “being in love” phase is temporary anyway.

Why is it that every time I think of my dad, I get sad? He’s alive and I see him all the time. Is it because I feel like he’s sad? Because I love him and never tell him I do?
Yes. Congratulations. You just went through six months of therapy in 41 words. Now go tell your dad that you love him.

I’m graduating at the end of this semester. Is it okay to enter into a sexual relationship with my lecturer once I’m no longer a student at the university? I am currently taking a course he teaches. I’m a 22 year-old woman. I have no idea what his age is. Probably late 20s, early 30s.
Sure. It’s a bit of a grey area if you started seeing each other socially while you were still a student, but if the relationship begins entirely after your graduation, it’s fine.

How do I know if my questions really go through?
They do.

Thoughts on the new Star Wars???
Shut up.

Did it take you a long time to get comfortable with the way you look?
I’m not at all comfortable with the way I look. I know I can look hot, but that sure as hell doesn’t mean I’m comfortable. Huge difference.