True or false: If you truly love someone, being faithful is easy.
False. If you truly have integrity, being faithful is easy. Do not confuse love and integrity. Love is just an emotional state, and regardless of how deeply or intensely it may be felt, it’s still not a measure of the content of your character.

I’m not gorgeous, nor beautiful, nor even quite pretty. I’m honestly rather average. I know his flaws, both physical and personality-wise, and he knows mine, but my question is purely vain/physical: why, when he can and has dated model-material, would a man like that settle for someone like me?
Because you’re better than them.

A dude I know on a semi-acquaintance, semi-friend basis is constantly talking about how much he likes “positive” things and people, and disdains “negative” things and people. Can you help me understand why this way of thinking pisses me off so fucking much?
He’s a blustering idiot who thinks he’s stumbled onto profundity by parroting a circular philosophy that amounts to “positive things are good” and “negative things are bad.” The fancy word for that kind of thinking is a tautology, and it pisses you off because his entire world view is an exercise in vacuous redundancy.

How do you initiate an “open the relationship” talk with your partner of 5+ years?
Get yourself a copy of Opening Up by Tristan Taormino. It’s exactly what you need.

I have zero interest in going to my 10 year high school reunion, do you think I should go anyways?
Yeah, why not? This is one of those times where you should do what makes for the better story.

I just got dumped, and it hurts like hell. Any tips for dealing with the crushing sense of loneliness and hopelessness that has accompanied it?
Enjoy the pain. (I’m serious. It can be savored. Just don’t wallow in it. Respect the heartbreak as an important part of life, and then let it pass as quickly as possible.)

Can you elaborate on what it means to be innocent, as used in your last post?
That kind of innocence is the forgivable form of ignorance. It’s not knowing any better. It’s the reason why they say it’s bliss.

Sooo… if self help books are for losers, what does that make your blog then?
Fucking brilliant.

How do I ease my emotional pain without: drinking, doing drugs, overeating, or buying shit I don’t need?
Exercise, meditation, therapy, or any number of overt acts of self-care.

Why is it so easy to make painfully stupid decisions when it comes to love and relationships, even for people who generally display decent judgment elsewhere?
Because drugs impair judgment, and love is one helluva drug.

What do you do when you get offered an interview but can’t afford to get there?
Arrange for a Skype interview. (And don’t take no for an answer.)

Why are some men so afraid of requiring enthusiastic consent before they have sex with a woman.
Anyone objecting to an obligation of enthusiastic sexual consent is a weak, entitled piece of shit who should be called out as a potential rapist.

I’ve gained weight and I absolutely hate the way I look. I feel like I hate myself more and more every day. Besides getting therapy, what can I do?
Either lose the fucking weight, or lose the negative self-image you’ve attached to having gained it. Neither way is easy, but they’re both better than a whiny pile of self-loathing.

I cut my hair for the first time in 5 years, and various acquaintances react with the simple line “oh, you cut your hair.” I’ve made a huge mistake, haven’t I?
Not a huge mistake. At most, you’ve made a temporary one.

How should I (24/f) respond to people when they say “but you’re so young!” when they find out I’m getting married?
Tell them your fiancé has a twelve inch penis. (If they’re going to make you uncomfortable, the least you could do is return the favor.)

Ever feel like a mess?
Hot and constantly.

I have had numerous men tell me in so many words that I’m unlovable. It’s clear they think I’m smart, fun, pretty, etc, but I don’t evoke an emotional response in them. How do I interpret this? How do I not let it (continue to) ruin my self-esteem?
Nope, nope, nope. Unlovable is your word, not theirs. You are not unloveable. You simply have a pattern of picking emotionally unavailable men. Pick better men, and while you’re at it, stop letting their faults inform your self-image.

So what happens if Sanders does win the democratic nomination? I want him be president, but I’m afraid his apparent radicalism would put off people in the middle who could be influenced to sway and we’d end up with Trump or Bush.
Jesus Fuckstick Christ, BERNIE SANDERS IS NOT A RADICAL. He’s just a good ol’ fashioned liberal with a populist agenda. Hell, he’s not even politically to the left of FDR, and he still gets labeled a bleeding heart socialist because he gives a shit about the working class and can’t be bought with corporate money. (And there is no middle anymore. There’s just a vast swath of insufferably ill-informed undecided half-wits who are too apathetic to even bother voting against their own economic interest.)

How do you find the courage to ask for therapy? I know I need it but I hate the idea of someone else knowing that.
I understand how vulnerable it makes you feel to ask, but please know that everyone needs therapy. Everyone. It doesn’t make you weak, sick, or broken in any way. Go ahead. Take the next step. You can do this.

Can someone change leagues through exercising, diet, promotions in their field of work, surgery, reading more books and improving their intellect?
Sure, you can change leagues, but try not to lose sight of what game you’re playing.

Why do I fantasize about having sex with his friends?
Partly because it’s forbidden. Partly because they’re within easy reach for fantasizing. Mostly because it turns you on. (Hey, that’s what fantasies are for.)

Does cultural appropriation exist on Halloween?
Of course it does. Halloween is cultural appropriation’s biggest night where a bunch of ignorant white people dress up as racists without ever realizing it.

What’s the difference between having a short-term crush and needing to get a dick?
Are you more interested in the dick, or the human being attached to it?

Coke, which e-commerce platform did you use for your jewelry/handbag business?
Big Cartel. I highly recommend them for small online stores.

Favorite nic cage movie? (Please say the wicker man, please say the wicker man)
Raising Arizona

I bought a dildo that’s not necessarily too big, but too rigid. I can’t use it and I can’t return it, obviously. Any ideas? Maybe something decorative.
Go find one of those bottle opener/corkscrew thingies and screw it into the shaft of the dildo. Boom. Dildo-handled bottle opener. Functional and decorative!

People who loudly discuss intimate details of their sex life (“I sucked his dick so hard I was milking it”) in crowded public spaces: tacky and uncouth, or just outspoken?
Merely outspoken with regard to the subject matter. Uncouth for talking loudly. Tacky for using such a lame metaphor.

I really am tempted to fuck someone that isn’t my boyfriend. Hell, I even fantasize about this particular guy. He isn’t particularly great looking, or even all that interesting. I’m not sure if my conscience is telling me I’m not worth a serious relationship or if I should just have sex with whomever without regret. I’m not sure what to do.
Don’t be a cheater. Of course, that could mean staying monogamous and not having an affair, deciding together to open up your relationship, or breaking up with your boyfriend so you can fuck other people. It’s entirely up to you, just whatever you do, do it with integrity.

Why am I terrified to come out as an atheist?
Because you face the possibility of animosity and ostracism from pious friends and family, perhaps even the loss of your emotional support system. It’s a brave and difficult thing to do if you were raised in a religious environment.

You think Bernie Sanders might just be gaining enough momentum to do the damn thing?
It’s a long way to Super Tuesday. Cross your fingers, but don’t hold your breath.

So there are levels, huh? Leagues you can be above or below or in? I knew it. Damn. Better adjust my fantasies so they stop setting me up for failure.
Of course there are levels. There are levels to everything.

What’s the best way to make people stop wishing you “happy monday?”
Shoot them in the face.

Does life get better? Or am I really doomed to repeat the same mistakes and have the same life of everyone around me?
Probably.

Why do I feel like love is exclusionary?
Because you’re not in it.

Coketalk, give me the crash course on letting go of a relationship that pulled you out of suicidal depression, then turned into severe one-sided complacency and lack of appreciation.
The relationship served its purpose. Respect that. Appreciate that. Let that be enough and let go.

Is it morally reprehensible to seek & be flattered by male attention even though you don’t have the slightest interest?
Attention seeking can be a bit shallow, but it’s not morally reprehensible unless you’re also engaging in deception or dishonesty.

How much of a stupid idea is it for me to ask the man who abused me as a teenager to pay for my counseling?
As a form of reparation, it’s not a stupid idea, but it’s a complicated thing to actually do. I’d recommend getting a lump sum up front to prevent your abuser from having any control over your therapeutic process.

Why is everyone obsessed with romantic love, including you?
I don’t accept the premise of your question.

What’s wrong with dating older men?
Nothing.

Is it worth pursuing an MD if you come from a poor family?
Yes. If your dream is to become a doctor and you realistically think you have what it takes, then go for it, but you need to have both passion and potential for it to be worth taking on that kind of debt.

My BF and I never seem all that happy together. Why don’t I wan’t to break up with him?
Inertia.

A friend of mine’s engagement fell through, and her mom wore her unused wedding dress when she renewed her vows with her husband on their 30th anniversary. On a scale of one to fucked how fucked is that?
It’s “minor reality show B-story subplot” level fucked.

What are your thoughts on SB 227? Should anything be mandated that’s not 100% safe or effective with no liability?
Sorry to burst your insufferably self-absorbed bubble, but you aren’t special, your children aren’t special, and nothing is 100% safe, so shut your organic pie hole and go vaccinate your germ-ridden offspring.

Do you have any resources for partners of sex workers? I know of lots of support groups for sex workers themselves, but I have my own side of things to deal with and nobody to talk to about it.
Hmm. The closest thing I can think to recommend is S-Anon or COSA. They’re geared toward partners of sex addicts rather than partners of sex workers, but there’s probably enough crossover for those groups to still be therapeutic.

I’m female, 29, healthy, in love, middle class. I am petrified everything I have is going to be taken away from me. I am petrified I will get Cancer. Scared my boyfriend will die in a car accident. Scared I will loose my family. Afraid of my own mortality. Some days I cannot get out of bed. Some days I forget everything. What’s the point in any of this? Why can’t I just end this misery now and then I won’t have to worry anymore?
Yeah, you’ve got a mild anxiety disorder. (Trust me, I know the feeling.) Go see a therapist about those intrusive thoughts you’re having. Therapy really does help for this kind of stuff. (If you include your email, I can maybe help you find someone.)

I’m 20 and I’m honestly pretty spoiled. Nursing school full time, but Mom pays my bills. He’s a 38-year-old counselor for substance abuse. He’s had a couple serious relationships, whereas I’ve had none. Is there a point to this, or is the age difference just too great?
Sweetheart, he was twice your age a couple minutes ago. You’re a doe-eyed college kid and he’s (most likely) a reformed addict who’s lived a life and seem some shit. Sure, enjoy yourself. Have fun while it lasts, but the second you realize you two have nothing to talk about, have the sense to part ways quickly and amicably.

Are you worried Trevor Noah won’t be able to fill Jon’s shoes?
I’m not worried, because he won’t. It’s not possible to fill Jon’s shoes. The Daily Show will become something different in a similar format. Hopefully it won’t suck.

What’s your take on the Gawker Media debacle where a writer there pretty much outed a non-public figure for exploring hiring the services of a gay escort, and the recent protest-resignations by at least two staff members of that website after the article about it was pulled?
Everyone is gross and nobody cares.

Marriage is supposed to be “until death do you part.” Well, what about if your partner is chronically depressed and not attempting to better the situation without your relentless urging for a which he resents the shit out of you?
The only thing that’s really “until death do you part” is your actual life, and that shit is too short to spend with someone who makes you miserable.

We’re long distance. He’s depressed. He alternates between saying if I want an out, to take it now and that I am what keeps him alive. Do I stay to make sure he’s okay while he tries to get better or end it for my own sanity?
You knew this would happen, so quick dicking around. If you want out, get out. Sounds like he needs to build a new support system wherever he is now anyway.

I keep thinking there has to be more to life than this, but I don’t know what it is or how to find it.
Nah, there isn’t more to life than this. Stop looking for something that doesn’t exist and go do something you enjoy with the time that you have.

What if we end up with another Bush as president?
If it would keep Jon Stewart hosting the Daily Show for four more years, it would almost be worth it. Almost.

I’m in love with a married man. Please remind me how big of a piece of shit I am so I can move on from this toxic situation…
You can’t help who you fall in love with, and you’re not a piece of shit unless you have an actual affair with the guy. Quit punishing yourself. Forgive yourself instead.

I love that in your 2010 posts you talk about guys at the club wearing Affliction, meanwhile in my dismal little corner of Ohio in the year of our lord 2015 this is still how every man I see on a daily basis dresses.
Move.

The Hall of anti-fame is now the best of Dear Coquette. I’m puzzled. Did you get tired of people asking you why you named it that ?
I just felt like changing it.

Are you an introvert or an extrovert?
I’m an introvert. (I’m great at parties, but my default setting is pleasurable solitude, and the stuff going on in my head is almost always more interesting than the stuff going on in front of me.)

If a guy cheats on you once, why does it mean he’ll cheat again? What if he learns his mistake and regrets it?
Regret is a very poor indicator of whether someone will repeat the same mistake. When it comes to behavior, look for patterns, not promises.

She cheated on me a year ago. We broke up. She begged me to get back together. We did. Why? Because I’ve fucked up in the past and I believe in second chances. We are doing okay and 95% of the time I trust her. Why can’t I get rid of that last 5%?
Because she cheated on you a year ago.

I just got the test results back, I have herpes. What next?
Valtrex and awkward conversations.

My husband of six years is wonderful. But, our sex life is a tad boring. He won’t use a vibrator on me in bed because he says it’s emasculating. Is it?
Only to a small-minded man with a fragile ego. If he thinks a sex toy is emasculating, wait until you tell him he’s boring in bed.

What will make me feel less lonely when I get home? The drugs aren’t working.
Connect with other humans. That’s the only thing that will work.

What’s the protocol on sending an ex an email? Is the answer just don’t do it?
If you’re having even the least bit of doubt, definitely don’t do it.

I started making my bed but I either get back in it or I lie on it. What do I do now?
Get a decorative pillow that “locks” you out of bed. In other words, make a personal rule that bed is not made if the pillow is not on the bed, and if the pillow is on the bed, you are not allowed to lay in it.

I just work up from a dream where Ben Affleck was fucking me from behind while we watched porn. What does it all mean?!
It means this new Batman movie is gonna suck.

He cheated on me and we’re trying to make it work, but it’s just not the same anymore. Will it ever be okay?
Sure it will, just not with him.

Will you please comment on the recent media interest in and admiration of the dad bod?
The “dad bod” media trend is just the highly-processed residue left behind after the deeper trend of body positivism was sanitized for mainstream white male consumption.

We’ve been together for 8 months. He wants to have anal. I have never felt comfortable with the idea and really do not want it. Do I give in for him, or stand my ground. I feel so silly asking this.
Whether it’s been 8 months or 8 years, if you don’t wanna take it up the ass, don’t fucking take it up the ass.

Is it possible to overcome the fear of death, or at least not think about it all the time? Or are we stuck with that part of our lizard brains?
That kind of abstract anxiety about death isn’t a part of the same parasympathetic fight-or-flight response that causes panic attacks. It’s your ego freaking out, not your lizard brain. If you’re having intrusive thoughts about death, I recommend working with a therapist to overcome them.

Every time my husband asks me to make him food, it fills me with rage. Is this normal? Or is this marriage?
It sounds like transference to me. You might wanna get a little introspective and figure out the source of all that rage.

Is becoming a sugar baby a bad idea?
Bad is a moral judgment, so I won’t say it’s bad, but if you have to ask, then becoming a sugar baby will probably have more negative consequences than positive ones.

Should I seriously consider becoming a Buddhist nun?
No.

I hate that I have to have my life figured by 22. Thanks, society.
Quit whining. You don’t ever have to have your life figured out. You just have to provide for yourself and behave like an adult.

I don’t want a diamond engagement ring. In fact, I think I just want an elegant band, but I can’t find the right one and I don’t really know where to look. You’re like my cool older sister with better taste – can you point me in the right direction?
I dunno, I kinda dig the political poetry in opting to wear a men’s wedding band as your engagement ring. Just pick your metal, and look for a classic band with a thin profile.

I fucked a guy with a wife and baby on the way. He just got married but he’s been living with the girl for more than 5 years. I don’t even know if I like him. It’s just I want – SO BADLY – for him to like me. It’s the lowest I have ever GONE. And I need some slaps in my face to snap out of it.
You know what you did was wrong, so let’s set aside your shitty behavior for a moment and help you recognize a deeper truth: The worst thing about you is that you believe you need to fuck a guy in order to get him to like you.

Smack dab in a love triangle. Love both people. No idea what to do, but leaning toward removing myself from the both of them until I at least get my shit together. Is that the right thing to do?
If your goal is to let the chips fall where they may, then personally, I’ve always found it’s much more fun to choose both than to choose neither.

Are you down with Edward Snowden?
Yes. I am down with Edward Snowden. (Will you please stop asking now? It’s been months, and this odd little question is starting to get creepy.)

Is honesty cruel when it boils down to “I am no longer sexually attracted to you”?
I can be. Cruelty isn’t a product of the honest words. It’s a product of how, when, and why you deliver them.

Sex with friends, without feelings, for shits and giggles: Good idea?
Sure, but be careful what you mean when you say “without feelings.”

What exactly is a player?
One who participates in the game.

How does one have a threesome with two gay men, as a girl, without being incredibly disappointing?
The same way you avoid disappointment in all things: adjust your expectations so that they align with reality.