He bought us an expensive vibrator for couples that worked via an app for when he was away – but now that we’ve broken up, what do I do with it?
Well, with a little tinkering, you could always turn it into a detonator.

Your thoughts on friends who subtly throw shade and then say “just kidding” or otherwise make it so if you call them out, you’ll sound irrational and overemotional?
Quit being so easily manipulated by passive-aggressive cunts.

Why is it that having a stable relationship in my 20s, not partying or hooking up with other guys all the time, makes me feel like I’m wasting my life?
Take a step back and realize that you’re the type who’d feel like you were missing out either way.

Should I start my own clothing line?
Nope.

I’m 38 and about to get divorced. Any advice? Shouldn’t I be sadder?
Fuck no. Congratulations. You’re getting out just in time for your mid-life crisis. It’ll be wonderful and terrible all at the same time. Do your best to grow as a person. Save your money. Don’t rush into anything.

What’s the difference between self-reflection and navel-gazing?
Other people’s opinion of you.

What is the point of it all?
Pointlessness.

Your thoughts on a guy who counts his sexual partners and boasts with his number?
Don’t fuck him. He’s terrible in bed.

I love your blog but it makes me feel really inadequate as a (young) theist virgin who doesn’t drink, smoke, hook up, or do drugs. Should it?
Nah. I was all of those things once. Just stay open minded, and you’ll be fine.

I don’t get why you’re down with Hillary (as opposed to grudgingly accepting her). I thought of you as more radical than that.
I’m actually down with Bernie Sanders. He’ll get my money, time, and support for as long as he can stay in the race. Hillary will end up getting my vote, because we live in a two party plutocracy, and she’ll ultimately win the Democratic nomination.

What’s the next step after realizing you’re a narcissist?
Stop behaving like one.

One of my worst fears is getting fat, and I hate myself for it.
You’ve got that backwards. You hate yourself, and therefore one of your worst fears is getting fat.

Are you anti-marriage?
I’m indifferent to marriage, but I’m anti-religion and anti-patriarchy.

Rent or buy in LA?
If you plan on owning the property for at least five years and you qualify for a 30 year fixed with rates and insurance under 5%, go ahead and buy. Otherwise, just rent. Remember to factor in property tax, HOA fees, and LADWP rates when comparing monthly costs of ownership versus rental.

Where would you put sex on Maslow’s hierarchy?
That depends entirely on your motivation for sex.

I’m not brave enough to commit suicide but I can’t stand being alive. I don’t know what to do.
Being alive is temporary enough. If you want to act bravely, find a way to unburden yourself by changing your circumstances. I don’t know you, so I can’t tell you how, but the sum total of all your pain only equals your burden. It does not equal your life.

What is “normcore” all about?
It’s not about anything. Think of normcore as the antimatter of fashion. It’s anti-aesthetic as aesthetic, which is inherently a self-annihilating concept, because the moment you identify something as normcore, it becomes fashion, and therefore ceases to be normcore.

He’s “crazy about” me but not going to be monogamous because he doesn’t want to “deprive himself” of any possible experiences he could encounter. Tell me what I already know.
He’s selfish, but in a typical way. He’s honest, but in a self-serving way. He’s not in love with you, but then again, you’re not in love with him either. This isn’t you feeling heartbroken. This is you feeling annoyed because your pussy isn’t lined with gold.

Are you down with Elizabeth Warren?
Fuck yeah, but not as a presidential candidate. Ideally, I’d like to see Hillary appoint her Treasury Secretary in the new administration and then sit back and watch as she makes the finance industry her bitch.

Why do I hate it when my (privileged) college friends call my dad ‘blue collar’ and ‘salt of the earth’?
Because those phrases are code for poor and unsophisticated.

Which languages do you think will be the most economically valuable to know for the future?
English and Mandarin are the two most valuable. If you have time for a third, consider Arabic. If your life is more Eurocentric, learn French. If your life is more Americentric, learn Spanish.

Why do I get irrationally angry when people say, “Well, it just wasn’t in God’s plan” in reference to my inability to afford the school I really had my heart set on?
Because it’s a perfect encapsulation of all the futility and ignorance you’re trying to escape by going to a good school in the first place.

My friends are graduating and leaving – interstate, overseas, places I can’t go visit on a scholarship income – and for better or worse I’ve committed to staying on and studying further. I’m starting to get really panicked about the prospect of being left here alone. What can I do?
You have to make new friends as you enter this next phase of your life. This is a thing that will happen pretty consistently every five to seven years. Don’t be afraid of it.

some girl posted on Facebook that people who aren’t black shouldn’t use the black emojis. is that super annoying of her or is that just me?
Delete your fucking Facebook.

Do you think Scientology will ever crumble?
Of course it will. At the end of the day, it’s just a multi-generational tax dodge. I give it a few more decades before it collapses under the weight of its own sinister ridiculousness.

I fell in love with my best friend and its not working out. What now?
Disaster.

I’m a nine. He’s a four. Why is he blowing this off?
Because you act like you think you’re a nine and he’s a four.

How do I know if the relationship is unhealthy or I’m unhealthy for the relationship?
That’s a distinction without a difference.

I can’t remember the last time I was sober for more than two days.
Yes you can. What changed?

I thought I knew this but maybe I was wrong. What is the difference between race, ethnicity, and nationality?
Race is a social construct that groups people according to inherited genetic characteristics. Ethnicity is a social construct that groups people according to inherited cultural characteristics. Nationality is a social construct that groups people according to inherited political characteristics.

As a white person, how can I enjoy black culture without culturally appropriating? Can I?
What did your black friends say when you asked them this question? (Yeah, that was a trick. Anyone who would ask this doesn’t have any black friends.)

Hypothetical; you’re in a position in which you could solve the Israel-Palestine conflict indefinitely. You would get the credit (so Nobel Peace Prize etc etc). HOWEVER, you would never be able to have an orgasm again. What do you do?
I solve the conflict with no hesitation whatsoever. Fuck the credit. (What kind of monster puts their own orgasms ahead of lasting peace in the Middle East?)

How does it feel being Facebook-free for over 4 years?
People still use Facebook? I thought that’s just where our crazy aunts posted racist memes about Obama.

Do you consider yourself a celebrity?
Hell no. I consider myself a pop culture enthusiast. On a good day, I consider myself a writer.

Why do cops get away with murdering people?
Because the system too easily allows police to justify use of deadly force.

Do you ever feel like an anarchist?
No. I’m an anti-authoritarian, not an anarchist. My problem isn’t with systems of government per se, but rather with the systemic violence inherent to concentrations
of power.

Why do men always want to fold me into a pretzel during sex?
Porn.

I just broke up with my boyfriend and it was seriously the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. Does that make me soft?
You’re soft now, but doing hard things is what hardens you.

How fucked up is it that we can’t talk about transgenderism as a mental illness?
Your world view is the mental illness.

Is it possible to just avoid my friend’s shitty husband until they inevitably get a divorce?
Yes. I do it all the time.

Is it shallow to leave an otherwise good relationship because the sex isn’t good?
Maybe. It depends on things like your age and the depth of the relationship. Perhaps spend some time and effort examining *why* the sex isn’t good. If it’s just a lack of communication about personal preferences, things might improve with a little work. If it’s a fundamental lack of sexual chemistry, ending the relationship certainly makes more sense.

Why doesn’t it feel like he loves me?
I can’t tell you why, although it’s probably because he doesn’t. Even if he does, it certainly isn’t in a manner that satisfies your basic emotional needs, and that’s not the kind if thing that changes on its own.

You have the rhetoric of someone who’s been to rehab. Right or wrong?
The rhetoric of rehab entered the popular lexicon well over a decade ago. (And no, I haven’t been to rehab.)

so are you totally opposed to the idea of long-term romantic relationships or what
No. I prefer long-term romantic relationships. I’m just opposed to staying in unhealthy or imbalanced ones.

Have you changed much since your mid-20s?
I’ve slowed down quite a bit. I have fewer acquaintances and closer friends. I’m weirder, but I make more sense. My hair is different.