So prisons are a terrible idea. What should we have instead?
We should have prisons. What we shouldn’t have are violent, privatized penitentiaries that take the place of psychiatric hospitals and subsidized housing. (Come on, people. Read some Foucault.)

Wait… so do you consider yourself leftist or centrist?
I consider myself the kind of person who loathes being asked to identify with a point on a political spectrum.

Therapy is a selfish, bourgeois indulgence that doesn’t work.
Yeah, no. You’re thinking of prayer.

Do or don’t tell my boyfriend, who I love, that there was a short period a few years ago when I was having sex for money?
If you have to ask me, then you aren’t prepared to tell him.

Is it still okay to have nights out at the bar after you turn 30?
Yes, but not the same bar.

Today’s hyper-conformist blogger is more interested in the policing of language and stifling debate when it counters the prevailing wisdom.
Dude. You’ve got a giant douche-flavored chip on your shoulder because you don’t like the way people argue on the internet. Go stare into a mirror for a while and really let that sink it.

I just looked at the day of the month and got excited because it means a new December coke talk playlist :O
Yep. It’s up!

Why do I feel like you’re Bret Easton Ellis in disguise?
Because you haven’t read anything by Bret Easton Ellis lately.

You seem deeply unhappy, and I feel sorry for you.
That’s a waste of perfectly good pity you could be using on yourself.

Write more, bitch.
You have to pay me to talk like that.

Canada is 66% white. Not all white.
According to the 2006 census, 127% of Canadians ethnically self-identify as English, French, Scottish, Irish, or German. I’m not making a point about Canada’s racial demographics. I’m making a point about statistics.

To the Canadian that thinks we have a justice system: We don’t. It’s just that our Michael Browns come in the form of missing and murdered first nations women. Also, we are all white only in the sense that we’re literally covered in snow.
Yes, you are right. (And hey, there’s that wacky sense of humor you Canadians are famous for.)

I grew up in Winnipeg, the murder and crime capital of Canada. Winnipeg has the highest concentration of urban Aboriginals in the country, one of the highest levels of poverty, and electric racial tension. Anyone who comes from Winnipeg is very well acquainted with what racism looks like, and we’re not blind to the evils of our system or the people who suffer because of it. We’re working on it.
Oh, racial tensions in Winnipeg have electricity now? Congratulations. Pretty soon they’ll have cable television and the internet. Keep working on it!

Only an ignorant American pig thinks all Canadians are white. We’re better than you, and it shows.
You need to relax. Go make some syrup or something.

It makes me very sad that the US has a legal system instead of a justice system. I live in Canada and one of the only things that makes me want to stay here is that I legitimately believe we have a justice system instead of a legal system.
No, what you have in Canada is also a legal system. It feels like a justice system because all of you are white.
Please tell me one day justice will truly be served.
Don’t ask me to lie to you.

Can you explain why a woman should be bothered if a guy pays for “only” half an abortion? Aren’t both partners equally responsible?
Oh, both partners should be equal? Is the guy also undergoing the physical and emotional trauma of an invasive medical procedure on his reproductive organs? No, he isn’t, so fuck your simple-minded notion of equality. Paying for the abortion doesn’t even bring the guy close to being equal, but it’s a reasonable thing to expect under the usual circumstances. (Quite fucking frankly, the cost of an abortion doesn’t even come close to one month’s worth of child support, so the average guy should really just know to shut the fuck up lay down his credit card.)

My friend thinks that society isn’t run by men because women control sex and reproduction by selecting who to sleep with. Why is he wrong?
Tell your idiot friend that just because he isn’t getting laid whenever he wants, that doesn’t mean women control sex and reproduction. The patriarchy is built on social institutions whose fundamental purpose is to degrade and erase women’s sexual and reproductive agency.

A friend of mine (who I boned for a quick second) has a very agreeable arrangement with a sugar momma. They just invited me to have a threesome with them, for which I will be well paid. I’m definitely curious, but silencing that societally-conditioned voice in my head (the one that says having sex for money is WRONG) is difficult. Any advice?
Depends. Would you still have the threesome if they weren’t paying you?

People are boring and relationships are not worth the effort.
You’re a brat and nobody wants to put up with your bullshit.

Why does it upset me so much that we’re born without a conscience?
Because it reminds you that the human condition is arbitrary, fragile, and impermanent.

Will everything be alright?
Nope. Happy Thanksgiving!

Are we born with a conscience?
Nope. Our consciences (or lack thereof) emerge in early childhood and continue to develop well into adulthood.

As artists, do we lose our ability to be inspired (and are therefore less creative) as we age?
Ha! No. Your creative output isn’t tied to your youthful ability to be inspired. Quit being mystified by the process and do the fucking work.

Can you still watch porn and be a feminist?
Of course. You can star in porn and still be a feminist.

My boyfriend and I are seriously considering robbing a gas station or two. We’re desperate. Any advice/empathy/stuff?
Don’t be silly. A well planned residential burglary will net far more cash and fenceable goods with far less risk than any gas station robbery.

Any advice for a shit out of luck, confused, almost 21-year-old girl who is still trying to figure out her own beliefs, ideologies, and life in general?
Don’t let anybody fuck you — spiritually, mentally, emotionally, or physically. Whether it’s religion, ideology, shame, or a penis, don’t let anyone put anything inside you without thinking about it first and then making up your own mind.

He makes six figures. I’m a student with no income. I had to get an abortion (very hard, I’m pro-choice but come from a religious background) and he only paid for half. Is it wrong that it bothers me?
It should bother you. It speaks volumes about his lack of character and how little he values what you had to go through. Demand he pay for the other half, and then cut him out of your life completely.

Do you hate white people?
No, I don’t hate white people. I hate cultural hegemony, and you can’t tell the difference.

What about Bill Cosby??
To quote Hannibal Buress, “Fuck Bill Cosby.”

What’s your favorite sandwich?
The Godmother from Bay Cities Deli

Why do some people think that society is nicer to women?
Because some people can’t tell the difference between courtesy and condescension.

I don’t know what I want to do with my life and it’s really fucking scary.
Enjoy that fear. You’re lucky to have it.

Are there any genuinely happy rich people?
The fact that you don’t think the rich are genuinely happy means that the propaganda is working.

Why am I attracted to arrogant dudes?
Ask your dad.

I feel like everything I ever try fails while others barely need to lift a finger to succeed. In the same week I turned 26, lost my health insurance, and got the biggest rejection of my life. What am I supposed to do now?
Quit whining.

I’m dating a guy who is a selfish asshole 60% of the time and a genuinely enjoyable person 40% of the time. I’m not sure if I’m dating him because I like the 40% so much or because I’m scared of the turmoil dumping him will bring to my life.
You aren’t dating a guy. You’re being held emotionally hostage by a selfish asshole with mood swings. Big difference, kiddo.

Why do you answer all these dumb questions from girls who don’t have a backbone who should obviously break up with their boyfriends and/or stand up for themselves?
Because they ask, and I’m happy to provide a surrogate backbone long enough for them to feel what it’s like to stand up for themselves.

You are the anti-Cupid
That’s me. Just walkin’ around pulling arrows out of lovesick idiots.

Do you think ebola will become a pandemic?
No. As much as it appeals to our secret desire to witness Armageddon, humanity isn’t gonna be decimated by some scary African uber-virus. Don’t worry. We’re all gonna die regular, boring vanilla-flavored deaths from either heart disease or cancer at some point in the next few decades.

Which is the repository of more bad ideas, christianity or islam?
It’s the same repository.

I generally don’t get along with people who wear bows in their hair.
I generally don’t get along with people who make spurious correlations about other people’s fashion accessories.

Do you think there’s really a difference between cheating and ethical non-monogamy?
Of course there is. Even you think so. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have felt the need to stick “ethical” in front of non-monogamy.

Is it normal for every girl to be convinced she’s pregnant after she loses her virginity?
Absent any legitimate concerns of potential pregnancy (broken condom, late period, etc.), that kind of reaction is usually an expression of religious guilt. It shouldn’t be normal, but I’m guessing you come from somewhere extra-Jesusy.

Is it morally sufficient to tolerate homosexuals?
Ew. What a gross question, and no, it is not morally sufficient to merely tolerate homosexuals. Your type of begrudging tolerance implies that there’s something wrong with being homosexual, and there’s not. Acceptance and inclusion without prejudice is the minimum requirement for moral sufficiency. If you can’t fully accept that there’s nothing wrong with being homosexual, then your beliefs still represent a moral failure.

I can’t break up with him because it’ll hurt him so much. I’ve never purposefully and knowingly caused someone that much pain.
You are not responsible for his emotional state. One more time for the cheap seats: YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS EMOTIONAL STATE. You are being held hostage by your boyfriend’s fragility. That’s disgusting. If you want out of the relationship, get the fuck out. Don’t make his weakness yours.

What’s the difference between hope and expectation?
The difference between hope and expectation is the difference between gambling and taking a risk.

Define normal, please.
Normal is just a median range, a statistical average, but in common usage the word is a culturally loaded modifier that contextually reinforces dominant ideologies (e.g., normal relationships, normal clothes, normal sex, or normal food.) The actual definition of “normal” is much less important than how you let it define your world.

I consider myself to be a hedonistic nihilist, but a friend insists that the two philosophies are not only incompatible, but are in fact polar opposites. What would you say?
Your friend must be confused. Existential nihilism and classical Epicurian hedonism are different schools of thought, but they go together quite nicely. They’re the philosophical equivalent of peanut butter and jelly. (Or peanut butter and chocolate, if that’s your pleasure. Not that it matters.)

Is there such a thing as casual heroin use?
There’s such a thing as experimental heroin use, perhaps even occasional heroin use, but the word casual implies drug use that is both controlled and non-problematic. Given heroin’s ridiculously high potential for physical dependence and the lifestyle typically associated with its users, I’d have to say that genuinely casual heroin use is a damn near impossible feat, especially over time, and even more so if needles are involved.

I am getting an abortion in a few days. Though I know it is the best decision, there are moments when I can’t breathe. Please, Coquette, I will take any words of wisdom you have.
The waiting is the hardest part, but everything will be okay. Moments of anxiety and apprehension are to be expected, and they’re perfectly understandable. Remember though, you didn’t just make the best decision. You made the right decision.

I just got out of a pretty serious relationship. Hurt, but ultimately OK. Problem: before the relationship, I enjoyed having casual sex with various people. It was awesome. Now, however, I find the vast majority of people fairly gross. How do I get past this and start having fun again?
Time. It just takes time. Your heart is still sore from breaking, but don’t worry, you’ll have fun again. (And for the record, the vast majority of people have always been fairly gross. You just have a selective memory from the last time you were single.)

Do you think you’ll ever be too old to be an L.A. party girl?
Definitely. The mid 2000’s were my peak party years. This decade is for slowing down with a very select group of friends. (I don’t mind getting older. I’m good at it, and I appreciate the perspective.)

Long-distance love or local getting laid?
What is this “or” you speak of?

I need a watch as a status symbol (don’t judge, it’s a work thing). Any recommendations?
Recognize that you have no status, realign your priorities in life, and choose a watch that fits your personal style.

How can someone use drugs such as coke and molly recreationally without getting addicted to them?
How can someone use a swimming pool recreationally without drowning?

Do you want to have kids someday?
Not nearly as much as I want people to quit asking me this question.

Is accepting money for a green card marriage unamerican?
It’s illegal, but who gives a shit? Fuck the system and don’t get caught. That’s about as American as it gets.

Where is the line between having needs and being needy?
You cross the line from having needs into being needy the moment you start believing your needs are someone else’s responsibility.

Did you watch SNL’s season opener? Do you think it has finally starting to fall apart? It was so painful to watch.
Something was up with the technical direction of the show. The jokes were there, but the timing was consistently off by a fraction of a second, and it was enough to poison the comedy. Don’t worry. They’ll find the flow again.

What is some advice for someone who is single and in their mid 20’s, when it feels like everyone is getting married/moving in together etc?
Chill. What you’re noticing is the first iteration in what will become a pattern that repeats itself every few years. Some of the relationships will last. Most won’t, so don’t be in a rush to couple up, especially if it’s for no better reason than all your friends are doing it.

What’s worth fighting for?
Fighting is easy. Ask yourself what’s worth suffering for instead.

Is it wrong or inappropriate of me to ask someone I’m dating to get an std check before having sex with them?
There’s nothing wrong with asking, but it does require some tact.

It seems that the general consensus is that if someone cheats on you, they don’t love you. But isn’t the real problem that they don’t respect you?
You’re assuming that the cheating has anything to do with you in the first place. It might, of course, but the real problem with cheaters isn’t in whether they love or respect you. The real problem is in the fact that they are untrustworthy and don’t have any integrity.

What’s your favorite Bible passage to roll up in a quick joint?
Revelation 18:9, although pretty much anything from Revelations will do.

I feel fairly certain my boyfriend is fucking his male best friend. I know it sounds crazy… which is why I really can’t say it out loud. What do I do?
It doesn’t sound crazy. Gather what evidence you have, and calmly ask him whether he’s ever had any sexual contact with his friend. Regardless of the answer, be prepared for your relationship to end.

In your post “On black market economics,” you said that “you write with an Australian accent. I can almost hear this guy mansplaining.” Just curious to know if you think that Australian men mansplain more than others. This is coming from an Australian woman, concerned that she’s tolerating more mansplaining than she should because she’s normalised so much of it.
I’m not sure whether Australian men mansplain more, but drunk men certainly do, so that’s probably the correlation.

What is it about Burning Man that makes me so fucking angry?
I dunno. Maybe it’s the fundamental bourgeois hypocrisy of all that privileged self-indulgence. Maybe it’s the insufferable faux-counterculture aesthetic. Then again, maybe you’re just angry because you don’t understand it. Maybe you should find a way to go next year. Maybe you’ll figure it all out on the Playa.