A guy I’m super in to really wants to get with me but has a girlfriend. Why don’t I give much of a fuck about that last part?
Because you’ve forgotten the golden rule.

“Fake it till you make it” – how do I know when I’ve stopped faking it and it’s real?
When the check clears.

How do you tell your boyfriend you want him to move out of your place but reiterate that you don’t want to break up?
You’re trying to do too much at once. First, just get him to move out. You can tell him it’s not a break-up all you want, but that doesn’t matter. Deal with salvaging the relationship after the move.

I got sober. So now what?
Keep your shit together and don’t make a big deal out of it.

Are you still a teenager at 19?
Numerically and very often emotionally.

What if I never have good sex?
What if you already have?

What is the proper etiquette for leaving a one night stand the next morning? I just said “It was lovely to meet you.”
That’s about right. I usually like to finish off with a friendly kiss on the cheek and the phrase, “Have a nice life.”

Why am I attracted to guys who always have one foot out the door?
So that you can experience all of the emotional drama without taking any of the emotional risk.

What music did you play at that party with the filthy rich white people?
Music by filthy rich black people. Duh.

Do you make new year resolutions? If so, what are they?
Focus on one or two big things this year instead of a whole bunch of little things. Give all of my fucks to charity. Make out more.

If unhappiness is the resting state of marriage, what’s the resting state of being single?
Loneliness

What do you think of people that are in happy relationships but break up to “see what else is out there”?
Don’t kid yourself. Those relationships are either shallow to the point of worthlessness, or they aren’t really happy.

Are you shilling for American Express?
No. I don’t shill. I don’t have ads. I don’t take money or favors to promote shit. Ever. Can’t a bitch have a nice thing to say about a product or service without you cynical bastards assuming cash is changing hands?

What is the proper etiquette when discovering a friend of yours on a sex cam website?
Masturbate quietly to yourself as you shut the fuck up about it.

Will my husband ever be happy?
I am not a Magic 8 Ball.

I don’t want to perpetuate the Santa lie.
Relax. Santa isn’t a lie. Santa is just folklore. God is a lie.

You seem particularly aggressive this month.
Tis the season, motherfucker.

First real, long-term, “I love you” relationship; first breakup. General tips and pointers?
Step back and see the relationship as a whole, as something with a beginning, a middle, and an end. Be sad for a minute, learn what you can from it, and then move the fuck on.

What are you currently reading?
“I Forgot To Be Famous” by Almie Rose. I downloaded it to read on my flight and laughed so hard that the man sitting next to me was embarrassed.

Do you have general advice for seventeen-year-old girls?
As you develop your identity, seek as little approval as possible.

Why did I get so freaked out when my girlfriend dyed her hair? Am I shallow or just stupid? Or both?
Yeah, she’s gonna dump you in the next few weeks. Welcome to break-up season, motherfuckers.

My husband annoys the fuck out of me.
Of course he does. He’s a daily reminder that you’ve given up.

Any tips on how to tell if a married man is lying about being in an open relationship, without asking his wife?
Look him in the eye and say, “Tell me about how you and your wife decided to open up your marriage.” You’ll immediately know if he’s full of shit.

What is the difference between a garden-variety asshole with room to grow and a sociopath/narcissist that’s rotten to the core?
The capacity to modify maladaptive behavior.

Is narcissism a bad thing?
It’s the worst thing.

What is the difference between seeking vengeance and seeking justice?
Justice restores balance. Vengeance perpetuates chaos.

My whole life I would say “Jesus, why do women need to dye their hair so much? What’s wrong with just letting the color be what it is?” Now, a 24 year-old woman myself, I’ve just gotten my first blondish highlights. Is this a symbolic moment of some sort?
Yeah, no. You’ve confused multiple layers of meaning for multiple layers of hair color, but hey, feel free to keep wasting your life with simple nonsense.

What do you think of the smarm vs. snark debate?
Team snark for life, bitches.

Why do all the married couples I know seem so unhappy?
Because unhappiness is the resting state of marriage.

Thoughts on the Pope being named Time Person of the Year?
It’s just one irrelevant institution puffing up another.

Here’s the mess – bad breakup months ago. Had a date with handsome charming, couldn’t kiss goodnight. Random dude at the bar- crazy make out. Gay man at the bar- crazy make out there too. When will my mind stop being a mess?
Monday, February 17th, 2014. Noonish.

The quietest people have the loudest minds…what does that make you?
Immune to your clichéd bullshit.

What do you think of Aubrey Plaza?
I enjoy the character she plays, but I’d also like to see another one.

What’s your opinion on the Lulu iPhone app? On one hand I find it extremely useful but on the other I feel like if there was a female equivalent I’d be all up in arms!
LuLu a toothless gimmick for tacky people. It’s awful. They can try and keep it sanitized and glossy, but that shit has a rotten core. (Oh, and there is a female equivalent. It’s called revenge porn.)

What’s your opinion on meaningless sex?
Everything is meaningless. Might as well be getting laid.

I chose the path less traveled and I pay for it with every waking moment.
You pay for it either way.

Everyone around me is freaking out about finals. Any words of wisdom?
Fuck off and study.

What do you want for Christmas, Coquette?
Job security.

Any guesses as to why is it rare for me to achieve an orgasm unless I’m being choked?
Um, yeah. It’s simple behavioral reinforcement. Cerebral hypoxia makes for one hell of an antecedent stimulus prior to orgasm.

Do I want safe and warm, or do I want ecstatic?
Quit making false dichotomies with your love life.

When is using the word “whore” appropriate? Or is it never?
Feel free to use the word “whore” to describe a person who puts a price on their integrity. Never use the word “whore” to impugn a person’s promiscuity.

There’s shit music on at a party. The host is loving it, everyone else is staring awkwardly at the ground. Socially acceptable to quietly change playlists?
Sure, but if you’re more comfortable leaving the party than you are changing the music, simply get the fuck out. Either way, don’t ever let anyone hold you hostage with bad music.

What would your match.com profile say? From the “tagline” all the way down to the “about me and what I’m looking for” section.
Match.com? Are you kidding me? That’s the worst dating site on the planet. It’s a creepy-as-fuck graveyard of fake and abandoned profiles scotch-taped together with a horrible user interface. Never use match.com.

Gay here. My husband seems moody lately. One evening, he is just so irritated the minute I walk in, cant get a straight answer – seems like border line abuse to me. Then next evening he wants to plan the next vacation, cooks dinner and be as polite as can be. Is it just me thinking it???
Dude. People have moods. Sometimes they’re shitty. Maybe learn to back the fuck off occasionally, and quit making it about you.

So is your idea of the perfect marriage is one in which you and your partner are free to have extra-marital sex?
In a way, yes, but “free” implies that there are no consequences. That’s not how open relationships work.

Survived the holidays alright, Coquette?
Ha! Yep. Had to bite my tongue when my mom announced “the Indians should just get over it” with regard to changing the name of the Washington Redskins. Other than that, it was a pretty chill Thanksgiving.

I love that you take time to find and use the letter ‘é’ when you write French words.
Details fucking matter.

What do you think about monogamy?
I think it’s limiting, problematic, and too often confused with fidelity.

What do you think about Chuck Palahniuk?
I think he’s great. I want him to go all Roald Dahl and start writing children’s books.

How does George Zimmerman have a girlfriend?
Florida.

What do you think about Adam Levine?
I do not think about Adam Levine. At all. Ever. (Even just now, answering this question, didn’t think a single thing about him.)

You’ll be voting for Hillary, right?
Voting? Hell, I’d leave my job to work on her campaign.

Is Angelina Jolie for real? She seems so great, does all this great stuff, has these gorgeous kids she both adopted and created with Brad…what’s she hiding?
Nothing. Well, nothing unusual. Just crippling self doubt and decades worth of daddy issues. You know, just like the rest of us.

Why does my skin crawl whenever someone says “my parents taught me to be tolerant.”
Because what they’re really saying is “my parents taught me how to mask my arrogance and manage my white guilt with sanctimonious lip service to basic human decency.”

Have you ever had your IQ formally tested? Do you know what your actual IQ is? I ask for a paper I’m writing for my Intro to Psychology class.
Yep. I had my IQ formally tested for a research study back in school. I don’t know my score, but it was more than three standard deviations from the mean, so I couldn’t participate in the study. (At least, that’s what they told me.)

So tell us, how did you mend your heart over the last month?
Doing this.

Are all white people racist?
No, of course not, but all white people benefit from racism.

Why is it so hard to quit a jerk?
It’s hard to quit anyone once you’ve fallen for them. The more important question is why you pick jerks to begin with.

How is natural beauty an inherently hypocritical concept?
People present the concept of “natural beauty” as a rejection of common beauty standards, when in fact it is the purest form of an unattainable beauty standard. Thus the inherent hypocrisy.

My fuck buddy wants a relationship. What’s the least awkward way to tell him that I’m not looking for a commitment?
Use whatever words you’d like, but the least awkward way is to immediately stop fucking him.

I feel bad about this but I find it repulsive when men cry. What’s up with that?
Your dad was an asshole.

May we gush over Tom Hardy for a second, though?
Sploosh.

What do you think of people who police other people’s eating habits?
Not sure exactly how you mean, but you know, fuck the police.

What separates “video game enthusiast” from “undateable man-child”? My relationship might depend on your answer.
It’s not about the video games. Regardless of his enthusiasms, if you have to put with hissy-fits and passive-aggressive behavior in the face of reasonable expectations, you are in a relationship with a man-child.

How do I know whether or not my liking girls is a phase or permanent?
Everything is a phase. Nothing is permanent. Your sexual identity never has to be cast in stone, and your orientation can remain fluid throughout your life.

I don’t love Lena Dunham either, but you’re being a cyber bully.
Nope. Cyber bullies hit below the belt with cruel comments about her physical appearance. I make smart-ass remarks about her cultural influence. Valid social criticism isn’t bullying.

What is the difference between, “fucking,” “having sex,” and “making love”?
The kind of music playing in the background.

What is the difference between art and pornography?
The kind of music playing in the background.

Favorite and least favorite Real Housewife?
Favorite? NeNe. Love that bitch. Least favorite? Probably Alexis. Of all the gargoyles and garbage monsters, she represents the most evil. Teresa is pretty awful too, but her kids are so adorable that I let shit slide.

Why am I always attracted to my boyfriend’s friends more than other guys?
Proximity and ineligibility. That shit’ll get you high.

Why does Gaga’s new stuff seem so fucking tired?
Just because it’s new music doesn’t mean she’s evolved, and 2008 was a long fucking time ago.

Is it hypocritical of a person who advocates natural beauty to get a nose job?
Sure it is, but natural beauty is an inherently hypocritical concept. (Besides, just because you advocate it doesn’t mean you have any.)

Would you renounce your citizenship to live with your lover in Switzerland?
Hell no. I might get dual citizenship for a husband in Switzerland, but renouncing things for lovers is a stupid way to live your life. (Unless you’re permanently living abroad with a shit-ton of cash and trying not to get fucked by the new tax compliance act, I don’t recommend ever renouncing your US citizenship.)

Bitch, you’re totally a lawyer. It takes a lawyer to know a lawyer.
The lawyers think I’m a lawyer. The shrinks think I’m a shrink. The escorts think I’m an escort. I’m seeing a pattern here.

I’m in a sorority, and because I’m graduating this year I’m leaving the younger members a bound copy of every advice post you’ve done. You fucking rock.
Right on. Send me your contact information, and I’ll write your little freshman bitches an introduction or something.

Please tell me you hate Texas.
No, I don’t hate Texas. I just hate willful ignorance in the form of organized religion, jingoistic nationalism, and patriarchal machismo. Texas is a delicious bowl of chili, but unfortunately, a bunch of idiots keep adding those three beans to the recipe.

I get told that because I prefer older men I have some kind of father complex, and it bothers the hell out of me. What do I tell these people who keep insisting that my preferences are from having a lack of father in my life? I probably should ignore them but it’s really starting to get to me.
Ignore them if you want, but it’s not gonna stop bothering you until you come to accept the underlying truth in it. Of course, you also need to accept that it’s not a flaw. There’s absolutely no shame in the correlation.

I have friends who never stop babbling about how technology is the answer and how we’re so lucky to have the web and our smart phones etc. etc. I have other friends who get off hard to Walden and are constantly mourning this collective loss of physical experience to the virtual. I see both sides but can’t really vibe with either extreme. Where do you draw your lines?
Please. Thoreau would’ve never logged off of tumblr. We’re the luckiest motherfuckers in the history of the species to have the internet and all its accoutrements. There’s no need to make a false dichotomy out of the physical and the virtual. All you have to do is maintain a balance and draw the lines at common courtesy.

Thanks for posting so much lately! I’m sure I’m not alone in expressing how awesome it’s been. Just curious—why the change in pace?
Honestly? I’m procrastinating. There’s other shit I should be doing right now.

What would you like to be doing when your 65?
My nails. Yoga. Younger men.

What’s wrong with having a life partner?
Nothing. I’m all for it, but let’s please make a distinction between the institution of marriage and what it means to have a life partner.

Why is tradition important?
History is important, and tradition is applied history. (Of course, that’s not to say you can’t interpret and/or write your own history.)

Why does everyone assume you’re white?
I guess I seem pretty white.

The days when I do want to live, I don’t know where to start. What do I do?
Start by making your bed.

There needs to be a word to express a feeling of admiration that you have for someone because they’ve done something cool/fun/interesting that you also wish you could do. Like envy, but without the resentment. Does such a word exist?
Pretty sure the word you’re looking for is esteem.

Has this decade’s culture been an improvement over the 00’s?
Too early to tell. In fact, I think this decade will be defined by uncertainty. The art will be good, but the politics will be brutal.

I used to love giving head. I’m still happy to do it for him, but it’s not fun for me anymore. What’s up with that??
If his dick was Candy Crush, you’d be on level 455. That’s why it’s not fun anymore. It’s a puzzle that you’ve already solved.

Are you this sardonic in person? Do you get along with children?
I get along with cool people of any age.

How do you shut a bunch of slut shaming bitches up?
Leftover bondage tape.