You’ll probably tear me apart for this but I love a christian girl. She’s so damn mature and has none of that normal drama all the young girls around me have. I don’t mind not having sex, I mean I really fucking want to have sex with her but it’s fine just hanging around, messing around but not there yet.

What bothers me are kinda people like you. Don’t get me wrong, love your kind of girl. Mature shit, ethical, sexy. I have an ex fuck buddy, current friend, bitching at me about her constantly. She reads your blog, got me into it at first.

I just don’t give a shit that my girl is christian, she’s damn sweet, she doesn’t force any of it on me besides not having sex and I’m okay with that. I’ve been masturbating like hell for a year and I’m okay with it.

Your girlfriend is under the ridiculous delusion that an omnipotent, paternalistic supernatural creator of the entire universe has some dictatorial shame-based interest in what she does with her vagina, and not only are you okay with that, but you’re willing to repress a natural and healthy expression of your own sexuality out of respect for her insanity?

Whatever, dude. You’re the one writing to me to apologize on her behalf. You’re the one who managed to get pussy whipped without getting any pussy.

Live your life however you want to live it. That shit’s none of my business, really. Just don’t kid yourself into thinking she’s not leveraging sex like any average gold-digger.

I have no problem in admitting when it comes to men, looks tend to come first.  For a while that look has been the grungy hipster one.  Now I’m an 18 year old, Urban Outfitter-working, indie show-attending, attractive girl from San Francisco who’s moving out to LA next month. I’ve never had problems with finding an assortment of the type in NorCal, but to be honest I really  don’t know much about the scene down south.

What advice/tips do you have in terms of finding the quality hipster men of Los Angeles?

Can’t wait to get beard rash on your inner thighs? Here, bitch, let me get you Dov Charney’s personal cell phone number. We’ll have you in a tank thong on dirty sheets faster than you can say “Spaceland hand stamp.”

Yeah, right.

I respect the effort that went in to crafting this hilariously full-of-shit question, but you oversold the premise on this one big time. An attractive eighteen year old working at Urban Outfitters? In San Francisco? You’ve got to be joking.

Not even the ugly girl at Forever 21 would type “the quality hipster men of Los Angeles” with a straight face.

Better luck next time, Carles.

I’m a black girl who has gone to predominately white private schools for my entire life. (According to my friends at least) I’m pretty, I’m one of the smartest girls in my class and I’m funny. I don’t understand why any white guys don’t seem to give me the time of day. I hate to think it’s because of my race, but it’s all I can come up with. Others say it’s because I don’t look like an easy lay and that’s all that guys are looking for. What do you think?

It’s because you’re black.

The girl: funny, brilliant, snarky, gorgeous, possibly asexual. The other girl (me): high sex drive. The deal: We spend an absurd amount of time together, we never run out of things to say to one another, she makes me giggle like a fucking teenager when I think about her. I haven’t been in anything this functional for a long time.

We’re not anything official, which is just how I like it. She doesn’t care what I do with my spare time, so I can fuck whomever I damn well please. We’ve had a couple of frank talks about physical intimacy, and it breaks down like this: she has a low sex drive and she’s had bad experiences in the past. I’m starting to wonder if she’s asexual (for a variety of reasons). I plan on having a conversation with her about it as soon as we’re in the same time zone again, but I was wondering if you had any advice on being in a relationship with someone whose sex drive is completely different than yours – perhaps permanently different than yours.

I adore this girl, Coke Talk. She literally lights my world up, and I don’t even care how fucking sappy that sounds. I want this to work, but I’m nervous as shit. Help a girl out?

If you’re both happy to express physical intimacy without being explicitly sexual, and she’s okay with the relationship being open to the extent that you can fuck other people as long as a certain degree of intimacy is reserved exclusively for each other, then it’s entirely possible for a relationship like this to work.

Communication is key to this kind of arrangement. Not to lean on the cliche, but you’re both chicks, so I’m not too worried about your ability to communicate. The real trick is keeping all those frank talks positive and productive.

You’re googly-eyed right now, and that’s great, but that shit eventually wears off. When it does, you’ll have to be very careful not to stray into emotional intimacy territory with any of your other sex partners.

For now though, just go slow, stay brutally honest, and enjoy the butterflies.

Why is your solution always to run away from problem people?  You even suggested divorce in that latest post.  That’s crazy.  Sometimes, people are looking for tactics, not strategy.  They want to stick with it, only they need some more motivation and a new approach.  Cutting and running makes sense in a world of soft ties, but hunkering down is often the only realistic choice when there’s a web of serious relationships at stake.

Crazy is thinking you can change people. Crazy is thinking you can manage chaos. Crazy is thinking motivation and a new approach are worth two shits when they’re given to a person too weak or stupid to use them. Hunkering down is for people who can weather the storm, and not everybody has the sand.

Hell yes I suggested divorce. Bitch needed to hear it too. She’s married to an asshole who won’t modify his behavior even though his alcoholism has a body count. Fuck that guy, and fuck her for ever letting him pick up a bottle again, much less get behind the wheel under the influence.

I’m sorry, but that woman doesn’t have the strength of will, the support system, or the resources to get her husband sober. Mind you, we’re talking about man with an enabling family who is so severe an addict, he didn’t even bottom out after killing and maiming.

Shit gets done when the stakes are high, and she needs to be fully prepared to divorce his ass if he won’t change his ways. That motherfucker needs to taste some consequences.

And for the record, cutting problem people out of your life is not the same thing as running away from your problems. It doesn’t matter whether the ties are soft or serious, clinging to destructive relationships is always a bad idea.

There’s this guy that got into an accident because he was drunk driving. He had 6 passengers; one of them died a few weeks later, and one of them was paralyzed from the neck down. He also didn’t get any help from his health card because accidents while intoxicated aren’t covered. He lost a lot of money.

Now, almost two years after that, he’s still at it. He drinks, then drives. No matter how many times he was told not to, he still does. It’s like the accident didn’t happen at all, and I’m not sure if he’s just over confident or plain dumb.

What’s annoying is, his whole family doesn’t seem to mind.

I wouldn’t mind too, only I’m married to the guy. I’ve tried talking to him and, well, verbally harassing him, but to no avail. How can I get through that thick skull of his?

If you need to get through the thick skull of your manslaughtering, life destroying, yet still constantly drunk driving husband, might I suggest a bullet?

Of course, if you don’t have the strength of character to get him to stop drinking in the first place, you probably don’t have what it takes to fake his suicide before he kills again. Your next best bet would just be serving him with divorce papers and cutting him out of your life.

Obviously, he comes from money or he’d be in prison right now, so feel free to take him for whatever he’s got left. Get out now before he fucks up again, especially if you have kids.

At the very least, don’t join him on his downward spiral.

I told him I was pregnant. First thing he did was ask if I’m going to get it “taken care of”. When I said yes and asked him to help me pay for half of it, since it is half his, he said why should he if he isn’t even sure it’s his. I have never slept with anyone else during our relationship, or even thought about it. I need some strong words to help me get out of this situation and move on from him.

Okay, you’re not going Dutch on your fucking abortion. That’s insane. You’re the one who has to go through it, so the least this piece of shit can do is pick up the tab.

Believe me, he will. It’s easy math. He either throws down a few hundred bucks now, or he faces eighteen years of child support payments. As fucked up as it sounds, you have all the leverage in the world until you have the procedure.

All you have to say is, “I’m not getting an abortion unless you pay for it.” Boom. It’s as simple as that.

If he gives you any crap about it not being his, tell him that not only are you 100% sure that it’s his, but his name will go on the birth certificate as the father, making him legally responsible for child support.

I guarantee you, he’ll pay.

Get the money up front, preferably in cash. If he writes you a check, make sure it clears before you have the procedure. If he puts it on a credit card, make sure you’re not financially responsible if he disputes the charge.

Once it’s done, never say another word to this douchebag, and just in general, don’t fuck up like this again. Start having safer sex with higher quality men.

I’m having a major problem, it has recently come to light that I am in actual fact the reincarnation of Jesus. The thing is that I don’t want to be Jesus, I am a Hindu. What do I do?

The good news is, you are not the reincarnation of Jesus. The bad news is, you are either mentally ill or an enormous douche.

If you’re gonna have a messiah complex, the least you could do is stick to your own tradition and claim to be an avatar of Vishnu or something. If I were you, I’d just go with Krishna, or if you really have balls, claim to be Kalki.

Who knows? If you’re charismatic enough and you really commit to the whole idea, you might even get a good little cult going.

Good luck being a whack job.