You are one of my two favorite blogs. Your writing is brilliant. You should know that I lead a completely different lifestyle from yours- I live in the midwest, I don’t know much about the opposite sex, I have never done a drug “harder” than weed, and I was raised Catholic.

Your blog has made me reevaluate my feelings on a multitude of issues, and I thank you for the mental stimulation.

My main question is: Why cocaine? You say things like “when I die, I want my ashes mixed with glitter and cocaine, and shot up into the sky from behind the Hollywood sign.”

What is it about cocaine that gets you through the weekend? How does it expand your mind? Is there anything you don’t like about it?

Friends get me through the weekend, not cocaine. New experiences expand my mind, not cocaine. I’m a party girl, not a drug addict. Sure, sometimes we’ll lay out a few lines and ramble on into the wee hours, but that’s never the point.

Listen, there’s plenty I don’t like about cocaine. It can turn people into gibbering idiots, it has the tendency to amplify anxiety, and it has the potential for serious abuse. There’s plenty I don’t like about glitter too, but fuck, most things get messy when you use too much of them.

I’m not here to glorify drugs. If you think that, you’ve missed the point entirely. It’s all just a pile of chemicals. Strip away the bullshit, and cocaine is just another medicinal plant extract no different than caffeine.

It’s only through a series of unhappy ethnobotanical and geopolitical accidents that caffeine is the primary active ingredient in the can of extreme soda some thick skulled police officer slurps down for a cheap rush right before he commits some horrible injustice against a citizen for possessing a mere gram of powdered cocaine.

A drug is a drug. The rest is all politics and culture. I know at first glance it may seem like I’m constantly blowing rails, but gimme a break, this whole silly experiment was born out of one night of coke talk with my friends last summer. At the time, I didn’t know I was creating a goddamned personal brand.

The decadent shit I do on any given weekend may or may not include recreational substances, but the glorification is owed to incredible experiences with fabulous people. I can’t stress enough that it’s never about the drugs.

Try cocaine if you want. Or don’t. It sounds like you might want to smoke a little more weed and sit on a rock hard cock or two before you start thinking about the California booger sugar. Whatever. Move at your own pace.

Just remember, cocaine isn’t the enemy. Human weakness is.

You seem like the kind of person that would absolutely hate the vapid people you talk about in your blog. What makes you want to stick around L.A.?

The world is full of vapid people, darling. They’re everywhere. At least in Los Angeles there is a whimsy and caprice that gives the pointlessness a certain kind of charm.

Besides, my heart’s not filled with hate. I’ve come to appreciate the bubbly, effervescent flavor of vapid that’s cultivated out here. It’s a lot more healthy than the angry, bitter version that grows wild in other regions of the country.

Most of the time, I don’t mind the douchebaggery. I can be at a club and Sir Douchealot, king of all douchebags, can swagger up to me sweating velveeta from every pore thinking he’s gonna lay some game and I’ll be perfectly okay with it. I’ll even let him sit down and open with his best move, because that motherfucker is playing checkers when I’m playing chess.

If I’m in the right mood, that kind of shit is fun for me, because everyone is a human being, even that poor, unfortunate little boy trapped under all that Affliction and hair gel. You’d be surprised, even in LA, how quickly people stop talking bullshit and start connecting at a personal level once you make the slightest overture of respect and intelligence.

Nobody is so vapid that you can’t find something to share with them, and quite frankly, every time I convince a meat head to shave his chin strap beard or finish his degree, I make the world a better place.

Any idea how everything was created? I’m trying to figure out what I believe, and it seems that the process of elimination seems to be the easiest way at this point.

I’m not exactly asking for advice, I know, but I figure your advice would be as good as any (and better than some). Thanks for reading, and thanks for the column!

The problem with creation myths is that they’re the inevitable result of a human mind trapped in a four dimensional relativistic paradigm in which the universe has a causal arrow of time.

We can’t help but notice the clock ticking, and being the inquisitive little monkeys that we are, we can’t help but ask ourselves how it all got started. Thing is, I think it might end up being a silly question.

The fact that the clock is ticking in the first place is most likely gonna turn out to be a limitation of our skewed perception. I’m not saying time doesn’t exist. I’m just saying our species has a pretty shitty track record of making assumptions about the nature of the universe.

Hell, it took us a while just to figure out that the planet was round. We’ve made some lovely improvements since then, but I think this linear, creationist interpretation of the universe is merely a stage in our cognitive evolution.

If our species is lucky enough to develop and get a peek at that next level shit, I have a sneaking suspicion that one day, asking how everything was created will be similar to asking what happens when you sail off the edge of the Earth.