How do I keep myself from feeling jaded and bitter that I’ve never found anything more than the kind of sex for sale on TV?

The whole reason they’re selling that kind of sex on TV is so they can make you feel jaded and bitter about your sexuality. That’s how they get you to buy all the other silly plastic things.

Stop letting consumer culture define sex for you. You’ve never found anything more than the kind of sex for sale on TV because you haven’t even stopped to examine for yourself what the real thing might be like.

It’s up to you to figure it out. It requires self-exploration and probably a little experimentation. You have to relentlessly ask yourself “Why?” You have to be vulnerable. You have to be willing to connect with another human being on terms that you define by and for yourself.

That’s the thrilling part, the connection. I’m not talking about love. Hell, I’m not even talking about chemistry. I’m talking about a mutual and momentary annihilation of the ego through a sexual act. It’s some spiritual shit. The sex itself is almost incidental, and that’s kind of the point.

How you go about finding it is your own thing, but you have to be willing to fucking look for it. You have to recognize that it’s an internal quest. Those are never easy, and while it might occasionally leave you confused and frustrated, at least it won’t leave you jaded and bitter.

I just saw this pop up on facebook and I’m curious about what you’d say to this:

“In all of my research on the subject of gay marriage here are the indisputable facts. All but 1 of the major religions around the globe do not condone homosexual marriage and all but 2 find it insulting. As of July 2012 that accounts for roughly 66% of the worlds population. 2/3rds of the people on the planet find it insulting for homosexuals to be married. While the homosexual, bisexual, and transgender population of the united states is estimated at only 3.8% or 9 million which out of the total population of the world comes out to be .13%. .13% wants to have their voice heard over 66%. Remember these are indisputable facts so before anyone tries to make a biased opinionated comment let me remind you that nothing in this statement, according to valid sources, is incorrect. Let math speak for this not bitter words.”

First of all, this isn’t math. This is number salad, and the idiot who tossed it together doesn’t understand statistics or the meaning of the word indisputable.

I’m willing to grant that most of the world’s major religions have fucked up opinions about gay marriage, but it takes a rambling mess of logical fallacies to conclude that 66% of the people on the planet find gay marriage insulting due to the institutionalized ignorance of their respective religions.

I have more faith in humanity than that, but hey, just for the sake of argument, let’s say that 66% of the people on the planet really are against gay marriage. So fucking what? All that means is 66% of the people are 100% wrong.

See? Simple math. So simple that the percentage of people who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender doesn’t factor into this moral equation at all. For the record, it’s definitely higher than 3.8%, but even if it was .001%, it wouldn’t matter in the least.

You don’t get to deny people their civil liberties just because they’re in the minority. Everyone deserves equal rights under the law, and everyone else’s stupid religion can just step the fuck off.

Is sex overrated?
The kind for sale on TV is overrated, but the real thing is pretty fucking great.

I’ve never been broken up with. I’ve ended the few serious relationships I’ve been in. This bothers me, but I’m not sure what to do about it.
That’s not what bothers you. What bothers you is that you don’t know whether you’ve ever really been in love.

After seeing that video of amanda bynes, you still don`t think she’s trying to pull some Joaquin Phoenix ‘I’m still here” type shit? It just seemed way too theatrical and ridiculous.
Who gives a fuck? Amanda Bynes could announce tomorrow that her twitter account is a poetic contemplation of Baudrillard’s Precession of Simulacra, and I still wouldn’t be impressed with her ratchet ass bullshit.

Do you still believe in gender roles? How do you define “manhood”?
Manhood is the state of being an adult male. Anything more specific than that is a matter of culture, and I don’t particularly care to define it. As for gender roles, yes, I believe they still exist.

Should I tell my ex I cheated on him a year ago? I know I’m a piece of shit.
If it would hurt him, don’t do it. You don’t get to confess at his expense.

Why were the 90s so much better?
They weren’t. Not at all. Neither were the 70s or the 50s. Certain aspects of culture are just cyclical, and this is when a few wet chunks of the 90s will come gurgling back up the drain.

Should the federal drinking age be lowered?
Federally? There should be no drinking age.

I really like fucking gender A but am dating someone of gender B, whom I also enjoy fucking. If I exclusively commit to/marry/make adorable babies with said B-gendered person, will I always miss gender A sex?
Yep. You’ll always miss gender A sex. Eventually, you’ll also miss gender B sex with someone other than your exclusive B-gendered partner. Sorry, babe. Monogamy is twice as hard when you’re bisexual.

Do periods and commas go inside or outside quotation marks?
Inside.

Your slab serif font is cute, but a little “so two years ago.”
A passive aggressive graphic designer? Cute. Fred Armisen could play you in a Portlandia sketch or something.

I live in Boston. What’s the best way to deal with my anger?
Recognize it. Sit down next to your anger and just fucking recognize that shit, but whatever you do, don’t take it out on people. It’s there, and it’s justified, but it’s not to be inflicted on others.

WHY do people only care about the explosions that occur in America and not explosions that America causes?
It’s a phenomenon known as selective empathy made worse by a nasty case of American exceptionalism. Don’t let it make you angry, especially not right now. You would be wise not to inject your personal politics into conversations about Boston.

What the fuck do we do when the world just keeps getting scarier and scarier?
The world isn’t getting scarier. You’re just a bit scared. It’s an understandable reaction, but don’t let fear take root in your head.

I was there. I saw the explosions, and now I don’t know what to do.
You’ll be okay. The shock is starting to wear off, and you’re gonna be left with some intense emotions. Give yourself some time and allow yourself to feel whatever you’re feeling. It’s all perfectly normal.

How do I respond to the assertion that I “shouldn’t advertise what’s not for sale” with my choice of dress?

Response #1 (The High Road): “It’s insulting to imply that my sexuality is for sale, and it’s disrespectful to make comments that commodify my body.”

Response #2 (The Middle Road): “How I dress is none of your business.”

Response #3 (The Low Road): “You wish you had these tits.”

Are drugs bad?
Nope. Addiction is bad. Human weakness is bad, but drugs are just a bunch of chemicals, and chemicals are morally inert.

Is Amanda Bynes just playing a huge joke on everyone?
She’s fucking around a little, poking the celebrity machine with a stick during her free-fall into obscurity, but don’t confuse her twitter account with performance art. Amanda Bynes is no Andy Kaufman.

Sometimes casual sex makes me feel powerful and sometimes it makes me feel hollow. What’s up with that?
It’s not the sex. It’s whether your expectations meet with reality.

What’s the best way to form an opinion on something?
With as little ignorance and as much rationality as possible.

Can you love (romantically) two people at once?
Sure. Happens all the time. It rarely ends well, but hey, good luck.

Are you afraid of being in love with someone?
Nope. I’m much more afraid of someone being in love with me.

I need ideas for dirty talk in the bedroom. I’m not into ‘slut’, but ‘that feels so fuckin’ good’ is just getting old…
The trick to dirty talk is using the second person imperative mood to describe the physical action as it’s taking place in the moment. When in doubt, just fall back on basic “verb (suck, lick, fuck) that adjective (hard, wet, hot) noun (cock, pussy, ass)” sentence structure.

Is it OK for me to send a mean-spirited text message to my husband’s ex-girlfriend who still pursues him (not a real threat because he’s not interested)? On one hand it would feel kind of shitty, but it also seems like it would be satisfying.
I feel sorry for your husband.

I keep typing Deaf Coquette.
Use your middle finger.

What do you think of the “topless jihad” protests FEMEN is doing in order to try and “save” Muslim women from their hijab/niqaab etc?

You’re missing the point. FEMEN activists aren’t trying to save Muslim women from their traditional dress. They’re trying to provoke a response through disruptive activism, and they’re doing a damn good job.

You have to understand, this is what radicals and reactionaries do. In this case, the radicals are breast-baring feminists and the reactionaries are fatwa-issuing muslims. It’s Boobs versus Rubes in an international, counter-cultural game of shirts and skins.

The radicals cry out against the systematic oppression and institutionalized subjugation of women through religious patriarchy. They deliberately provoke and offend through staged demonstrations in the hopes that the reactionaries will live up to their name and react.

Right on cue, the pseudo-intellectual reactionaries cry western imperialism and hurl accusations of Islamophobia while the fundamentalist reactionaries cry blasphemy and hurl stones.

It’s really quite fun to watch everyone pick sides, especially the socially conscious cultural relativists whose pointy little heads are about to explode from all the cognitive dissonance.

Obviously, I’m rooting for team FEMEN. Duh. Boobs are awesome and organized religion is evil, but it doesn’t even matter how the rest of this game plays out, because as is always the case, the radicals automatically win just by getting the reactionaries to show up and open their stupid mouths.

What would you have as an alternative to the police? Do you think there’s a way to keep people from breaking laws without having a state monopoly on violence?

Don’t be ridiculous. The state’s monopoly on violence doesn’t keep people from breaking the law any more than the church’s monopoly on damnation keeps people from living in sin.

Let’s be clear about the real problem: Our laws don’t exist to maintain justice. Our laws exists to maintain order on behalf of a ruling class. The criminal justice system is a means of social control. Justice may occasionally be served, but it’s incidental and never at the expense of order.

Fundamentally, the police aren’t even the issue. It’s the laws themselves, specifically the ones that do nothing more than criminalize socially unacceptable behavior. The crown jewel in this argument is the war on drugs, but things have gotten so ridiculously out of hand that in this supposedly free country of ours, even the size of your sugary soda is up for regulation.

I don’t necessarily need an alternative to the police. I just want an alternative to their de facto purpose. Emergency first responders and criminal investigators are vital roles in a functioning society, but when police officers spend the majority of their time selectively enforcing victimless vice and public-order law, that’s when they start earning their reputation as jack-booted thugs in service of an Orwellian regime.

What are your thoughts on the new Pope? Is his humbleness just some marketing strategy from the Vatican?

Displays of piety are always a marketing strategy, and let’s not forget that this asshole considers himself to be the infallible voice of god on earth. If you’re impressed just because he doesn’t wear the shiny red shoes, you seriously need to adjust your definition of humble.

My favorite movie is Roman Polanski’s Cul-de-Sac, a fact which shocked my boyfriend, who said that he refuses to watch any Polanski film because of the rape charges. So, Coquette, can you separate the art from the artist?

Of course. One can and should separate the art from the artist. That still doesn’t change the fact that you’re a pretentious douche with horrible taste in movies.

I can’t get across my college campus without some mouthbreather hassling me about going to church. I usually smile and say no thanks but it’s getting harder. Should I just tell them what I really think sometimes? I’m a very stringent atheist who feels that abrahamic religions do far more bad than good. Or should I just find new ways to keep my cool?

Moments like that are a golden opportunity to practice the art of keeping cool while looking someone dead in the eye and telling them to fuck off.

My uncle was a member of the original free-loving, Vietnam War-protesting, acid-taking hippie movement. Though he used to be an avid drug user, he told me he would never take the drugs being sold now because of how synthetic they are and all of the extra ingredients in them, making them more dangerous. I thought this was an interesting point, but at the same time our food has evolved in the same way, carrying many more insecticides and other chemicals than are on the labe