On how you’re doing

So, impressions of Hollywood: dating an actor makes you feel lonely and the pretty-boys aren’t as good at kissing as they look. How am I doing? - 19/f

You’re doing fine, especially for your age. Spread it out a bit, though. You’ve got a lock on Hollywood, so date a beach guy. Date a Downtown guy (both suit and flannel versions). Date a rich older guy. Fuck it, date a girl.

You’ve got a solid half-decade before anyone expects you to take any of this bullshit seriously, so get out there and swallow it up. Make a few mistakes. Learn your kinks. Figure out what you want. Fall in and out of love. Go do it all, and then do it again harder.

Go conquer the fucking city with your heart.

On getting a cat together

Where does “getting a cat together” fall on the seriousness of a relationship scale? My friend is dating and living with a guy I hate. They just got a cat. I feel that’s another step closer to marriage somehow.

Meh. Getting a dog together is a step closer to marriage. Getting a cat together is a step closer to a one-sided break-up.

Also, let’s be real. Unless this guy was already into cats (which is kind of its own red flag), he didn’t want a fucking cat. She wanted a cat, and he just wanted to make her happy.

Sure, she likes to tell everyone that “they” got a cat, but do you think he’ll ever once refer to it as “our cat” when she’s not in the room? Hell no. He tells his friends, “she got a cat,” and then they buy him a drink out of pity.

They might end up married. They might not. Whatever happens, one thing’s for sure: that cat won’t be living with him one day longer than she will.

On fun-sized advice

If someone openly says that they are not a good person, and also includes that they don’t know what it means to love someone, would it be stupid to date them? Is it stupid to even ask?
They are either telling the truth, and you shouldn’t date them, or they are playing games with you, and you shouldn’t date them.

What am I supposed to do when I’m in love with two different people?
That’s not a “supposed to do” situation. What do you want to do? Try doing that. (If you’re honest with the people involved, and they don’t want what you want, then at that point, hopefully you’ll know more about what best to do.)

What would you say to a loved one who is addicted to meth that tells you not to judge their sins differently than yours?

Addiction isn’t a sin. It’s a psychobiological mechanism that leads to shitty behavior — super shitty in the case of meth addiction — and you should feel free to judge that shitty behavior however you damn well please, because as a loved one, the negative consequences affect you too.

Friend’s bf said she has a rape statistic mentality. Friend offended at the wording. Asked bf, he says he meant she behaves like a victim, won’t take responsibility. Who’s right?
Your friend might very well have a victim mentality, but her boyfriend is definitely a dick for so casually referring to victims as “rape statistics.”

Why do you need the assurance that your questions are from humans?
Because I was tired of getting spam from robots.

What’s up the new heading font? WE FEAR CHANGE. WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN US.

Yes, I changed a font. It added a small measure of visual consistency across my sites. Plus, I just felt like it. Those of you who dig it, thanks for letting me know. Those of you who hate it, chill the fuck out. You’ll be used to it by Labor Day.

You’re always like “hey don’t assume I’m white, I’m anonymous and you don’t know shit blah blah.” Bitch, we’ve all seen your pasty fingers with hatefuck nails and holdin up a book in Powells. You’re white.

Bitch, all you can tell from pictures of my nails is that I ain’t Lupita Nyong’o. Maybe I’m Puerto Rican Barbie. Maybe I’m Blackanese. Maybe I’m whiter than Wonderbread stuck in Taylor Swift’s front teeth. Who the fuck knows? Point is, my privilege is checked to death and my nails look fucking fabulous.

Have you ever been punched?
Sure. Have you ever been fucked in the ass?

On statistical claims

What do you think about the claim that lesbian couples have a higher incidence of domestic violence than straight couples?

I don’t think much of anything about statistical claims without a source, and regardless of the numbers (or the methods used to determine those numbers), I’m much more interested in whatever underlying belief would cause a person to cite a given statistic.

So, here’s the better question: If lesbian couples do, in fact, have a higher incidence of domestic violence than straight couples, what does that make true for you? What belief does it reinforce? What belief does it refute? What does that say about you as a person?

This is the kind of statistic that a gay rights activist might use to highlight a need for more social services with regard to a particularly underserved segment of the population. Okay, fine. I can get behind that.

Unfortunately, this is also the kind of statistic that a men’s rights activist might use to reinforce his belief that women are more culpable than men with regard to their roles in domestic violence. If that’s the angle, then dude needs to step the fuck back.

Point is, if somebody is coming at you with statistics, it’s because they literally have something to prove. Make them prove it and then make them tell you why, because the numbers themselves are almost always less important than the reason someone wishes they were higher or lower.

On being the adult

I recently forgot to log out of my facebook and my mom logged on and read all of my messages to my friends. She now knows that I smoke and drink (stupid, I know, but I only do it during the summer). More than that, she now knows that I like girls, something I’d been hoping on telling her when I’m no longer underage and living in my parents’ house. I’m currently visiting my cousin in Oxford, and she called me crying and saying that she and my dad had never given me a reason to be this way. I didn’t know that my parents were incredibly homophobic, but they definitely are. To even the playing field, I logged onto her facebook and read her correspondences with my cousin, the only person who’s been on my side during this whole affair. She told him that she can’t stop crying and that she’ll never be able to trust me again. She wants me to switch schools for my senior year. I’m flying back to see her today. I don’t know if I should deny being bi or just tell her that there’s nothing wrong with liking girls, but I don’t think she’d believe me.

Can you advise me on what to do from here?

I’m very sorry that your mother is an ignorant drama queen.

Here’s the fundamental problem: Your innocence is a part of her identity. She still thinks of you as a child, and your budding womanhood is a threat to how she identifies as a mother and a brutal reminder of her own impending obsolescence.

Don’t make this about her homophobia. That’s a waste of your time. You have the rest of your life to slowly change her mind on the big issues. For now, your immediate goal should be to avoid drastic consequences.

Let her know that forcing you to switch schools for your senior year would be a dangerous and stupid idea, a knee-jerk reaction that amounts to little more than petty retaliation on her part. All it would do is increase your likelihood of further teenage rebellion and provide you with newer and better opportunities to smoke, drink, and experiment with your sexuality.

Don’t think of the impending conflict as a fight. Think of it as a negotiation. Your mother will be all blind rage and blubbering emotion. Don’t add to it by bringing more emotion to the table. Be cool. You have nothing to prove.

She’s making this all about her, so you can use that to your advantage. When she says stupid shit like she’s “never given you a reason to be this way,” simply agree with her. It’s not about denying your bisexuality. It’s about minimizing your bisexuality to help reinforce her own crumbling ego.

She has all the authority, but you have all the power. Use that power wisely. You’re stuck under her roof for what I’m guessing is another year, so make this an exercise in keeping the peace until you can start your own life.

Ironically, what I’m suggesting is that you be the adult in this situation.

On peace in the middle east

$40 million in your bank account, or peace in the Middle East for, say, 500 years. What do you choose?


If the 500 years of peace in the Middle East results from everyone in the region legitimately abandoning their respective organized religions in favor of rational, progressive, and cooperative humanism, then I choose peace.

If the 500 years is just the same ancient tribal bullshit without the bullets, then I’ll take the money and everyone can go fuck themselves.

On tolerating idiots

My boyfriend is ridiculously funny and charming when it’s just the two of us but is quiet and reserved in social situations. He says he just needs to ‘get to know everyone better’ but it’s been 3 months. He’s literally a different person when we’re alone - what is up with that? - 21/f

Dear 21/f,

When you say your boyfriend is “quiet and reserved in social situations,” what you really mean to say is that he “keeps to himself when he’s forced to hang out with my friends.”

When your boyfriend says he “just needs to get to know everyone better,” what he really means to say is that he “just needs a little more time to figure out how to tolerate those idiots.”

Yes, your boyfriend thinks your friends are idiots. The only reason he puts energy into being funny and charming around you is because you grant him what I imagine is very limited access to your vagina.

I’m sure he’d be funny and charming to your friends if they did the same.

(Just so you know, that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach is what you get for misusing the word “literally.” That’s what’s up with that.)

On private lives

Jay Z and Beyoncé exploit their own relationship. It might as well be our business what they do in their private lives if they’re offering it to us to buy and admire.

Hell no. Anyone who wears a wedding ring publicly exploits their own relationship. That doesn’t make it any of our damn business. Every last one of us has a public, a private, and a secret life. We would all do well to respect the difference, even for those who are famous.

Jay Z and Beyonce may be the closest thing we have to American royalty, but their fame doesn’t entitle us to their private lives. I know there’s an entire bottom-feeding industry of celebrity gossip that would have you believe otherwise, but TMZ is wrong.

It’s none of our fucking business.

On fun-sized advice

Do you think Beyonce & Jay-Z have a monogamous marriage?
I don’t think it’s any of our motherfucking business.

Why do I scare guys I like away, and attract the ones I don’t?
That’s just your confirmation bias talking.

Why is it so fucking hard to lose those last 10 pounds?
Because the law of diminishing returns is a real thing.

The moment’s passed, obviously, but any advice as to what to do when I’m blowing a guy (on and off again bf), I look up and he’s checking his fucking phone, mid-fellatio?
If you’re just trying to get him off, feel free to immediately end the blowjob. If there’s something in it for you (like you’re getting him hard enough to fuck, or you simply enjoy sucking dick) then it’s up to you whether to give a shit. In my experience, it’s better to find that kind of thing funny rather than insulting.

To be a lawyer, do you think one should completely be abiding of the law? I get the feeling the answer’s already ‘no’, but I just don’t have any grasp of how to explain why.
No one can nor should be completely abiding of the law. If you want a better grasp on explaining why, first learn the fundamental differences between the concepts of morality, ethics, justice, and the law.

What age or when should I stop fighting wrinkles?
That’s entirely up to you, but there’s a difference between fighting wrinkles and taking care of your skin. Taking care of your skin is something you do for your own personal good health and well being. Fighting wrinkles is something you do in furtherance of ageist, patriarchal beauty standards. The regimens may be identical, but the underlying rationale makes all the difference in the world.

Thoughts on the end of Californication? You were an early fan. Have you stuck with it to the end or did you give up a couple seasons back when it got really bad?
I stuck with it, but it was awful. I was glad to see it end. Hank Moody deserved better than to become a boring clown surrounded by misogynistic cartoons.

What does your dream wedding dress look like?
The one Stephanie Seymour wore in the November Rain video. (That’s not so much a dream wedding dress as it is a “sex dream” wedding dress.)

What’s the best insult you’ve ever come up with?
I don’t know about the best, but I’m particularly fond of this one.