I’m a lesbian. Woo. Yay rainbows and shit. I was raised in a really conservative, Southern Baptist family; yeah, that was fun. Anyway, I’m in a very serious relationship with my girlfriend, and we’re planning to marry once it’s legal in our state. However, my family refuses, completely, to ever acknowledge our relationship. In fact, they take regular measures to remind me of how disappointing and wrong my (our*) life is, and they make a point to keep it clear that they will never allow her to have any interaction with our family. I can rarely spend time with them anymore without ending up in a fight about it. I’ve tried to preserve the relationship because they’re family, but I want to know, is there a point at which I should just put my foot down and cut ties? Or should I just plaster a fake smile on my face and spend the rest of my life going stag to family functions, clenching my teeth every time someone encourages me to “find a man, already”?

I’m so very sorry that a stupid fucking religion has come between you and your family. If they won’t accept who you are because of a small-minded interpretation of an irrational belief system, then you are under no obligation to plaster a fake smile on your face for the rest of your life.

Do what you gotta do. Cutting ties is a big deal, but this is one of those circumstances where you should definitely put your own happiness and well-being above their petty and ignorant bullshit.

It may take years for them to learn their lesson, but if there is even an ounce of good in them, eventually they’ll realize that having a lesbian daughter is better than having no daughter at all.

And if not, fuck ‘em.

Why do people listen to you when you’re so full of shit? Anyone can just get the same shit you dole out by asking any random pretentious student at Barnard.

Mmm. Here comes the hate. It’s so predictable and delicious. Love your choice of cultural references, by the way. Barnard? How sassy of you. (I’m so sorry that you didn’t get into your safety school.)

Yeah, I’m in a mood this morning, like maybe I wanna see how many social justice warriors I can get to unfollow me. Come on, who wants to join me for a champagne brunch and watch me check my privilege?

“Can you ever be friends with your boss? Sure you can, but never forget that in his role as your boss he is not your friend.”

Interesting that you chose a masculine pronoun there for a question in which gender wasn’t specified. I understand that “he” is often the default, but I thought that in this context, the grammatical reinforcement of boss = male wasn’t helpful.

In some ways this shit could seem pedantic and wholly inconsequential. On the other hand, you’d call someone out for this, so I’m just returning the favor.

Personally, I have no problem using the masculine singular (he/his) as the default pronoun. Using the neuter plural (they/their) in place of a singular pronoun drives me fucking crazy, and using the feminine singular (she/her) usually has political and ironic implications that end up being more problematic than just defaulting to the masculine singular.

That’s certainly the case here. If I had said, “never forget that in her role as your boss, she is not your friend,” that would have added an extra layer of undesirable meaning. The humorless cunt brigade would have written just as many angry letters accusing me of calling female bosses duplicitous as wrote me angry letters for defaulting to the masculine singular pronoun. (Yes, I got several letters.)

There are times when defaulting to the feminine singular is necessary for emphasis, but this wasn’t one of those times. Also, I’m just not the type to write with my elbows to avoid using gendered language.

Sorry, kids. Life is full of double standards and awkward pronouns. Get used to it, and learn to pick your fucking battles.

Why is it cool when Beyoncé calls her man daddy but grounds for the asker to break up?

Okay, numnard. Let me explain that scenario using small words so you’ll understand:

Man asks woman to do something in bed she finds creepy and degrading. Woman refuses. Instead of respecting her sexual boundaries, man accuses woman of being judgmental and close minded.

Do you see it now? Probably not, because like most assholes, you feel entitled to your sexual kinks, regardless of how they make your partner feel.

My answer wasn’t a response to a guy asking to be called “daddy” during sex. It was a response to a guy being a disrespectful douchebag when he didn’t get what he wanted.

Why are people so suspicious of my spontaneous generosity? I seriously have mastered the art of generosity as far as I can tell. Zero strings. People are so suspicious. I am trying so hard to ghandi this fucking world into a kind and thoughtful place, but everyone looks at me like I’m insane…maybe i am…but being generous isn’t why or even how.

Dude. You’re creepy. Fuck off with your generosity.

People have every right to be suspicious of you, and they should be, because your behavior obviously violates their boundaries. You think there are zero strings with whatever weird shit you’re doing, but really, you’re imposing yourself on others. That’s not cool.

You don’t get to circumvent social conventions just because you think you’re well intentioned. If you really were being kind and thoughtful, you’d learn how to behave without making people suspicious.

You haven’t mastered the art of generosity. You’re just a creep trying to justify being creepy.

Hi! Firstly, I’m a huge fan and faithful reader. I’m hoping you can help me with a slightly odd moral dilemma…

I’m an escort and recently saw a very wealthy client who is easily the the most unabashed racist I’ve ever met. I’m white, and he must have thought he was in friendly company because he used every single racial slur I’ve ever encountered and then some. It was the most disgusting display of racism I’ve ever seen in person. He also uses the promise of money for humiliating power-plays with his ex-wife, children and any friends he hasn’t managed to drive away. Just thinking about this smug prick makes my blood boil. He’s a narcissistic bastard with no obvious redeeming qualities. He also doesn’t approve of charity – I was treated to a lovely speech about how people should help themselves and that he doesn’t believe in ’taking more than his fair share.’ He also made jokes about physically abusing the homeless. Anyway, I kept my mouth shut for a few hours and managed to relieve him of a couple of grand.

Now my question – he spent a lot of time gloating about his 30+ years of rampant tax evasion. I know enough accurate details about this prick to make an anonymous report to the tax office. He sees escorts on a regular basis and I’m certain he isn’t usually more discreet. What’s more, I’m sure there are many people in this man’s life who would be delighted to see the government take a closer look at his finances. I don’t think there’s any way for this to be traced back to me. He has no dependents – his ex-wife receives no alimony and his children are financially independent. Another thing to consider is that he has a micro-penis – under 1 inch when fully erect. So he does have to live with that.

I’m conflicted. Is going through life with a ridiculously tiny dick punishment enough? What do you think, Coquette? Should I give karma a helping hand or just let it be?

By the way, I know this sounds like fiction but I swear it’s 100% accurate. Thanks for your help!

Just let it be.

This isn’t really a moral dilemma. This man sounds like a horrible person, but he is also your client. You voluntarily entered into a business relationship with him, and loathsome as he may be, he hasn’t cheated you or violated the terms of your business relationship in any way.

You are under no obligation to keep him as a client, and you should feel free to terminate the relationship if putting up with his grotesque behavior isn’t worth it, but to anonymously report him to the tax office is vindictive and disproportional.

That’s not to say he doesn’t deserve it, but that isn’t the point. He may have offended you, but he hasn’t wronged you, and I know you’re aware of the difference.

Have some integrity. As repulsive as a man may be, don’t fuck with him unless he fucks with you. This isn’t about his karma. It’s about yours.

it turns out a friend of some of my friends won’t take any form of no as an answer from women when he’s blackout drunk besides literal punches to the face. he hasn’t raped anybody that i know of, but he does extended following, aggressive cornering, unwanted touching, turning rejection into flirting, and he forced my friend to make out with him until she could get away. how do i negotiate talking to him about his behavior and continuing to operate within a group of friends that he’s nonnegotiably part of?

Normally I prefer not to respond to submissions this sloppy, but your underlying question is too important to ignore. What you’re asking is how to deal with a person in your sphere of friends who becomes inappropriately sexual and physically aggressive when he’s intoxicated.

If I was in your shoes, I’d first build a coalition within the group. I would speak individually to each friend I knew would support me, and I’d get them to agree that the guy’s behavior is inappropriate and should no longer be tolerated.

Spread the responsibility for monitoring his behavior around to as many people in your group of friends as possible. Make sure they understand that it’s a problem that needs correcting, and that it’s okay for them to actually do something to correct it.

As for talking directly to the guy, don’t wait until he’s drunk and acting up before you have the discussion with him. Sit him down when he’s sober and let him know that he can’t continue to behave that way. Shoot him straight. Tell him exactly what he’s done wrong and why he can’t continue behaving that way.

After you’ve had the talk with him, if he continues acting inappropriately, that’s when you call him out in front of the group. Use shame as your tool to alter his behavior when he’s drunk.