I’m confused. When are the questions sent to your blog anonymous, and when aren’t they?

If you submit a question through the form on the Dear Coquette website by pressing the “Go ahead, be vulnerable” button, then it’s completely anonymous. I have no way of knowing who you are.

Tumblr also has an ask box feature. I don’t link to it, but the URL is fairly obvious and enough tumblr users know how to find it that I get quite a few submissions there. If you submit through the tumblr ask box by pressing the “Ask” button, it’s not anonymous, because I know which tumblr sent it to me.

I do this deliberately, of course. The tumblr ask box is sort of a back door I leave open for neighbors. (They call it the tumblr community for a reason.)

I always think it’s interesting when people say they feel hollow after casual sex. Usually I’m the opposite in that I have a million feelings rushing through me the next day and feel like I’m going to have a panic attack. I almost prefer the times I’ve felt hollow, except not really because they occurred with someone who consistently treated me like nothing more than a hole for his dick. But really, the post hook up panic sucks, and it happens even if I do something as light as cuddling.

Okay, first of all, cuddling is not light. Cuddling is advanced togetherness. Cuddling is more intimate than anal sex after a big meal. Messier too, especially if you’re being all casual about it.

The key to your anxiety is physical intimacy. It doesn’t matter what form it takes. Whether it’s cuddling or casual sex, physical intimacy is a trigger for you, and you need to be aware of that if you’re going to engage in intimate behavior.

A big part of this has to do with your history of sexual abuse. (You submit questions through the tumblr ask box, which isn’t anonymous.) I’ve answered one of your questions before, and it would be ridiculous not to acknowledge the fact that your past sexual trauma is directly linked to your current post hook-up anxiety.

In fact, the rush of feelings and panic you describe is something known as hyperarousal, and it’s a textbook PTSD symptom for a rape survivor. Don’t let that bum you out. It’s actually good news, because you can treat that shit. Recovery takes time, but you really can get better.

Also, what you’re experiencing now is a helluva lot better than “feeling hollow.” You don’t want any of that shit. Feeling hollow is a form of dissociation, and it’s a very unhealthy coping mechanism. Of course, the hyperarousal sucks too, but that’s just a physiological response you will eventually learn how to control.

Remember, this is you healing. All of this stuff you’re going through is perfectly normal, and it’s not gonna fuck you up forever.

You’ll get there.

Do you have any opinions on the whole situation with Justin Bieber and the prostitute? I know basically nothing about the culture or norms surrounding sex work, but I feel like it was maybe a little rude of her to reveal she slept with him? I dunno, I feel like confidentiality would be kinda important.

1. Not sure if she’s a prostitute.

2. Not sure if she’s the one who made the video public.

3. Not even sure if she and the Biebs exchanged any bodily fluids.

Honestly, the clip looks like some Brazilian hoochie got lost on her way to the bathroom, found the kid taking a party nap, and decided to blow him a kiss in a tacky-as-fuck video selfie.

The only thing more pathetic than her instinct to memorialize the occasion is the fact that it’s been viewed over eleven million times on YouTube.

Quite frankly, you should be ashamed of yourself for even asking me a question this stupid. As penance, you must now go memorize the names and accomplishments of this year’s Nobel Prize winners.

Yes. All of them.

“I’ll look a parent right in the eye and tell them to shut their fucking kids up. Then again, I’m an asshole.”

This hit the nerve for me. I have a two year old who is starting to talk and scream NOOOOOO out of no apparent reason. We are at a point where we don’t go to the restaurants but rather order food to go and eat at home. If you tell me to shut my fucking kid up, how am I supposed to control an excited talkative 2 year old. I do distract him into something else and sometimes that works. But are you saying this coz its easier for you to say this coz you don’t have any kids??

The first time your kid screams “NOOOOOO,” I will take notice of your kid.

The second time your kid screams “NOOOOOO,” I will take notice of you.

The third time your kid screams “NOOOOOO,” I will take notice of how you are responding to your kid in an environment where that kind of behavior is obviously not okay.

The fourth time your kid screams “NOOOOOO,” I will make eye contact with you, indicating that however you are responding to your kid, that shit ain’t working, and would you please handle the situation.

The fifth time your kid screams “NOOOOOO,” it will have become obvious not just to me, but to everyone else in the vicinity, that not only are you incapable of handling the situation, but you also don’t give a fuck that your kid is on everyone else’s nerves.

The sixth time your kid screams “NOOOOOO,” I will bite my fucking tongue.

The seventh time your kid screams “NOOOOOO,” my patience will reach its natural limits, and I will walk up to you, look you right in the eye, and tell you to shut your fucking kid up.

Does that make me an asshole? Sure, but honesty, after all that, I think maybe you’re a bigger one.

My friend thinks you come from money. I say you’ve worked and hustled your way up the ranks. Who’s right?

I did not come from money, but through a combination of scholarships and just plain faking it, I grew up around people who did. I know what money looks like. I know how it talks. Most importantly, I know how money protects itself and those who have it at the expense of everyone else.

I’ve worked and hustled since I was a teenager. I moved to LA by myself, and made my own way here. I’ve been lucky a few times, and I’ve had my ass kicked a few times. I’ve been broke as fuck more often than I’ve been comfortable.

Hopefully I’ll always be able to earn a decent living (fingers crossed), but I know that I will never be wealthy. I’ve deliberately chosen not to marry it, I don’t have the capitalist instincts to build it, and I’m not one of the genetic lottery winners who’ll get to inherit it. That’s fine. I’ve spent enough time in the presence of wealth to know that I don’t need it.

There was I time during my adolescence when all I wanted was to be rich. As an adult, I know better. Hell, I’d probably be dead by now if I had grown up a rich kid. Looking back, I’m actually thankful that I don’t come from money. It’s just too much of a corrosive influence, and as strong as I am, I don’t think money would bring out the best in me.

Step one in quitting my shame: I’ll indulge everyone. I enjoy dressing up like a (human) cartoon character.

Correction: there are a bunch of bored Japanese doing it somewhere on the internet at this very moment.

Also, good for you. That’s actually pretty adorable.

I’m into some weird niche shit that’s kind of really embarrassing. It’s not particularly disgusting or harmful but a bit of an irreverent and disturbingly particular fetish. My boyfriend knows about it and has even participated in it with me (and enjoyed it) but I don’t push the envelope because I get the impression he’s just not that into it and is patiently waiting for me to stop wanting it or something. I enjoy all of the other things we do in the bedroom immensely so I can’t understand why this is bumming me out so much. Thoughts?

What’s your kink, you silly freak? This is all anonymous. The least you could have done is entertained us with your fetish.

I’m sure the reason you’re so bummed out is tied to the fact that you’re too embarrassed to even type it out.

Quit being ashamed. That’s a wasted emotion when it comes to sex, because I assure you, whatever dark and sticky shit you’re into, there are a bunch of bored Germans doing it somewhere on the internet at this very moment.

I usually agree with you on your relationship advice, and I’m a longtime fan, but I’ve never written in asking for advice before. My boyfriend likes you, too, so we decided it would be a good idea to ask your opinion about our argument.

So here’s the argument: my boyfriend came here for the weekend and he knew his friends would have a party while he was gone. He locked his room, but he was pretty sure his friends would break in and sleep/fuck on his bed even though he made it clear that that’s not what he wanted, so he put some items on the bed to see if they’d get thrown off and took the pillows off his bed because he didn’t want anybody who broke in to be comfortable.

I said that that behavior concerned me because it seemed immature and petty. He said that it was the only way to see if they slept there or not so he could address the problem directly with his friends (which he did, upon finding out that they broke in). I understand why he did it, but I am still concerned that that’s the way he handles his relationships. He understands why I’m concerned but still thinks that his behavior was justified.

Thoughts?

Your boyfriend’s behavior was obviously justified, and I wouldn’t call it immature so much as it was a reaction to immaturity.

His friends are a bunch of dicks. He knew they wouldn’t respect his boundaries (which he clearly established), so in order to enforce those boundaries, he had to set an integrity trap that he could later use as evidence to prove that his friends were, in fact, a bunch of dicks.

Honestly, I don’t understand why this is a source of conflict between the two of you. There’s nothing inherently immature or petty about having to use an integrity trap in a situation like this. It seems to me like your boyfriend was just planning ahead for the inevitable violation.

The underlying problem (and the shit that’s gonna get old really fast) is the fact that your boyfriend hangs out with a bunch of dicks. That level of disrespect from people he calls friends is a serious red flag.

I sure as fuck wouldn’t tolerate it.