I have a close friend who has been in the same relationship for most of her young life (we’re in college). She frequently talks about marrying her boyfriend after we graduate, and has pictures of them together plastered all over her room (she jokingly calls it “a shrine” to him, but that’s pretty close to the truth).

However, she frequently cheats on him. I have read what you have to say about monogamy and fidelity, and I agree, but in this case there is no communication between my friend and her boyfriend. She rarely tells him about these hook-ups (and if she does it’s a considerably tamer version that the real story), and would throw a fit if he ever did the same. I think, and she’s admitted, that these hookups are really self-esteem boosts for her, and don’t mean much of anything. But she does get jealous when she hears about the men she’s slept with sleeping with other people.

I have a huge problem with what she’s doing, but I’ve never had the balls to tell her. I think she needs tell him everything, and have a mutual understanding in the relationship about casual sex. Or just be single for a while. However, I usually just listen to her stories and say nothing. Do I have any place in this situation to say anything? Or should I just keep my mouth shut?

She’s acting like an immature cunt, but it’s not your place to butt into their relationship.

On the other hand, you sure as hell don’t have to sit there and listen to her stories. She tells you in part to seek your tacit approval for the infidelity, and when you don’t call her out, it eases a bit of whatever guilt she might be feeling. Don’t give her the satisfaction.

Tell her that you don’t want to hear it. Tell her that you don’t respect her infidelity, and that you’ve lost trust in her as a friend after seeing the way she disrespects her boyfriend. When she tells you it’s different, tell her no, it’s not.

She’s a cheater. A petty, jealous cheater. It’s not acceptable behavior and you have a huge problem with it. Tell her.

Don’t get involved, but let her know how you feel.

Me and my girlfriend of almost three years broke up. Our first year together was the happiest year of my life. I confessed I was bi six months into the relationship and she was okay with it. We moved in together. We were madly in love, we probably had less than three arguments at the time, and then her mom died.

It broke her heart. I stayed with her through thick and thin and did everything I could to improve her quality of life. 21 is too young to lose a mother.

Her death started a chain reaction. We began having problems. She was an emotional wreck and couldn’t help but take things out on me. I still loved her to death but started to regret moving in with her and feeling trapped in a room of mourning. She graduated college a year before me, and she moved 500 miles away where she was originally from. Her dad needed her more than I did. I felt smothered from the whole situation and we prematurely broke up.

That didn’t last long. WIthin a month we were back together. We still loved each other but things were different. Long distance is terrible when your girlfriends mourning, you’re a full time student without the funds for a plane ticket, and you don’t have a reliable car. I am a film maker and the only time to film are the weekends. Weekends she did visit became stressful. I was being forced to choose her over a dozen friends. Somewhere along the line she encouraged me to explore men, but when I did it backfired on me. Hooked up with a dude she helped me pick up. Somehow she was surprised by the outcome and it fucked up the relationship up more.

We’ve been doing the long distance thing for a year and a half. The past six months we’ve probably broken up and gotten back together three times, but this time we seem to be dead serious. We need a break from each other. We need to work on our own happiness before we can make each other happy.

I would be okay with it except for one thing. One of her co-workers clams he is in love with her. They started out as gym partners and I fully trusted her. She said he had a girlfriend/baby mama. He did but it ended. The last couple months we were together he was fully trying to move in on her. She clams she never had feelings for him, denies he has anything to do with us breaking up this time, yet they are now dating less than a month later. She called me in tears about a week ago to tell me she made out with him and she “can’t do this anymore.” I suspect he made her make the call. After having a meaningful ten minute conversation about it, I realized dude was with her listening to everything. She says she is starting to like him. Everyone else I know that has met him claims he’s a douche, including her 3 siblings. I am close to one of her sisters and she wont even hang out with her when he’s there.

She says she still loves me, but things are different.

I still love her.

She is the most real and good person I have ever met.

I told her one day I would come back for her. I’ve asked her if it would be a mistake to someday day move to her area. She won’t deny or confirm.

Do I move on? Am I fucked? Could we ever be as happy together as we once were? What’s your opinion? I have a hunch what your response might sound like, but I’ve began following your blog religiously. Hearing your opinion might help me out. You’re fucking awesome.

You know damn well it’s time to move on.

Not only is she five hundred miles away, but it sounds like she’s gearing up for a douchebag phase. This is neither your fault nor your problem, and there is nothing you can do (or should do) to stop, fix, or otherwise interfere with it.

Sever ties with her for a while. That way, you won’t lose respect for her when she starts making a series of bad decisions, and you won’t fuck up and try to rescue her when her relationships turn to shit.

You had a good run. Three years in your early twenties is solid, but it’s time to box up the relationship and stick it in the attic. The alternative is ugly and considerably more painful.

It’s better that you think of each other with love, remember your time together fondly, and simply move on.

Good luck with whatever’s next!

I’m not the serious relationship type of girl and I am more than satisfied with the variety of random hook ups and friends with benefits that keep me entertained. I had two friends with benefits going on, and one of them fell for me and asked me to be his girlfriend this weekend. I said yes, with a “why not?” kind of mentality, but only two days later I find myself bored and missing other friends with benefits guy so much- for both the physical aspects and his personality. The boyfriend in the equation is such an average guy and i don’t feel stimulated at all. Go with my gut, back out, and break his heart? or stick around for a bit to see if anything changes?

Go with your gut. It doesn’t sound like you’re ready to be exclusive.

If your friends with benefits know about one another, you might be able to sell them on a time share situation wherein your shiny new boyfriend gets priority status.

Simply tell the new boyfriend that you’re not ready to give up your other friend with benefits, and that while he is number one, you still want to see them both.

When faced with the choice of either sharing you or losing you entirely, he might be willing to bend. Let him know he would get the same privileges.

If he goes for it, congratulations. Your pimp hand is strong, and you’ve got a new bottom bitch. If not, end it. You aren’t ready for anything serious, and it’s not fair to lead him on.

Is an online relationship ever okay?

Sure. For a couple weeks. Then you have to get on the phone and set up a time to meet in person.

A romantic relationship can start online. The longer it stays there, the creepier it is.

I like reading your shit, because you have a different view on things then well, everyone I know. I’ve deduced that you’re around my mom’s age, and I think you and her share some ideals but somehow coming from you it’s just better. Anyway, I’m just 18 and in college. I (unlike my mom,) have a lot of trouble talking to people. I get all these thoughts and want to say them but then I swallow it and walk away. Problem is, I don’t make any friends (other then like bullshitting buddies who talk to me first) in college and well, it’s preventing me from getting laid. I want to get laid. I like girls too, but man, I just really want to fuck a dude. How do I get past this ‘shy’ stupidity and talk to strangers?

Your mom’s age? Fuck you. You’re either bad at math or your mom was a preteen whore.

As for your problem, I can’t tell for sure whether you’re a guy or a girl, so I don’t know what to say. Either way, take solace in the fact that you’re in college, which means you’re surrounded by shy and confused bisexuals who just want to get laid.

You’re not alone. Remember that.

Don’t be creepy, and just go fucking talk to people.

I’m a high schooler with a bit of of a reputation around the block. I try to keep it on the low, because I’m also one of the girls who whips out her copy of the Constitution for quizzing the teacher (I know, everyone hates that girl) and I really only go for guys who I can talk to about P.G. Wodehouse.

An acquaintance of mine who, although is not very pretty, has had a couple of boyfriends, mostly long distance or other schools. She is also extremely naive and doesn’t understand much about the sexual process. A couple of days ago, she asked me to teach her how to give “head and hand”. We’re not friends (she’s incredibly annoying) but I see her almost every day. I don’t know if this is something I should be teaching her or if I should help out a girl in need. What do you think I should do?

What the fuck?

First of all, a high school girl who only goes for guys that can talk P.G. Wodehouse is essentially branding herself a fag hag without the usual mess of befriending the musical theater crowd. I suppose having a butler fetish is a step up from every other retarded teenager’s vampire fetish, but please don’t go name-dropping authors around people with actual degrees in literature.

Second of all — and I can’t believe I’m saying this — put down the British novels and pick up this month’s Cosmo. That is your punishment for referring to “the sexual process.” We get it. You’re the smart girl. That’s no excuse for being creepy.

Finally, when someone who isn’t your friend and who you find incredibly annoying asks for inappropriate sexual favors, what do we say? That’s right. We tell them to fuck off.

I’m ten months into a relationship with a great boyfriend- he is non-judgmental, generous in bed, attentive but not needy, nice to my friends, polite to my family, etc. We’ve been doing long distance for about five months because we go to schools a few hours away from one another (so more of a long drive than long distance). Lately I’ve been really stressed and find myself annoyed with him all the time, for shit that wouldn’t annoy me if someone else was doing it. I avoid him on the phone and don’t want to have sex. I have a history of depression and can feel that I am on the edge of sliding into an episode lately, and I don’t know if my relationship is adding to my level of mental strain. I feel like my boyfriend is an obligation rather than a person I want to see and spend time with, and I feel guilty because he is so effortlessly and happily in love with me and I frequently feel like I want to scream at him when he hasn’t done anything to deserve it. I don’t know what I should do- part of me thinks when the stress of school lets up I’ll be more receptive to being in a relationship, but another part thinks I should just cut ties and focus on managing my mental health. He knows all about what’s going on in my head right now and wants to be there to support me, but that just makes me feel guilty because I feel like such a bitch all the time. So I put the question to you: would you break up with him or suck it up and try to be a girlfriend who isn’t such a bitch?

Break up with him. For your sake and for his.

Stop thinking you have some obligation to be in a relationship, much less a half-assed long distance one. You’re a fucking mess. Let him off the hook.

I’ve been dating a guy for over a year and a half and we’ve really fallen in love with each other. I’m only 19 and we’re already talking about spending the rest of our lives together. He is all I could ever want in a partner, he’s ambitious, successful, 23, and we have great sex. I really can’t imagine ever breaking up with him but I feel like I’m settling too quickly. What should I do?

Settling down is not the same thing as settling. Then again, you’re nineteen. How would you know the difference?

Just chill the fuck out and enjoy yourself. Whatever you do, don’t get married. If you’re still with him in 2015, feel free to go ring shopping. Odd are, you won’t be.

I don’t mean to sound harsh, but you describe this relationship with all the depth and warmth of a resume. I’m sure he’s a nice guy and all, but if the best you can come up with after a year and a half are words like “ambitious” and “successful,” it’s not a good sign.

It makes me think that either you’re not as in to him as you think you are, or you’ve still got quite a bit of living to do before you have an original thought when it comes to love.

In either case, don’t ignore that little itch you’ve got to explore, because it isn’t going to go away. Recognize that when you say things like “I really can’t imagine ever breaking up with him,” what you’re really saying is “I imagine it all the time, but I don’t want to acknowledge that I do because I’m scared of what it might mean.”

I’m not suggesting that you hit the panic button and break up. If it’s good today, run with it. Just don’t treat it like the end of the world when the inevitable happens.

I’ve found my definition of “that guy.” He’s an explosive combination of all the things I wanted plus everything I never realized I needed — or at least never wanted to admit I needed. He chokes me when we fuck and buys me Diet Lemon Snapple because he knows it’s that, plus a morning key bump, that give me my extra burst. He calls me out on my shit and is almost as fucking intelligent as I am – but half as an immodest bitch about it. His New Era hats make me all slippery and he likes naps. He’d never call me by my first name and appreciates an ivory Mont Blanc.

I know it seems like all glitter and unicorn shit but there’s a catch – as there always is. This guy lives 535 miles away. 8 hours by car or an hour and a half by plane, take your pick. We’ve discussed dating and both agreed that if we were closer, we would in a heartbeat. I know long distance relationships are always risky, but my life is practically one big poor life choice and I don’t give a fuck anymore. I’ve never been around a guy I didn’t have to lie to – or fake an orgasm with – and I can’t imagine letting this one go. I’ve never given a second thought about most guys, and I don’t open up to anyone. PERIOD. Thanks to all the above, and so much more, this one’s got me willing to fly out every weekend just to make it work.

So my question for you is: what do I do? He always jokes with me that he’s “old and burnt out” – ie. a 31 year old Hatebreed listening, blow for brunch, complete and total sweetheart that no one would ever label correctly on first glance. He wants a crazy, dirty girl that’s as sweet as he is, to be normal with. Since his definition of normal is watching Ghostworld, playing “Guess the graphic designer,” doing lines off my collarbone and going to bed by 11:30, he and I both know I’m the one for him. The only thing that’s stopping us is the distance. He has a job he totally digs and I couldn’t relocate mine, which I love as well, for a year and a half, so that issue really can’t change right now. I’m legitimately terrified that he’ll find someone else, someone closer, that he can create this life with that we both want so much. I know not being able to see – and fuck – each other whenever we want will be a lot to deal with. He says people like me always get bored and move on, but I’m not bullshitting you when I say I seriously can’t see that happening. I really want this person in my life for a long time. Not that I’m saying he needs to put a ring on it or anything, but I think you know what I mean.

Not to offend you, but I see a lot of myself in you, or vice versa, so I thought you’d be the best person to ask. I do a shitty job at asking for help, and thus rarely ever do, so the “Be Vulnerable” button I’m about to push will really prove to be true right now.

Fuck. I know exactly what you mean. I’m pretty much in an identical situation, minus the Hatebreed and Ghostworld.

Despite your taste in media, I get that you’re intelligent and thoughtful. You’ve been around the block and you know a good thing when you’ve got it. So now comes the tough decision. Are you willing to put in eighteen months of long distance routine? If so, get a frequent flyer card and keep a carry-on in the ready position. Spend one or two weekends a month taking turns coming to see each other.

I’m speaking from experience. It’s extra effort, but it can be pretty great. The relationship stays fresh longer, and the time that you do spend together is more intense. Plus, if you’re career-minded, it can actually improve your focus by compartmentalizing work time and play time.

The hard part for most folks is adjusting your definition of fidelity. I recommend allowing each other to engage in harmless flirtation and meaningless sex while away from one another. I know it seems counterintuitive, but I promise it works.

I’ve already written about long distance relationships and how monogamy and fidelity aren’t the same thing. It’s not for everybody, but you strike me as the type who could handle it, and if you’re strong enough, it does wonders for a long distance relationship.

First of all, he’ll think you’re the coolest chick in the world for being so open. More importantly, he won’t feel trapped. Nine times out of ten, all a guy needs to feel is that he can go get some strange. Even if he does, it’s no big deal. After all, where’s he going to find another girl as cool as you?

Trust me. This is how you plant your flag without putting a leash on him.