I’m not the serious relationship type of girl and I am more than satisfied with the variety of random hook ups and friends with benefits that keep me entertained. I had two friends with benefits going on, and one of them fell for me and asked me to be his girlfriend this weekend. I said yes, with a “why not?” kind of mentality, but only two days later I find myself bored and missing other friends with benefits guy so much- for both the physical aspects and his personality. The boyfriend in the equation is such an average guy and i don’t feel stimulated at all. Go with my gut, back out, and break his heart? or stick around for a bit to see if anything changes?

Go with your gut. It doesn’t sound like you’re ready to be exclusive.

If your friends with benefits know about one another, you might be able to sell them on a time share situation wherein your shiny new boyfriend gets priority status.

Simply tell the new boyfriend that you’re not ready to give up your other friend with benefits, and that while he is number one, you still want to see them both.

When faced with the choice of either sharing you or losing you entirely, he might be willing to bend. Let him know he would get the same privileges.

If he goes for it, congratulations. Your pimp hand is strong, and you’ve got a new bottom bitch. If not, end it. You aren’t ready for anything serious, and it’s not fair to lead him on.

Is an online relationship ever okay?

Sure. For a couple weeks. Then you have to get on the phone and set up a time to meet in person.

A romantic relationship can start online. The longer it stays there, the creepier it is.

I like reading your shit, because you have a different view on things then well, everyone I know. I’ve deduced that you’re around my mom’s age, and I think you and her share some ideals but somehow coming from you it’s just better. Anyway, I’m just 18 and in college. I (unlike my mom,) have a lot of trouble talking to people. I get all these thoughts and want to say them but then I swallow it and walk away. Problem is, I don’t make any friends (other then like bullshitting buddies who talk to me first) in college and well, it’s preventing me from getting laid. I want to get laid. I like girls too, but man, I just really want to fuck a dude. How do I get past this ‘shy’ stupidity and talk to strangers?

Your mom’s age? Fuck you. You’re either bad at math or your mom was a preteen whore.

As for your problem, I can’t tell for sure whether you’re a guy or a girl, so I don’t know what to say. Either way, take solace in the fact that you’re in college, which means you’re surrounded by shy and confused bisexuals who just want to get laid.

You’re not alone. Remember that.

Don’t be creepy, and just go fucking talk to people.

I’m a high schooler with a bit of of a reputation around the block. I try to keep it on the low, because I’m also one of the girls who whips out her copy of the Constitution for quizzing the teacher (I know, everyone hates that girl) and I really only go for guys who I can talk to about P.G. Wodehouse.

An acquaintance of mine who, although is not very pretty, has had a couple of boyfriends, mostly long distance or other schools. She is also extremely naive and doesn’t understand much about the sexual process. A couple of days ago, she asked me to teach her how to give “head and hand”. We’re not friends (she’s incredibly annoying) but I see her almost every day. I don’t know if this is something I should be teaching her or if I should help out a girl in need. What do you think I should do?

What the fuck?

First of all, a high school girl who only goes for guys that can talk P.G. Wodehouse is essentially branding herself a fag hag without the usual mess of befriending the musical theater crowd. I suppose having a butler fetish is a step up from every other retarded teenager’s vampire fetish, but please don’t go name-dropping authors around people with actual degrees in literature.

Second of all — and I can’t believe I’m saying this — put down the British novels and pick up this month’s Cosmo. That is your punishment for referring to “the sexual process.” We get it. You’re the smart girl. That’s no excuse for being creepy.

Finally, when someone who isn’t your friend and who you find incredibly annoying asks for inappropriate sexual favors, what do we say? That’s right. We tell them to fuck off.

I’m ten months into a relationship with a great boyfriend- he is non-judgmental, generous in bed, attentive but not needy, nice to my friends, polite to my family, etc. We’ve been doing long distance for about five months because we go to schools a few hours away from one another (so more of a long drive than long distance). Lately I’ve been really stressed and find myself annoyed with him all the time, for shit that wouldn’t annoy me if someone else was doing it. I avoid him on the phone and don’t want to have sex. I have a history of depression and can feel that I am on the edge of sliding into an episode lately, and I don’t know if my relationship is adding to my level of mental strain. I feel like my boyfriend is an obligation rather than a person I want to see and spend time with, and I feel guilty because he is so effortlessly and happily in love with me and I frequently feel like I want to scream at him when he hasn’t done anything to deserve it. I don’t know what I should do- part of me thinks when the stress of school lets up I’ll be more receptive to being in a relationship, but another part thinks I should just cut ties and focus on managing my mental health. He knows all about what’s going on in my head right now and wants to be there to support me, but that just makes me feel guilty because I feel like such a bitch all the time. So I put the question to you: would you break up with him or suck it up and try to be a girlfriend who isn’t such a bitch?

Break up with him. For your sake and for his.

Stop thinking you have some obligation to be in a relationship, much less a half-assed long distance one. You’re a fucking mess. Let him off the hook.

I’ve been dating a guy for over a year and a half and we’ve really fallen in love with each other. I’m only 19 and we’re already talking about spending the rest of our lives together. He is all I could ever want in a partner, he’s ambitious, successful, 23, and we have great sex. I really can’t imagine ever breaking up with him but I feel like I’m settling too quickly. What should I do?

Settling down is not the same thing as settling. Then again, you’re nineteen. How would you know the difference?

Just chill the fuck out and enjoy yourself. Whatever you do, don’t get married. If you’re still with him in 2015, feel free to go ring shopping. Odd are, you won’t be.

I don’t mean to sound harsh, but you describe this relationship with all the depth and warmth of a resume. I’m sure he’s a nice guy and all, but if the best you can come up with after a year and a half are words like “ambitious” and “successful,” it’s not a good sign.

It makes me think that either you’re not as in to him as you think you are, or you’ve still got quite a bit of living to do before you have an original thought when it comes to love.

In either case, don’t ignore that little itch you’ve got to explore, because it isn’t going to go away. Recognize that when you say things like “I really can’t imagine ever breaking up with him,” what you’re really saying is “I imagine it all the time, but I don’t want to acknowledge that I do because I’m scared of what it might mean.”

I’m not suggesting that you hit the panic button and break up. If it’s good today, run with it. Just don’t treat it like the end of the world when the inevitable happens.

I’ve found my definition of “that guy.” He’s an explosive combination of all the things I wanted plus everything I never realized I needed — or at least never wanted to admit I needed. He chokes me when we fuck and buys me Diet Lemon Snapple because he knows it’s that, plus a morning key bump, that give me my extra burst. He calls me out on my shit and is almost as fucking intelligent as I am – but half as an immodest bitch about it. His New Era hats make me all slippery and he likes naps. He’d never call me by my first name and appreciates an ivory Mont Blanc.

I know it seems like all glitter and unicorn shit but there’s a catch – as there always is. This guy lives 535 miles away. 8 hours by car or an hour and a half by plane, take your pick. We’ve discussed dating and both agreed that if we were closer, we would in a heartbeat. I know long distance relationships are always risky, but my life is practically one big poor life choice and I don’t give a fuck anymore. I’ve never been around a guy I didn’t have to lie to – or fake an orgasm with – and I can’t imagine letting this one go. I’ve never given a second thought about most guys, and I don’t open up to anyone. PERIOD. Thanks to all the above, and so much more, this one’s got me willing to fly out every weekend just to make it work.

So my question for you is: what do I do? He always jokes with me that he’s “old and burnt out” – ie. a 31 year old Hatebreed listening, blow for brunch, complete and total sweetheart that no one would ever label correctly on first glance. He wants a crazy, dirty girl that’s as sweet as he is, to be normal with. Since his definition of normal is watching Ghostworld, playing “Guess the graphic designer,” doing lines off my collarbone and going to bed by 11:30, he and I both know I’m the one for him. The only thing that’s stopping us is the distance. He has a job he totally digs and I couldn’t relocate mine, which I love as well, for a year and a half, so that issue really can’t change right now. I’m legitimately terrified that he’ll find someone else, someone closer, that he can create this life with that we both want so much. I know not being able to see – and fuck – each other whenever we want will be a lot to deal with. He says people like me always get bored and move on, but I’m not bullshitting you when I say I seriously can’t see that happening. I really want this person in my life for a long time. Not that I’m saying he needs to put a ring on it or anything, but I think you know what I mean.

Not to offend you, but I see a lot of myself in you, or vice versa, so I thought you’d be the best person to ask. I do a shitty job at asking for help, and thus rarely ever do, so the “Be Vulnerable” button I’m about to push will really prove to be true right now.

Fuck. I know exactly what you mean. I’m pretty much in an identical situation, minus the Hatebreed and Ghostworld.

Despite your taste in media, I get that you’re intelligent and thoughtful. You’ve been around the block and you know a good thing when you’ve got it. So now comes the tough decision. Are you willing to put in eighteen months of long distance routine? If so, get a frequent flyer card and keep a carry-on in the ready position. Spend one or two weekends a month taking turns coming to see each other.

I’m speaking from experience. It’s extra effort, but it can be pretty great. The relationship stays fresh longer, and the time that you do spend together is more intense. Plus, if you’re career-minded, it can actually improve your focus by compartmentalizing work time and play time.

The hard part for most folks is adjusting your definition of fidelity. I recommend allowing each other to engage in harmless flirtation and meaningless sex while away from one another. I know it seems counterintuitive, but I promise it works.

I’ve already written about long distance relationships and how monogamy and fidelity aren’t the same thing. It’s not for everybody, but you strike me as the type who could handle it, and if you’re strong enough, it does wonders for a long distance relationship.

First of all, he’ll think you’re the coolest chick in the world for being so open. More importantly, he won’t feel trapped. Nine times out of ten, all a guy needs to feel is that he can go get some strange. Even if he does, it’s no big deal. After all, where’s he going to find another girl as cool as you?

Trust me. This is how you plant your flag without putting a leash on him.

My dad just died after a particularly vicious battle with cancer. While I appreciate people’s condolences, I’m just sick of them. I’m sick of everyone I see bringing it up and asking me how I am. The truth is, I feel like shit. I watched my dad’s body rot for 3 years of my teenage life, and it wasn’t a picnic. I feel like everyone expects me to just be okay with it now, even though it’s only been a month. I guess my question is, how do I make people stop talking about it? Currently my solution is to be a raging bitch every time people ask inappropriate questions or try to hug me, but I’m not certain that it’s the best method. I just want to be left alone to mourn in peace. So how do I civilly let people know to shut the fuck up?

Just dial it back from raging bitch to stone cold rude.

Enforce your emotional space just like you enforce your physical space. If someone brings up your dad’s death, simply look them in the eye and say “I’d rather not talk about it.”

Be firm. Be rude. This is one of those times where it’s completely appropriate to end the conversation abruptly. People will understand being cut off.

If someone insists on pressing the issue, leave the room. Don’t make a scene. Don’t be a raging bitch. Just excuse yourself. You don’t owe them an explanation, after all they’re the one’s violating your emotional space.

Who is the woman that is your icon for Dear Coke Talk? I’m so curious.

That is Miss Dolly Parton, O.G. diva bad-ass and living legend. She’s my icon in every sense of the word. They call her the iron butterfly, and women like Oprah and Martha Stewart learned everything they know about building a media empire from Dolly. At my fantasy dinner party, she sits next to Debbie Harry.

The photo is from the movie Straight Talk, a silly little comedy-of-errors in which she is mistakenly hired as a radio talk show psychologist who gives homespun advice to callers.

Now you get it?