I’m worried that my existence causes more harm than good.
Fuck you. Your existence isn’t significant enough to cause either harm or good. Quit worrying about your own dumb ass and just go treat people with kindness.

Can you have sexual fantasies about your platonic friends?
Of course you can.

Is it immoral to be paid to write essays for lazy college students?
If you’re helping students cheat, then it’s unethical from an institutional perspective, but if you’re not also a student, do you really give a shit about the school’s ethics? As for a moral judgement, I’d need more context. If “lazy” is the most I have to go on, then “probably” is the best answer I can give you.

I don’t steal or cheat because I understand why they’re wrong, even though when I have in the past I’ve never felt guilty, but why is lying bad?
It’s not that lying is “bad.” It’s that integrity and credibility are virtues, and lying (or any type of willful deception) puts you in a position to lose both. If people can’t trust you, then you are well and truly fucked.

I’m in my first year of working toward a phD in neuroscience. I want to supplement the neuroscience with courses that will help to give it context and meaning. What would you recommend? Philosophy?
Philosophy is great, but intro classes aren’t going to add context to a neuroscience PhD. Bridge the gap with cognitive science classes — philosophy of mind, cognitive psychology, neurolinguistics — cool shit like that.

Nerve.com is almost entirely click-bait. It’s cultural garbage. You’re very critical of other people’s creative output, maybe you should look a little closer to home.
Thanks for the input, Reverend Snooty McSmarmypants. In case you hadn’t noticed, a hot pile of cultural garbage is my signature fucking dish, and the good folks at Nerve pay me well and on time to write whatever the fuck I want. Go ahead, ask your nearest literary professional. It really doesn’t get much better than that.

I read “On Panicking.” Somebody’s been watching too much True Detective. Don’t let thin Matthew McConaughey suck you in girl. There be monsters.
Ha! Please. I’ve been saying this shit for half a damn decade. I love how you heard a few well-written lines of nihilistic dialog, and suddenly I’m the one watching too much TV.

Are you @dearcoquette on Instagram? Doesn’t seem like you. I call impostor, for various reasons, but especially since that user just started following me and I post a bajillion pictures of my 7 month old child. Doesn’t seem like your gig… Or is it?
Nope, it’s not me. Whoever it is seems to be a fan, but I can’t tell whether it’s creepy or a compliment. (For the record, I don’t use Instagram or Facebook.)

You told some chick a while back that if she married her fiancé despite his history of cheating on her, he would do it again (even if several years had passed). How can you be so sure?
Human. Fucking. Nature.

My boyfriend writes off everything I say under the guise that “I read too many books.” I can’t tell if I’m being a pretentious douchebag or if he’s just a little insecure. Who’s to blame?
He’s to blame for his ignorance and disrespect. You’re to blame for your shitty choice in boyfriends.

I’m in a new relationship but I can’t stop thinking about that crazy bitch-ex who broke my heart. I can’t seem to give this new relationship the full monty. It’s fucking everything up. What do I do?
Stop referring to your ex as a crazy bitch, and quit feeling sorry for yourself. Take responsibility for your lame bullshit. A broken heart is one thing, but this sounds like a bruised ego.

Where’s the best Mexican food in LA?
My personal favorites are El Compadre on Sunset for the basics and Rivera Downtown for the fancy stuff. (I know this question is polarizing for the locals. Feel free to leave your favorites in the comments section.)

Why do you keep trying to give us answers? You know better than anyone that there are none.
Yeah, but at least there’s Mexican food.

How do you stay motivated to do anything at all, and not just walk around filled with constant anxiety?
Xanax and new shoes.

I think I’m falling in love for the first time and I just wanted to tell somebody.
I envy you and pity you at the same time. Best of luck, and thanks for sharing.

Please introduce me to a new sex position.
Try the one where you make sober, unflinching eye contact with your partner while sharing a deep emotional connection.

Jesus christ, what happened to you today.
Nothing.

Why am I so bored of getting out of bed, taking showers, brushing my teeth, eating, socializing, music, television, internet and basically everything? Ugh.
Because that’s your list of basically everything.

Coquette, why I am so terribly afraid of the future?
Because you think it exists.

My dad isn’t willing to change his abusive and manipulative behaviors, so why does it scare me so much that he could die when we aren’t on speaking terms?
Because you still think your father’s behavior is a matter of will.

I love him. I’ve loved him for a long time now. I know that he loves me too… why aren’t we saying it out loud?!?!
Because you’re so desperate for it.

I just boned one of my guy friends that I’ve had a crush on for years. He’s also my boyfriend’s best friend. The sex sucked. Why am I still walking around with a huge smile on my face?
Because you’re an emotionally crippled chaos junkie.

Why does my live-in boyfriend masturbate in the shower when he could fuck a very real, willing human —me!— instead?
Because it’s not always about you.

Why does seeing a picture of my ex’s new girl pop up on social media make me feel nauseous?
Because you’re not over your ex.

Why do I feel intimidated by you?
Because you’re weak.

Why does everything seem so scary?
Because fear makes you a better consumer.

How would you differentiate between arrogance and narcissism?
Someone who is arrogant acts like they are the better person. Someone who is narcissistic acts like they are the only person.

Why is it that so many people are happy eating meat but act like dog fighting is the most evil thing imaginable?
Meat is delicious, and dog fighting is terribly cruel. Don’t act like you can’t recognize the difference between the humane slaughter of livestock for food and the barbaric torture of animals for sport.

What do you do when your closest friend doesn’t reach out when she knows you’re having a tough time? I’m out of sight, out of mind.
How tough a time could it be if what you’re really complaining about is a lack of attention? Quit whining and call your shitty friend. If she’s still not there for you, take the fucking hint and adjust who she is to you.

What do you think about True Detective?
Time really is a flat circle. Enjoy not knowing about the Yellow King for as long as possible.

Why, if I don’t believe in Christianity, do I still fear that there may be a chance that hell exists, and that I might go there when I die?
You’re just using a mythological framework that you learned during childhood to process some existential terror. Your fear isn’t really of hell. It’s of death.

Is it pointless to want the world/society/people to be better?
It’s not just pointless. It’s also vague, in a dangerously naive sort of way.

I’ve been thinking about this/confused for a while now. You seem like you’re a happy person, like you love yourself and life and all that, yet you’re so negative. How are you so happy even though you’re so negative? Or should I ask, how are you so negative even though you’re so happy?
I contain multitudes.

I know you’re against the death penalty – as am I. What are your thoughts on euthanasia?
Euthanasia would be my stripper name.

Are you a sociopath?
Nope. That word gets way too much play these days by people who don’t understand what it really means. There is a huge difference between a garden variety asshole and someone with antisocial personality disorder.

Do you think it’s wrong to lie on a grad school application. Not implausible lies, just little things to make you seem more qualified.
Don’t ask my permission to pad your resume. I’m not your fucking conscience. Make your own tough decisions about how full of shit you want to be in this world.

What would you define as an intrusive fantasy about a friend?
An intrusive fantasy is one that interferes with your relationships. Basically, it’s a fantasy so powerful or recurring that you can’t keep it in your head, and it causes you to behave in a way that has negative consequences.

Woody Allen is one thing. Please tell me you acknowledge that false sexual assault allegations exist and that some women use it as a weapon.
Why is it important to you that I acknowledge that? Is your male ego really so fragile that I need to validate your position? What are you even defending? Seriously, go sit in a corner and think about how pathetic it is that you felt the need to write in to me and argue on behalf of rape culture. Yep, that’s what you did. Shame on you.

Just out of interest, if there’s always a reason to condemn the country hosting the Olympics, what was Britain’s reason?
Really? You can’t find a reason to condemn a monarchical surveillance state with five centuries of brutal, racist imperialism under its belt?

All this shit about Diet Coke being bad for you is a load of crap, right?
Nah. Diet Coke is most definitely a slow poison, but so is the air in Los Angeles. It’s all going to kill you. Fuck it.

Have you ever been on a cruise ship? If so, did you enjoy it?
I have enjoyed being on yachts, but cruise ships seem like a special kind of hell.

You’re rant about Girls was so Jessa.
You get points for making me laugh.

What’s the difference between reasons and excuses?
Reasons establish causation. Excuses establish justification.

Do you think Woody did it?
Absolutely.

I can’t sleep unless I’m completely toasted. I know this probably means I’m an alcoholic. I think I’m admitting it for the first time right now. What in sweet hell do I do next?
You might be an alcoholic, but this also sounds like you’re self-medicating a mild but undiagnosed anxiety disorder. Go see a shrink.

What was your favorite Super Bowl commercial?
The Turbo Tax Year of the You ad. I think it really captures the profound sadness of middle-minded American mediocrity.

Why are people so shocked that I’m not mad or upset that my ex boyfriend is now gay?
Because they mistakenly assume you should take something like that personally.

How do I stop fantasizing about my friends? You know, without boning them.
Why do you feel the need to stop? It’s perfectly normal. As long as the fantasies aren’t intrusive, there’s nothing wrong with having them.

I’m a straight girl who likes lesbian porn. I’m in a fabulous relationship with my boyfriend and we have a fantastic sex and communicate about it regularly. Does the lesbian porn mean I’m bi? Need to experiment along with my boyfriend? Is this natural?
It’s perfectly natural. Feel free to experiment if it’s something you want to try, and don’t worry about labeling yourself.

I’m 35 and just broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years. Do you think I still have time to meet someone and have kids one day?
You can keep hoping for a storybook ending, but this is exactly why Aristotle favored a plausible impossibility over an implausible possibility.

Which Girls character would you be?
I’d be the HBO executive who cancels the show.

Is it always a bad idea to forgive a cheater?
No, it’s actually a good idea to forgive a cheater, but that doesn’t mean forget, and that sure as hell doesn’t mean give back your trust.

What do you think about Jennifer Lawrence? Role model or another Hollywood standard of perfection (even if she does love pizza)?
I’ve got no reason to throw shade on J-Law. She’s a perfectly decent generational replacement for Julia Roberts, but come on. Role model? Never, I repeat, NEVER look to movie stars as role models. Set your standards higher than beautiful idiots who play pretend for a living.

Why am I still so attracted to my rapist? He’s all I can think about when I masturbate.
You are not attracted to your rapist. You are merely having sexual thoughts about him. Don’t confuse those thoughts for an emotional connection. They’re just a coping mechanism that allows you to exert control in your mind. It’s all a part of your healing process.

How can I explain to someone the enormous difference between “black pride” and “white pride?”
Don’t bother. Instead, explain the concepts of cultural hegemony and systemic racism. Re-frame their world view until they see the difference for themselves. 

Where does one draw the line when considering a person’s mental illness (depression specifically) as an excuse for their horrid, uncomfortable and sometimes alienating behaviour?
Draw the line wherever you feel is necessary. Mental disorders may be the reason for certain behaviors, but they are not an excuse.

Is there anything you’ll admit to being hypocritical about?
Really? Your narcissism is so lazy that you can’t even bother hunting for your own reason to call me a hypocrite? Ugh. You’re the kind of asshole who would commit suicide by getting the cops to shoot you.

How do you develop a skin as thick as yours? I’m in awe.
I don’t have a thick skin. I just don’t take shit personally.

Do you feel weird fucking people less intelligent than you?
Not really, but then again, I don’t have much of a choice.

Why do I lose interest in guys after having sex with them?
You aren’t really interested in the guys. You’re just interested in the courtship ritual.

Don’t want to date him, but still feel shitty that he hasn’t contacted me since the night we slept together. Am I just lying to myself about not liking him?
Probably not. Don’t confuse a bruised ego for an emotional connection.

Can you ever be friends with your boss?
Sure you can, but never forget that in his role as your boss he is not your friend.

How can the decadence of the fashion industry square itself with the poverty around the world?
It can’t.

Why on earth did you tell that escort not to report the micropenis tax cheat guy? Screw whether he’s a racist, he’s a leech on society who should pay his share like everyone else.
You really think I’d tell an escort to snitch for the IRS? Hell no. Micropenis guy may be a racist and a tax cheat, but he doesn’t get to turn her into a rat.

How do you recognize toxic people who feed off drama before they become a part of your life?
Recognizing them is easy. It’s just that most people find it difficult to not be fascinated by their bullshit.

My boyfriend liked being called ‘daddy’ during sex with his exes, but I flat out refuse to do it because I think it’s creepy and infantilizes women. He says I’m being judgmental and close minded. What should I do?
Break up with him.

Do you ever answer these questions high?
Yep.

What’s your biggest dealbreaker in dating?
Stupid.

What do you eat?
My diet is an oxymoron best summed up through the idea of farm-to-table Doritos Locos Tacos.

What does it mean when a guy says that he doesn’t deserve you? Red flag?
Yeah. It’s a bullshit way of saying that he appreciates the things you do for him, but he’s not quite into you enough to commit to a relationship.

Do you think Leo will ever win the Oscar?
Of course he will.

Take the first thing you’re offered or wait until more comes along?
Don’t be so passive. Go get what you want.

Why are people so resentful of their bosses?
Because bosses are an immediate personification of capitalist oppression.

Is it appropriate to tell someone you want to start a relationship with them on/near Valentine’s Day?
Don’t be that person.

What kind of condoms should I keep on hand for backup?
Crown Skinless Skin Condoms

Why do I get jealous when my boyfriend goes out and has fun without me? It seems like a simple question but I can’t put my finger on the answer.
It is simple. You get jealous because you’re insecure in the relationship. You feel threatened by the fun he’s having without you because there’s a part of you that thinks he’ll suddenly realize that he’s bored with you. It’s a side-effect of your mild abandonment issues combined with garden variety immaturity. (You really need to let this shit go. It’s relationship poison.)

Last night, a guy friend of mine confessed his crush on me, and then told me I’m complicated but not in a good way. What does that mean?
It means he likes Zach Braff movies, and he hates the last couple of dudes you hooked up with.

What is the cure to narcissism?
Empathy.

What does intimate sex look like?
Intimate sex doesn’t look. It feels.

Why is this the time of year that old flames come out of the woodwork? And why is it never the ones you want to hear from?
It’s a byproduct of break-up season. (The ones you want to hear from didn’t recently get dumped.)

Have you turned so quickly on our girl, Jennifer Lawrence?
Not yet, but I have very little patience for false humility.

How do you say no to someone who continuously asks you out and refuses to stop, even upon request?
Tell the creep to fuck off. Be rude. Be loud. Embarrass him for disrespecting you, and when he acts all butthurt and calls you a bitch, don’t feel the least bit bad about it.

Coquette! If you could speak any 5 languages fluently, which would they be and why?
English (because I live in America), Spanish (because I live in Los Angeles), Arabic (because it’s a beautiful language), Mandarin (because I feel geo-politically obligated), and French (because Paris).

What do you do when you sorely miss a jerk you broke up with a few months ago?
Personally? I rebound date wildly inappropriate men until I’m filled with self-loathing and regret. I also tend to sublimate my frustration with exercise until I’m in really good shape. Do whatever you gotta do, babe, just don’t fall back into the jerk’s orbit.

What’s the difference between pride, ego and vanity?
Pride is an internal emotion. Ego is the source of that pride, while vanity is the external projection of it.

Hey, it’s the spontaneous Vegas weekender! Just wanted you to know it turned out amazing. I had a great time, and I’m so, so fucking glad I went. Thanks, Coquette.
Fuck yeah.