I’ve been dating a girl for 2 months and she wont put out. Help.
Help what? She doesn’t have to put out. You don’t have to date her.

Any advice for a good girl who wants to become a bad girl?
Uh, yeah. It’s pretty much all I do here. Start reading.

My first love is married. My first boyfriend is getting married this weekend. I’m 22. What the fuck.
Yeah, no shit. Call me when the girls from your experimental lesbian phase start having babies.

What if you’re wrong, dude?
I’m wrong all the time, dude.

Do you wear your own brand and then pimp it to people, describing it as if you’re just a fan?
Do you suck your own dick and then tell girls how big it is?

Best hangover cure, coketalk style?
Brunch and a bloody mary.

What decent outcome can a Sociology degree have?
A law school application.

If you’re with someone you don’t know too well do you use condoms for blowjobs?
What am I, a Vegas hooker? Fuck no.

When and how did you come out of your shell?
When I stopped giving a fuck in the 8th grade.

What’s the difference between objectifying and finding physically attractive?
Objectification degrades your humanity. Physical attraction, when healthy, celebrates it.

Stop teasing us. You know we’re all wondering where you got that fabulous watch!
Where I got it is my little secret, but if you want one, they’re available at the Coquette Boutique.

How do I find happiness in the present moment?
Smile. No, really. Smile.

Lambskin? What the fuck is wrong with you? Thought you had a moral compass, obviously thought wrong.
Yeah. I hope you never develop a latex allergy, bitch. Oh, and do you know what I had for lunch in your honor? A roast lamb French dip with a little onion marmalade and rosemary au jus. Fucking delicious.

What do you think about the idea that it’s unfair to make rich people pay more taxes?
Wait. When was any of this shit supposed to be fair?

I’m pretty sure you’ll never get married. But do you think you’ll ever settle down with a man?
Just one?

Does it get better?
It just did.

Stubborn girls… how do you get them back?
Quit fucking up. Even then, it’s a long shot.

Please make a facebook page, I hate twitter and I’m on whorebook all the time at work. I’d like to see when this blog updates.
Fuck no. Fuck Facebook. Here’s why.

Why hasn’t the collective herd been sufficiently thinned yet?
Because you haven’t killed yourself yet.

Why the name change for The Daily? What’s wrong with “Dear Coke Talk?”
You know what’s funny about that? It wasn’t the drug reference. It was because of the Coca-Cola Corporation trademark. Fucking ridiculous.

I know you’re completely indifferent; but all your old fans are GONE.
Oh please. All my old fans still follow me, and so do you. Quit acting like you just heard your favorite indie band on the radio, you stupid hipster doofus.

Lately it seem’s like only ‘needy’ guys are into me. Guy’s that don’t drive or have a job. How do I go about finding a man’s man?
Stop looking.

Do you think ‘Essential Faith‘ would layer well with Marc Jacob’s ‘Daisy’?
Essential Faith adds depth to any fragrance that’s layered on top. I’ve yet to find a perfume it doesn’t vibe with.

What gives you the motivation to be so accomplished?
I haven’t accomplished jack shit. Yet.

I get so into what he does that when he begs me to talk dirty I don’t know what to say. I honestly suck at dirty talk. Do you have any advice for me?
Dirty talk consists entirely of describing whatever it is you are doing in the moment. Just narrate the action, but you gotta own that shit. Curl your lip. Say it with brass. Don’t think. Growl.

Are you shipping your boutique stuff internationally? Us London girls want to rock that!
Yeah, I ship across the pond. I love you bitches, but you gotta start contacting me here with boutique questions.

You’re a sell-out.
You’re a child.

Would you consider yourself a modern-day Holly Golightly?
No. Don’t let Audrey Hepburn distract you. Capote’s character was a gold digging call girl.

My twenties are all about being confused? I thought my teens were all about being confused.
Life is about being confused. Each decade is merely about dealing with that confusion at increasing levels of responsibility.

How much bullshit is it worth putting up with for true love?
Please do not put the word true in front of love. Love is love, and you are not the Princess Bride.

What color is heaven?
What color is unicorn cum?

Favorite lip balm?
Kiehls Baby Lip Balm.

Why don’t you capitalize the g when you write “god”?
To me, god is a conceptual term, not a proper name like Jehovah or Allah or Zeus. It may not be the accepted capitalization, but I choose my words carefully for a reason.

How do I get over being rejected by colleges?
Your best bet is to react with maturity and poise by not taking it personally. Then again, you could always blame rich kids and Asians for your own mediocrity.

I’m all over your sites, and love the way you write. What snarky sites do you follow?
Not to sound like a snooty cunt, but I read books.

I’m a boy and I want to buy some coketalk stuff too!
You can, dude. The fuck rings and coke rings come in size 8.5 for all the fellas.

Do you genuinely appreciate hearing from me? Do you REALLY?
Fuckin’ love it.

What is the difference between being promiscuous and being slutty?
Your vocabulary.

When will it stop hurting?
When you quit being a little emo bitch.

i’m hot but i don’t want to remove my awesome flying unicorn sweatshirt. WHAT DO I DO?
Don’t worry, you’re not hot.

Do you have Bieber Fever?
No. I’m still around 98 degrees. *zing*

how did you get so frackin wealthy?! Were you born into this? What do you do for a living?!
I work my fucking ass off, thank you very much. I was born with a lot of gifts, but money wasn’t one of them.

What’s your opinion on the Brandon Davies getting suspended from BYU sex scandal?
Brandon could’ve gone to Penn or Berkeley, but no, he is a Mormon who deliberately chose a religious school with an honor code that institutionalizes sexual repression, so fuck him. Tough shit. This is what he gets for belonging to that ridiculous cult.

I recently realized I’ve poured 5 years of my life into an education that means almost nothing in the real world… what the fuck do I do now?
Get a job.

What do you do when you realize you love your significant other more than they love you?
Embrace your vulnerability.

What’s the trick to life? I mean, what is your personal trick to feeling fulfilled more often than not?
It’s not a trick.

Loving the nail polish on your latest tumblr post.  What’s it called?
Chanel Le Vernis Khaki Vert Limited Edition

Do you think abortion should be covered by basic healthcare?
Of course it should. We’re insane not to make that shit safe, free, and readily available to every last woman in the country.

I am a young man who wants to toughen the fuck up. Any ideas?
Um, I dunno, prison? The Marines?

To buy an iPad or not to buy, that is the question. I want it to have a camera, should I wait?
Yes. One more week. Trust me.

Why would a guy that likes a girl ignore her over the phone, yet, clearly show that he’s head over heels in person?
Proximity to your pussy.

Why does being thin mean you have good genes?  Can I not have awesomely curvy, Christina Hendricks-like genes?  Bitch.
Sure, you can have awesomely curvy genes. You can also have inappropriately personal reactions to things that have nothing to do with you. Get the chip off your shoulder. Bitch.

Do you think your life would be different if you didn’t have those good genes?
Yeah, and if my grandmother had balls she’d be my grandfather.

The man I’m fucking is in love with my best friend. He treats her with respect, and he treats me like nothing. Guess this is what I get for fucking him, right?
No, this is what you get for thinking your vagina is a hole through which respect passes.

I would admire you so much more if you weren’t so damn materialistic. I mean in all honestly, how much of your life can you base off of designer clothes and drugs until you get bored with yourself?
I’m not materialistic. I like pretty things. There’s a difference.

Would you do Hank Moody?
Are you kidding me? Fuck yes. I would do things to David Duchovny that would send him crying all the way back to sex rehab.

Does a greater satisfaction to you come from helping others, or being internet famous?
Dude, I’m anonymous for a reason. I loathe fame.

What do you recommend as a stylish alternative to the pacifier when you’re on a massive ecstasy bender? I chain smoked all night last night and I want a way to control my grinding teeth without waking up with vocal chords that feel like breaded, fried spaghetti.
Higher quality drugs and some chewing gum, you numnard.

What do YOU think happens when we die?
We rot in the ground for a hot minute. That’s it, dude. Our consciousness simply ceases to exist. Don’t worry. It’s no big deal. You didn’t exist for the first fourteen billion years, and you won’t exist for the next fourteen billion either.

I’m monogamous and I want to mess around.  What do I do?
Choose.

Please tell me you think George Clooney is hot?
Duh.

Are you making money at The Daily?
Double duh.

How does that even WORK, getting a paycheck while remaining anonymous?
Good lawyers, shell corporations, and an employer willing to play ball.

My boyfriend cheated on me and is now dating the girl he cheated on me with. Yet, I would still take him back if he asked. What is wrong with me?
A complete lack of self respect.

There’s a guy I work with who has a crush on me, but I don’t feel the same way. How do I stay friends with him without hurting him?
You don’t.

Why the hell doesn’t biology have any explanation for the hymen?
No, you’re right. Fuck evolutionary physiology. God put hymens there for our future husbands because we’re all filthy whores who can’t be trusted.

Is there any way to find older posts than the ones listed? It’s kind of annoying so many are gone.
See all the past advice in the upper right? Knock yourself out, genius.

I want to start an advise column as well. I’ve tried pressuring friends to leaving me “anonymous” questions. But no dice. Any tips?
Here’s one. Learn the difference between advise and advice.

With regard to your recent whoretalk post: You look alarmingly thin. Genetics, intense diet and exercise, or an eating disorder?
Good genes, thank you very much. Oh, and you can take that “alarmingly” and shove it up your ass.

Would you reveal your identity if offered $1,000,000 for it?
Feel free to make me an offer and find out.

What gets your furthest in life: Good looks, social skills, or intelligence?
Showing up.

Why do you think people feel forever connected to the people they have sex with?
Do they? I don’t know. There are almost seven billion people on the planet. I say any reason we have to feel forever connected to someone is a beautiful thing.

Why aren’t you writing professionally yet?
Yeah, stay tuned for an announcement.

I’m a fairly normal teenage girl with shitty self image issues. How would you advise I go about fixing that?
Quit being a fairly normal teenage girl.

I had sex with my friend. It was really good sex and we’re pretty good friends. Why don’t I want to fuck him again?
Because if you do it again, you’ll be friends who fuck instead of friends who fucked, and that scares you.

Why doesn’t my boyfriend want to go down on me?
Your pussy smells.

Schrödinger’s cat. Dead or alive?
Yes.

What’s your favorite book?
Are we on a shitty first date or something? There is no possible way for me to answer this question.

What made you decide to use Coketalk as your alias?
Read my personal blog, and you’ll find out.

Best thing to do in New York?
Next week? Me.

How do you deal with your enemies?
People who have enemies are people who need enemies, and I don’t find that a particularly healthy way to live. I can disagree with people, compete with people, and even oppose people without the need for an enemy.

How do you keep your shit so together?
Are you kidding me? I’m so fucking hungover right now.

I’ve never seen you use emoticons. Do you ever do so?
Emoticons are for children and idiots. I’m perfectly capable of expressing my emotional state with actual words.

Eminem: whiny, angry white boy, or inspirational story?
Inspirational story for whiny, angry white boys.

Post more, woman.
Say please, bitch. I’m super busy over here, and you don’t get to make terse demands on my time unless you’re paying me.

How many bitchy complaints do you get about not answering peoples questions?
Quite a few, but that just means you love me.

Can I work for you?
Perhaps as an intern. Show me whatcha got.

What’s the weirdest thing you’ve put in your pussy?
The seven inch barrel of a Smith & Wesson 357 Magnum. Yeah, that was a weird night. Don’t try this at home, kids.

LCD Soundsystem breaking up?
I caught their last show in LA, so I’m perfectly fine with it. Totally ready for James Murphy’s next project, whatever it may be.

May I use a tax deduction on an aborted child due to incurred expenses?
Medical expenses that exceed 7.5% of your adjusted gross income are tax deductible, and while a legal abortion does qualify, you’ll likely need a bunch of other medical expenses before you see any tax benefit.

How do you feel about men opening doors for women?
Delighted.

If you have nothing to prove, why do you talk so much shit?
It gives me pleasure.

Are you gonna answer this question?

Would you really do Make-A-Wish? I actually qualify for a Wish and think it would be cool to meet you.
Shit, I’m not gonna say no to a terminally ill teenager. You’d have to be able to keep a secret, though.

How can I deal with rejection better?
Never take it personally.

We are becoming a nation of idiots. do you agree?
Herpity derp derp? Durr hurr.

Walk us through your writing process, dearest coke talk.
Sit down. Hit play on iTunes. Start typing.

Oh noes mini roommate crush. Helpp.
Quit talking like that.

Didn’t get the job.
Keep going.

How do you make a comedown go as smoothly as possible, without taking anything extra like diazepam?
Healthy food and a shower.

Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. True or false?
True as fuck.

are you an organ donor?
Hell yes I am, and every last one of you motherfuckers should be too.

Do you kiss him right after he has gone down on you?
Why wouldn’t I? My pussy is delicious.

How do you facilitate a threesome in High School?
Shut up and do your homework.