Juilan Assange or Sarah Palin?
Cake or Death?

Scotland or England?
London, but only if we fly Virgin Atlantic, and if it’s August, I’m totally down for a trip up to Edinburgh for a few days of fringe.

Is there really any reason to get married?
Kids are a pretty good reason, and marriage provides for some ready-made estate planning if you’re too lazy, poor, or stupid to use lawyers. I dunno. I suppose there are plenty of reasons, but if you’re asking how many aren’t desperate anachronisms, the list gets pretty short.

Intellectual property is a tool of the creative mind or the corporate giant?
Intellectual property is a product of the creative mind and a construct of the corporate giant.

How do I find creative fulfillment?
In the present moment.

Enough about everybody else. I want to hear what’s happening in your life. Anything exciting? How’s that long-distance boyfriend of yours?
Really? Really? As if this shit doesn’t happen enough when catching up with old friends, I gotta get cunt punched from strangers on the internet now too? Ugh. Feel free to catch up on my blog after you get your foot out of your mouth.

Theoretically, what song would be played at your funeral?
For the Widows In Paradise, for the Fatherless In Ypsilanti

Do you believe in ghosts?
No.

don’t you think britney will sue you for using her image?
Oh please, did Marilyn sue Warhol?

do you swear the anonymity goes both ways here? or are you actually tracking us somehow then looking us up on facebook and feeling superior?
Wow. Paranoia, narcissism, and self-loathing all in the same breath. You’re ready to start dating in Hollywood, babe.

So you’re brilliant. So it’s part of your personality to be brilliant. But do you find that your faucet knobs turn a bit more when you’re under the influence?
Yes, but I have no idea whether it’s hot or cold.

what do you do when you tell a secret you weren’t supposed to?
Damage control.

why does being in love feel so much like nausea?
Because you have an enteric nervous system.

Why is it seemingly impossible for me to quit smoking, exercise, drink less alcohol, and eat less food? What is my goddamn problem?
You’re lazy and you lack discipline.

What are your thoughts on the old adage: “if you’re young and you’re not a liberal/democrat you have no heart; if you’re old and you’re not a conservative/republican you have no brain?”
It’s a backhanded compliment old conservatives give to young liberals, because it correlates liberal politics with the folly of youth. It’s condescension disguised as a little nugget of folksy wisdom.

What would you say if you saw Natalie ‘I run LA bitch’ from Bad Girls Club out and about?
First of all, I had to Google that bitch. Second of all, wuuut? Third of all, it would never happen, but hypothetically, if I was kidnapped, chloroformed, and woke up on the rooftop at Kress during hoochie-mama ghetto night, it’s possible that we could cross paths as I staggered to the nearest emergency exit, though in my woozy condition, I’d probably just mistake her for Scottie Pippen in drag.

Would you join Julian Assange and 2 swedish blondes for an awesome night of sex and candy IF you had to reveal him your real identity?
Are you kidding me? Look at this GQ motherfucker. I would happily reveal my secret identity to the founder of WikiLeaks. The irony would be almost as delicious as the Eyes Wide Shut style debauchery that would ensue.

I’m going through an existential crisis. Any tips on making it through?
Keep existing.

Had the greatest dream ever that I met you.
Was it the dream where I was giving you head from the passenger seat of a flying version of the Ferris Bueller Ferrari? I have that one sometimes.

why do i want to move to England so bad?
Harry Potter.

What is your favorite thing about words?
Using them.

Do you look down on girls that aren’t skinny?
I don’t look down on them. I look around them. Ba-zing! (Come on, you set me up for that one, right?)

Should I get implants?
Big decision. You should probably flip a coin.

In some ways you remind me of amanda palmer
Huge fucking compliment.

Have you ever felt depersonalization or derealization?
Depersonalization? Too much ketamine. Derealization? Too much LSD.

am i pretty?
Not when you’re asking needy questions.

What are your thoughts about capital punishment?
Citizens who grant the state a right to kill them are idiots.

Every time I’m about to cum with my boyfriend I fantasize of other guys. Is that very bad or just another way of dealing with monogamy?
That shit is so fucking normal. Please stop punishing yourself for being human.

How important is a man’s hair to a woman?
Probably not as important as it is to the man, but for the love of god, with whatever you’ve got, please do something with it.

Anything to say about the US embassy cable leaks?
Whatever. It wasn’t the missile codes. It was diplomats caught telling the truth. Big fucking deal. You wanna see shit really hit the fan? Just wait for the bank scandal. Congress is gonna have a field day.

You can’t talk about Jazz without mentioning Stan Getz or Dave Brubeck… proving that you only are familiar with the outer edge of mainstream jazz. which isn’t shit.
Yes, you win. You know way more about jazz than me. Your prize is a set of gigantic, pretentious headphones, which I sincerely hope you’ll wear whenever you insist on listening to all those crusty old white guys who sound like date rape from the early sixties. Now if you don’t mind, I’ll be over here talking about whatever I damn well please.

What do you think of Santa Monica’s new little theme thing going? Those neon flowers and fish they put all over the lifeguard towers and now on taxis and the skating rink… What the hell.
Santa Monica is for tourists who like their mall with a side of beach, and the cutesy shit is all part of the new cruelty. That’s what you get when you gentrify a neighborhood where rich people already live.

What’s your opinion of Adolous Huxley’s Brand New World? I just finished reading it and I’m curious as to your opinion of it.
Sweetheart, it’s Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World, and if you just finished reading it, then I’m terribly worried that you may have just proven his entire point. Oh, the horrifying irony.

If Ayn Rand’s philsosphy is methadone, whose is buprenorphine?
Tony Robbins.

Why do people like jazz?
Because some folks will always insist on doing things the hard way.

Size or Performance, in your opinion?
Performance.

What do you think of good, clean people?
They make great employees.

Do you think crying is a sign of weakness?
No. Crying is a sign of emotion.

What is the cure for unrequited love?
Time and distance.

why do people put so much value on virginity? is it just so they can micromanage our vaginas? or is there a logical explanation?
Grown-ups don’t trust hormonal teens not to fuck shit up. Never have, never will.

Do you think being horny is a good enough reason to start having sex? Or would I have to deal with the emotional blowback from a mess of teenage hormones soon afterwards?
Yes.

Classiness: a state of mind, or a product of privilege?
Yes.

Are you as hot for Jeff Goldblum as I am? (I’m totally serious here.)
Um, probably not, no.

How can I distinguish my integrity from arrogance?
With a dictionary.

What do you think of American Apparel’s advertisements?
They work.

Hi, I was just wondering who did that cover of Say It Ain’t So on your trntbl. I really like it. Thanks
Mozella.

How do I know if everything I am learning is wrong or not?
Factually wrong? Check your sources. Ethically wrong? Check your conscience. Epistemologically wrong? Check your reasoning.

Do you ever think about shaving those long locks of yours for the Emma Watson pixie ‘do?
Oh dear, no. Growing it back is a nightmare, and at street level, I can’t pull that shit off without looking like a skinny boy. Quite frankly, neither can Emma.

how tight should a man’s pants be?
Unless he’s on stage, a man’s pants shouldn’t be so tight that the word tight would be used to describe them. It’s a subjective standard, but deadly accurate.

Has anyone ever brought up your blog in front of you, not knowing that you were the writer?
Yep. I’ve even been quoted to myself. One time, during a little cocktail party conversation some rando lawyer busted out my definition of cheating. The dude had it memorized. Verbatim. Gotta admit, it felt pretty awesome.

If you had to give up one for the rest of your life…cheese or oral sex?
Are you from Wisconsin or something? How is this even a choice? Fuck cheese. Fuck it forever and a day. I will not be giving up oral sex, thank you very much.

Why the fuck won’t my peanut butter spread?
Because Wonder Bread is a lie.

whats the best way to knock a bitch off her high horse?
Scare the horse.

Bitch, answer ONE of my questions? I read your blog day in and out, you owe me that!
Okay.

if you knew you were going to die. Would you reveal your identity?
I am going to die, and if you understood the first thing about me, you’d know better than to look for revelation in identity.

TSA is freaking me the fuck out. If they ‘randomly select’ me, a really attractive college girl, how do I play it cool and mentally destroy them for victimizing me?
Mental destruction requires a mind. Don’t waste your time. Also, victimization requires a victim. Fuck that. Make your flight and write your congressman.

How many times a day is too many to masturbate?
As many times as it takes to start getting in the way of more important shit.

Could you see yourself in a romantic relationship with someone who doesn’t drink or do drugs, ever?
Oh yeah, for at least a few hours.

If I was to take dirt from the US, take to another country, and give birth on it…would that qualify as being born on US soil granting one citizenship?
Nope, not unless you could get the governor of a US state to make a declaration temporarily annexing the soil during the birth without causing an international incident. Probably not the easiest way to get the desired result, though.

I just made it through my first pregnancy scare. The test turned out negative, so why am I upset?
Because it crystalizes how you’re all grown up without really being an adult. That shit is upsetting.

I’m a girl. tell me how you would fuck me.
Girl or guy, I just start with your mind and move downward.

Any insight as to why high school absolutely wrecks some people for the rest of their lives?
It’s not high school. It’s adolescence. The transition from childhood to adulthood is a brutal fucking experience. That’s just the nature of the human condition, and some folks just don’t make it.

my best friend thinks i’ve been talking shit, when i love her like a sister, i’m so enraged i just want to give up on this friendship completely
Yeah, that last part about giving up on the friendship? That’s you talking shit, which means she’s right about you, even if she’s wrong. Chill the fuck out, drama queen.

At what age should a man stop looking for the perfect partner and just settle for someone half way attractive with a job that you can stand to share a place with?
A man would know better than to expect perfection in the first place. A man would also understand what it really means to settle. Grow the fuck up.

what about the vegans/vegetarians that are in it for the animals? i don’t think it’s pretentious of me to give a fuck about where my food comes from.
Of course you don’t, and yet you felt the need to defend your lifestyle choice to a random stranger on the internet who couldn’t give less of a fuck what you cram into your pie hole.

If Ayn Rand is a gateway philosophy, where do I go next?
Wherever your questions take you. If you can think to ask it, some brilliant mind of a former age has talked shit about it. Read up. Learn from the greats. Absorb, mix, and match. When it comes to philosophy, don’t be afraid to wear plaids and stripes. One day, you’ll find that you’ve developed your own world view that comes from the inside out.

I’ve got the house, the wife and the money, so why am I not happy?
Yeah well, I’ve got cheddar cheese, a pumpkin, and some carrots, so why am I not the color orange? (And for those of you in New Jersey, I’m not suggesting that self tanner is the key to happiness.)

Are you as cool in real life as you are on your blog?
There is no way to answer this question without sounding like a giant douche.

I just know this has been asked the umpteenth time, but what kind of music do you listen to, if you have the time to anyway?
You know I have a personal blog, right? Here’s all the music I’ve posted.

Sometimes I think if I werent such an independent woman, maybe Id have a boyfriend once in a while…
Sometimes I wish I could spray my inbox with weed killer designed specifically for shitty voiceover from “Sex and the City.”

Is 28 too late to start over again? I mean to really start building everything (love, friends, acquaintances, income source, creative production, academia) from scratch?
It’s never too late, and it’s never from scratch.

Is it wrong to use drugs to fill emotional voids?
Wrong is a moral judgement. If you want one of those, I’d need more context. I will say that using drugs to fill an emotional void usually leads to negative consequences. Do with that what you will.

Do you think that teenagers fall in love or they just believe they do?
Yes.

What do you take personally?
My person.

You’re such a self righteous bitch.
Duh.

Do you have any friends? If so, do you pay them? I mean, you’re such a bitch how does anybody actually want to be around you?
I love my haters so fucking much. Oh, I just want to hug them and squeeze them like a basket full of puppies. You have no idea.

How can you swallow without gagging if you are sober and it is your first time?
Are we talking about sushi or cum? Seriously, what’s the big deal here?

Who would win in a fight? You or Dan Savage?
No, no. This is Hollywood, babe. Never fuck with the gay mafia.

Celebrity girl crush?
Olivia Wilde.

If you could change only 3 things about current government/policies, what would you change?
I’d replace the military-industrial complex with a civil-industrial complex as a stopgap for our crumbling infrastructure, I’d replace the prison-industrial complex with a beefed-up educational-industrial complex, and I would summarily end the legacy of state funded concept wars, including the wars on drugs, terror, poverty, crime, etc.

Did you ever make up questions just to give an answer, in the beginning of your blog? To get it going and to get people comfortable writing in?
Not that swearing on a stack of bibles would mean shit, but if my word means anything to you, I’m here to give it. I have never made up a single one of these ridiculous questions. My process is the only pure thing about me.

Why do you call it the hall of anti-fame instead of the hall of infamy?
So people like you would pause for a moment and reflect on the importance of such a distinction in this voyeuristic, fame obsessed, and digitally hyper-intrusive culture. Yeah, that’s right. I got recurring literary motifs up in this bitch.

You know, sometimes I just want to throw on Angels & Airwaves or 30 Seconds to Mars and rock the fuck out.  Is there anything wrong with enjoying cheesy-ass music from time to time?
We’ve all got guilty pleasures, babe. Fuck it. I know it’s bubblegum flavored shit, but to this day, I can’t help myself from singing along to the chorus of Kelly Clarkson’s “Since U Been Gone.”

are you on coke for every response? or just special select few?
You can tell, huh?

Should I do coke? Does it live up to the hype?
Honestly? No. Ecstasy is way better.

Deliberately trying to get pregnant. And halve his livelihood and success in the process, I suppose.
This isn’t PostSecret, you miserable cunt. Go fall down some stairs.

Do you think you’re psychologically/emotionally capable of killing a person?
Sure. Not for shits and giggles or anything, but in a him or me type situation, I’d like to think I wouldn’t hesitate.

Paul Thomas Anderson or Quentin Tarantino?
The Coen Brothers.

You should make an iphone app.
Um, is there an app for that?

Do you believe all good things must really come to an end?
To the extent that you are bound by time, of course they do.

Awww, poor baby almost had her hate speech taken away! Cling to your privilege, sister! Don’t let those faggots get you down!
Don’t worry, babe. Your humorless sanctimony and hypocritical victim mentality don’t affect me in the least. Good luck with all that misdirected rage, though.

“I strongly suggest you lighten the fuck up.” Take your own advice.
Okay. Pull my finger.

people ask you some dumb fuckin questions. how do you deal? (pardon the irony, as i realize this is also a dumb fuckin question.)
Deal with what? It’s not my drama. I may have a momentary emotional response, but I don’t take any of this shit seriously or personally.

Is it bad to get a boner when a girl is sitting on your lap?
Yes it is, Santa.

whats the best place to live in LA if you don’t have a car?
Manhattan.

what is in your opinion the measure of a good man?
Integrity. Eight solid inches of integrity.

I’m a vegan, and I don’t think that makes me arrogant at all.
It doesn’t, but assuming I was talking about you kind of does.

Would we be friends in real life?
I’d like to think so.

how come if you hit on an engaged man youre a selfish cunt, but if hes already married you should just make it a threesome?
Again, marital status is immaterial. Inflicting chaos on a couple is a no-no, but if both parties are cool with you joining in, feel free. Why is basic integrity so fucking hard for you to understand?

is it just me or is America a New York minute away from economic collapse, leading to a full blown police state?
We’re not shipping brown people off in boxcars just yet, but I’d recommend nobody piss off the TSA this Thanksgiving unless you wanna find out how much we already live in a police state.

I told my boyfriend that every time we have sex, he’s also having sex with you. Reading this blog shaped who I am—crazy, honest, witty, and sensible. Thanks so much.
You’re welcome. I hope your boyfriend makes us squirt.

Do you do any philanthropy?
I do volunteer work. Right now I’m mentoring for a non-profit reading and writing program for second graders.

What’s the difference between innocence and naiveté?
What’s the difference between O.J. Simpson and his jury?

Do you think the television show America’s Next Top Model has any value?
To the cosmetics industry, most definitely.

What is your response to a man who wonders aloud if you are trying to ‘trap’ him?
That really depends on the context. Does this guy think you’re deliberately trying to get pregnant, or does he think you’re a pre-op tranny? Those require totally different responses.

I spend a good portion of the hour in my high school web design class just reading your blog. I still hold a 98% average though. 🙂
Nice. For your homework assignment, set the browser home page on every computer at your school to dearcoketalk.com.

Is it better to get a Liberal Arts Degree or a Communications Degree?
It doesn’t matter. No one will ever fucking care. Study what you love.

Does the mounting violence in Mexico trouble you considering it is largely caused by the drug trade?
The drug trade? Fuck you. The violence is caused by prohibition. Until idiots like you understand the distinction, all sorts of people will continue to suffer.

How about pissing on a feminist?
That costs extra.

What do you think of Paz de la Huerta?
She’s sex on legs, dripping, delicious, and killing it on Boardwalk Empire.

Do you like Dave Matthews?
He’s a total sweetheart. As for his music, well, there was a time and a place many, many years ago.

Do you think of yourself as a judgmental person?
Not on my better days.

Why do you insist on using ableist language?
Because political correctness is fucking retarded.

What’s your opinion on people eating animals?
What’s your opinion on animals eating animals?

Why do vegans and vegetarians think that they’re saving the world?
No, no. It’s not fair to pick on a few arrogant herbivores. The world is full of assholes who think they’re saving it because of some elitist lifestyle choice.

How to go about telling my boyfriend of 9 months that after 3 years of being openly bisexual, I only like girls now?
Don’t make it about your sexual identity. Just break up with him. Tell him the relationship has run its course, and its time for you to go your separate ways.

you’re buddhist! yay!
No, I’m not! Yay!

You’re like Dr. Phil with balls, brains and swagger.
You mean Oprah?

Do you ever think that you might just be a big fish in a little pond?
Who cares? I’m having way too much fun with this bicycle.

The peanut m&m bag I just ate was weird. I swear 90% of the m&m’s were blue. What does it mean?
Back away from the Costco sack of Viagra, Mr. Magoo.

How do I stop texting him. He ignores everything i write, but I cant stop!! Help!!!! I am so depressed and he was the only thing that made me happy.
What a shame. One more exclamation mark, and I would have told you the meaning of life.

Five days is too long to not call a girl after cuming on her face, right?
A classy guy like you? I doubt she’s counting.

How do you know what your calling is?
Dude, it’s a calling. If you have one, you’ll know.

Where is the instinct in the gut located?
It’s next to all the poop, silly.

Mr Big or Aiden?
Matthew Broderick.

your knowledge on litteracy is amazing.
Your misspelling of the word literacy is some Andy Kaufman level shit.

is it okay to be 19 and never been kissed? is it normal?
It’s far worse to have anxiety about whether it’s normal than it is to have never been kissed. Don’t worry, babe. Smooches will come. Fuck normal.

How do I get my friend to lose her virginity once and for all?
Insert a penis into her vagina.

I just had a hot sex with my toddler. What should I do?
Reevaluate your sense of humor.

You’re getting soft. Are you pregnant?
You’re getting presumptuous. Are you the father?

The real question is, can you cook?
My recipes got mad flava, yo.

What’s the difference between shy boys and reserved men?
A shy boy doesn’t know himself, but needs to know you. A reserved man knows himself, but doesn’t need to know you.

What is one of your sexual fantasies? Go ahead, be vulnerable.
Being able to lose my innocence again.

How long does it take to get famous?
These days, not nearly long enough.

I’m very lost. I’m very sad. I’m very confused. I’m very sober.
Stay off Hollywood Boulevard, because you’re just how Scientology likes ‘em.

I’ve recently started having sex. Everyone says that by the third or fourth time, it starts feeling good. But it still hurts like a bitch. What do I do?
Use lube. Slow down. Quit letting your inexperienced boyfriend fuck shit up.

He told me to fuck off, I cried for a week straight and now he’s banging on my door drunk and calling me. What do I do?
Pick a better one next time.

What is up with all your Ghandi-like advice lately?
Same as it ever was, babe. If my shit seems different, it’s your enlightenment, not mine. Welcome to the party.

Do you care about your readers ?
Of course I do. How the fuck would this be possible if I didn’t?

How do I let go of the only guy I’ve ever loved?
Quit using the words only and ever.

Have you ever cheated on someone?
Fuck no.

Are you Alexi Wasser?
Why do you all keep asking me this? No disrespect to everybody’s favorite hipster manic pixie dream girl, but if you can’t tell the glaring and fundamental differences between her thing and mine, please stay the fuck out of our city.

ok so if Ayn Rand is methadone, than what would be pure, state-sponsored heroin (like they have in Switzerland)?
Oh, come on. What’s always been the opiate of the masses? Religion.

I’m thinking of coming out to my extended family over Thanksgiving dinner. Should I do it before or after dessert, and with or without graphic details of why I am getting a sex change?
Don’t make Thanksgiving dinner all about your giblets. That’s tacky. Let everyone finish their pie before telling them about the sex change.

bitch, im gonna put your shit on a tshirt and sell it to your whole blog. What’re you gonna do? Sue me? Good! Then we will know who you are.
Bitch, if you think lawyers are my weapon of choice, you haven’t been paying attention. Not that it matters. My fans would know better than to buy your shit.

When did you first become passionate about writing? What led to your interest?
Oxygen and orgasms, my friend. When it comes to writing, you might as well be asking about breathing or fucking.

Why do you think it’s getting colder as we go higher up in the atmosphere even though we are getting closer to the sun!?
Well, Violent J, that’s an excellent question — for a fifth grader. Maybe if you didn’t use lead-based face paint, these kinds of things wouldn’t confuse you. Good luck with those fucking magnets.

Ugh I’m such a fucking procrastinator. Advice?
Not right now.

Is dating your supervisor wrong?
If it’s a job requirement.

Any advice for maintaining a long-distance relationship?
Shorten the distance.

Yeah you are oozing with privilege. Fuck you.
Yeah. Fuck me. That’s the way to handle it.

Do you think girls and guys can be friends?
Of course they can, and the underlying premise of this all-too-common question and the infantile assumptions it makes about gender, interpersonal relationships, and human sexuality well and truly break my fucking heart.

What would you do if all recreational drugs, including alcohol, disappeared off the face of the earth tomorrow?
Ridiculously stupid thought experiments like this only demonstrate your gross misunderstanding of chemistry, biology, and human nature. The fucking tragedy is that this kind of retarded thinking has been shaping US drug policy for years.

Reading Atlas Shrugged right now, your thoughts on it?
I consider Rand and her philosophy to be the epistemological equivalent of methadone. A controlled dose of objectivism is a hell of a lot better than the dirty street junk most people shoot into their arms, but it’s still no way to live.

Am I a bad feminist because I used to be anorexic?
Absolutely not. You’re a bad feminist for hating women. Well, one woman actually. Yourself. Quit it. You haven’t done anything wrong, girl. You are never your disease. Ever. Stop beating yourself up. Love yourself instead.

I’ve been working my ass off for years trying to get where I want to be in life. It’s not working, and it’s starting to seem like it never will start working. When do I throw in the towel and settle for mediocrity?
Mediocrity isn’t a measure of your title or your tax bracket, fucko. It’s a measure of your state of mind. Never settle for mediocrity.

What are your thoughts on using coke to lose weight?
Please don’t do stupid shit like this. You will build up an addiction, fuck up your brain chemistry, and wreak havoc on your cardiovascular system ten times over before the appetite suppressing effects of cocaine will aid you in losing any actual weight.

How do you feel about trying to seduced engaged men? Engaged isn’t married right?
Marital status is immaterial. It’s not okay to willfully inflict chaos on other people’s relationships. Come on, this is basic fucking golden rule integrity. Would you want selfish cunts seducing your fiance? No? Then don’t be a selfish cunt.

Do you participate in the Black Friday madness?
If by participate, you mean run an annual death pool on the number of shopping related fatalities (including miscarriages), then yes, I suppose I do participate.