I know you’re not going to like this question, but please humor us. We have dinner bets on this: who’s your favorite Disney princess?
I say Mulan, and we’ve got votes for Pocahontas and Rapunzel.
The Coquette we know and love will probably answer in a way that makes us question our very beings, but please include a real answer (our future lives and relationships depend on it). Thanks!
Merida.
I really wish I could edit my comments.
I’ve added a feature that gives you a 15 minute window to edit or delete any comments you make on my site. (Good suggestion.)
I’m more content than I have been in a long time. Why does that fill me with a vague sense of dread?
I like to refer to that as cosmic background anxiety. It’s a sort of low-level existential angst that’s always there, and you only feel it when all the other noise and static is gone.
Casual guy told me I was too smart for him/ he couldn’t keep up. Then we fucked one last time and he ghosted. It’s just an excuse cause he’s not into it, right? What the fuck
The whole “he’s just not that into you” thing implies that it actually had something to do with you in the first place. In a casual world full of narcissists, y’all need to start getting used to the fact that it wasn’t ever about you to begin with.
he didn’t contact me when he was single but now that he’s in a relationship, he’s all up on me. why would someone want to fuck me when they have a girlfriend but not when they’re single?
Apparently, you’re side-piece material.
What’s left after the being in love phase is over?
Love. Or ennui. Or both. Depends on how you play it.
Thoughts on unconditional basic income?
I like the idea of social dividends, but I’d rather see the American experiment head in the direction of tuition-free college and universal health care.
If you were tied down and blindfolded to a bed and had a variety of men and women to eat your pussy, do you think you’d be able to identify the men from the women?
Easily. I know this from experience.
Does your therapist know about your advice column? Do you discuss or debate your advice?
I’m in between therapists at the moment, but no, sorry. I don’t talk about you guys in therapy.
You’ve become much less of an internet wackadoo since you’ve stopped using tumblr.
It’s been three months. What could you possibly be referring to?
Last week, I fucked a cop. I knew that he was a piece of shit. I knew I didn’t want anything out of this other than a mind-blowing one-night stand. He was the hottest guy I ever slept with and 10/10 great in bed. I never returned his calls, nor do I plan on seeing him again. It was probably some of the best sex of my life, so why do I feel dirty when I think about it?
The simple answer is because you fucked a cop, but you caught me bored on a Monday, so let’s dig a little deeper.
You use two spaces after periods, which means you’re probably in your mid thirties. (You could be older, but I doubt it.) You’re college educated, and based on your phrasing, I’m gonna go with east coast, so I’m also guessing this was NYPD.
Now, if you’re in your thirties and an NYPD officer is the hottest guy you’ve ever slept with, that means you’ve probably spent some time trapped in a long-term monogamous relationship, most likely a marriage that ended some time in the last year or two, which also explains why you’re still confused over how to feel about having a one-night stand.
That’s why you’re writing in to an advice columnist with a list of post-one-night stand clichés. You’re half bragging/half guilty, which is understandable given that you’re experiencing the garden variety cognitive dissonance that occurs when a thirty-something woman finally gets around to a little sexual experimentation.
Fucking a cop is the closest you’ve ever come to having a bad-boy phase. In fact, that’s what your little one-night stand was — a late-in-the-game miniaturized bad-boy phase, and like all women who eventually mature, at some point you look back over your bad-boy phase and wonder what in the hell you were thinking. For most women, that happens over the course of many years. For you, it all happened in the same week.
That’s cool, though. You had an adventure and got your brains fucked out by a guy you’d cross the street to avoid in daylight. Good for you. Feel a little dirty, sort it out, and on to the next.
I’m a freelancer, and I have an older (middle aged) client who prefers calling me over sending notes in emails, and I hate it. I’m still billing him for the time, but these conversations last up to an hour and a half, they’re excruciatingly awkward, and they’re mostly unproductive. They involve me waiting for him to decide what he wants, a long back-and-forth while I try to figure out what he’s saying, and long, silent pauses. I’ve had a vague sense of dread for months because he’ll sometimes only wait a couple days between these marathon conversations before calling me again. To be clear, he’s not being inappropriate or creepy, just irritating, and I think my mild social anxiety is a factor here. Is there a polite way to tell him to call less frequently (e.g. “I want to tackle those notes today, can we talk tomorrow?”,) or do I have to suck it up and be a professional about this?
Yeah, you have to suck it up and be professional.
It’s perfectly acceptable to let your client know that your preferred method of communication is email, and it’s fine for you to politely remind him, but if he insists on calling, you’re gonna be stuck talking to him on the phone for as long as you wanna keep his business.
In the future, I recommend you implement something called a “supervised hour” that you bill for at least 150% of your standard hour. A supervised hour is basically where you charge your client more for the privilege of literally standing over your shoulder while you work. It costs more because it’s an added service, and the unspoken acknowledgement is that the client is annoying and you’d rather not have them there bothering you anyway. Of course, phone and video conferences with your client also count as supervised hours.
This would go a long way to solving your problem, and if you get stuck with a client who insists on holding you hostage over the phone, at least you can bill him more for being annoying.
My boyfriend of three years hasn’t initiated sex with me in nine months. When I finally asked him why, he said that I “make [him] feel like a failure” because I’ve never had an orgasm, so he doesn’t want to have sex with me. I. . . Don’t really have a question, I just want to know what you think about this.
First of all, I am immediately wary of anyone who uses the phrase “you make me feel.” That’s a red flag for me. It’s evidence that a person isn’t accepting responsibility for their own emotions. Whenever I’m in a conversation with someone who says I “make them feel” a certain way I immediately correct them with, “I don’t make you feel anything.”
If instead your boyfriend had said “I feel like a failure,” that would have been an entirely different starting point for the conversation. Still, he would have ended the sentence with, “because you’ve never had an orgasm,” and that’s an awfully deep pile of shit to step in regardless of how he phrases it.
Now, it may be true that you’ve never had an orgasm (which is perfectly okay and nothing to be ashamed of), and it may also be true that your boyfriend has been wallowing in sexual insecurity for a good chunk of your relationship, but I assure you, that only scratches the surface of why he doesn’t want to have sex with you.
Maybe he’s emotionally checked-out of the relationship. Maybe he watches too much internet porn. Maybe he’s fucking other people. I dunno. Whatever it is, he’s not telling you the whole truth, and it’s a real punk-ass move for him to try and blame any part of it on you or your sexuality.
There are much larger forces at play here, and while I can’t be 100% sure what his underlying reasons are without knowing more about you both, I can guarantee you that the orgasm thing is nothing but douchebaggery and misdirection on his part.
It’s one thing to patiently work out some sexual dysfunction with a long term relationship partner. It’s an entirely different thing to put up with the glaring character flaws of a partner too pathetic to accept responsibility for his own feelings of inadequacy.
Is it actually possible that a Republican will win?
Of course it’s possible. (Don’t sleep on John Kasich. Watch what happens when people start voting in actual primaries. He’s gonna surge, and he’s dangerously presidential. If he gets the nomination, he’s just bland enough that he might win the whole thing.)
I can’t have kids. Hell, I don’t even like kids. So why did I burst into tears after my pregnant best friend told me I wouldn’t be able to handle it anyway?
Because not being able to have kids makes you feel broken, and your best friend basically just told you that you’re better off that way, which is super fucking insensitive of her.
It’s been about two years since i’ve last been in love or have met someone in whom i was seriously interested. Should I be worried?
Nah, you’re fine. It’s nice to spend a couple years doing your own thing. Besides, couplehood isn’t inherently better than singlehood, and no matter what else happens, the whole “being in love” phase is temporary anyway.
Why is it that every time I think of my dad, I get sad? He’s alive and I see him all the time. Is it because I feel like he’s sad? Because I love him and never tell him I do?
Yes. Congratulations. You just went through six months of therapy in 41 words. Now go tell your dad that you love him.
I’m graduating at the end of this semester. Is it okay to enter into a sexual relationship with my lecturer once I’m no longer a student at the university? I am currently taking a course he teaches. I’m a 22 year-old woman. I have no idea what his age is. Probably late 20s, early 30s.
Sure. It’s a bit of a grey area if you started seeing each other socially while you were still a student, but if the relationship begins entirely after your graduation, it’s fine.
How do I know if my questions really go through?
They do.
Thoughts on the new Star Wars???
Shut up.
Did it take you a long time to get comfortable with the way you look?
I’m not at all comfortable with the way I look. I know I can look hot, but that sure as hell doesn’t mean I’m comfortable. Huge difference.
I’ve never been in love so I’m sure there’s something I’m missing, but I just don’t understand. What is the point of staying in a relationship where you’re miserable 85% of the time? What’s so special about that 15% that makes everything else worth it? Am I right in thinking it’s really just fear of change and instability?
Where are you getting your numbers? Because if you’re surrounded by people in relationships composed of 85% misery, that speaks volumes about your potential for any kind of emotional well-being.
To be clear, the relationships you’re referring to are very unhealthy and should not be considered either normal or desirable. Misery should not be the resting state of any relationship, much less its defining characteristic.
If your friends are in relationships where they’re 85% miserable, you should distance yourself from their drama — don’t participate, and certainly don’t emulate. If your parents are the ones who are 85% miserable, you’re a little bit more fucked, but at the very least, you can start framing your parents in terms of how not to be in a relationship.
This isn’t about whether you’ve been in love. It’s about whether you’ve had any healthy relationship models in your life.
Friends are advising me that I need to “learn how to be alone” and it’s pissing me off. I’m a 34 year old professional – single, living alone, travel a lot, have great friends and enjoy my life well enough (aside from some work stress and a breakup 6 months ago.) Is this trite advice or am I in denial that I really DON’T know how to be alone? (And if it’s the latter, what am I doing wrong?)
Hmm. You seem to be leaving out the entire reason your friends are telling you to learn how to be alone. (Probably because you’re blind to it.)
My bet is that you’re codependent, and your friends are reacting to the symptoms. “Learn how to be alone” is friend code for “grow a fucking backbone and stop relying on the people you date for approval and identity.”
I dunno. Maybe you’ve been rebounding too hard. Maybe you’re not over your ex. Maybe you only know how to define yourself in the context of couplehood. Whatever it is, your friends have noticed, so they should be able to fill you in on the details.
I bought myself a new vibrator. How do I responsibly dispose of my old one?
It’s a fucking vibrator, not a spent fuel rod from a nuclear reactor. Just throw the damn thing away.
I’m becoming the person my younger self would lols at. And I’m completely fine w/ that. Am I growing up, or just giving up?
Growing up. (And you’ve got a long way to go.)
In a weird series of events, I found out my boyfriend’s old fling had an abortion. He doesn’t know. He’s religious and it would upset him. I’m allowed to keep this secret to my grave? Yes?
Definitely, yes. (It’s really not your place to tell him.)
Do people have an obligation towards the country they were born in?
Fuck no.
What does “I want to be with you, I’m 100% committed to this relationship, and if you asked me to marry you I would say yes, but a wedding is a whole big thing” mean? I kind of feel shitty for wanting to get married, now.
Quit feeling shitty. (That’s one of your most annoying personality traits.) Your potential fiancé is rightfully terrified of having to plan and pay for a wedding. You obviously have no idea how stressful and expensive that shit really is.
Relationships are difficult and don’t work out, what’s the point?
Relationships are the point. They’re all we’ve got. Quit whining and get back out there.
I’m in my mid-20s and may have just fallen in love for the first time. I have no idea if I am. My palms are sweaty, I want to cry and laugh thinking about him, my heart races I get dizzy. We connect on so many levels, and I don’t think love = marriage but I’m too scared to even tell him. Is this something THE ice queen Coke has felt?
Many, many times. Enjoy it. That shit is the best drug on the planet.
How do you deal with being fucking tired of smiling and nodding, though? Like, I don’t put up with blatant disrespect in my personal life but I still have to bobblehead so much to get by that it makes me sick to my stomach sometimes. Does it get easier as you get older?
It’s not that it gets easier. It’s that you just don’t have to do it as often.
Why has tumblr become so horrible?
Because I got kicked off it. Duh.
I’m lazy and I have the attention span of a chicken. Somehow I’ve managed to collect pretty diplomas (with zero debt, by the way) and I am now in the middle of getting a phd in a shiny top 10 institution. But I am still lazy and unproductive and easily distracted. I avoid challenges all the time. Sometimes I feel like I got this far academically because I was a good student so why not keep studying forever? I continue to half ass everything and get away with it by being just smart enough that people can’t tell whether I have reasonably limited abilities or if I’m just not even trying. I have a very mediocre scientific career ahead of me. I tried therapy, I tried prescription drugs, I continue being a lazy ass who would rather do literally nothing the entire day. You seem like a focused, energetic, disciplined, hard-working person who didn’t rest on being the smart kid. Are we just not made of the same thing?
We’re made of exactly the same thing. I know what you’re about, and I understand why you hunkered down in a PhD program. Your problem isn’t that you’d rather do nothing. It’s that you’ve got nothing better to do. You’re smart and bored, so you figure why not get a doctorate in self-loathing?
Obviously, you haven’t found your thing yet. Maybe you will, maybe you won’t. It ain’t science, that’s for sure. I mean, yeah, you’re good at it, but you don’t give a fuck one way or the other. It’s another passionless life choice made while walking the path of least resistance.
You’re passionless, but that’s not the same thing as being lazy. You’re still showing up and getting the work done. You always will. It’s always the bare minimum, but again, I know how you think. It’s on them, not you. If someone needs to get more work out of you, all they have to do is raise the minimum expectation. You’ll meet it. That’s the deal you’ve made with yourself. That’s the great rationalization that justifies your existence.
So, stop calling yourself lazy. You’re not. You’re just smart and bored, and you’ve made the boredom a part of your identity. Don’t do that. Separate yourself from the boredom. The boredom is your enemy. I’m not saying you should run out and find something to be passionate about (you ain’t there yet), but at the very least, stop acting like the boredom is an inevitability. It’s not.