Recently a relationship between me, a 15 year old, and this guy I met over the summer, who was 21, ended. We never actually did anything sexual or physical, seeing as he kept reminding me that i “was 15”. (Yea no fucking shit) But all summer we flirted and texted and talked on the phone and he, once in awhile, would talk about how nice it would be to kiss me. He has a tendency to whine, so when he started talking to me about how lonely he was, I took it as an oppurtunity to tell him how I felt. He said somethig along the lines of “Well, I could say something, but Im going to keep my mouth shut and who knows what will happen in the future?” what the fuck is that? Is he being a nice guy and avoiding my jailbait ass or did he simply lead my stupid teenage girl self on? whats your view of the situation.

Thanks for the extra details. Much better this time.

Let me start out by saying that he didn’t lead you on. He lead himself on. That’s what people do with forbidden fruit. They let it water their mouths knowing they can’t take a bite.

He wasn’t reminding you that you’re fifteen. He was reminding himself. You are textbook All-American forbidden fruit, kiddo. Of course he’s avoiding your jailbait ass! Don’t for one second confuse that for being a nice guy, though.

He let his mind wander one too many times while fantasizing about you, and since he couldn’t legally dump a load on you, he decided to dump his emotional baggage on you instead — kind of a dick move, if you ask me.

I can also guarantee that he has literally done the math on you.

There is a big wall calendar in his head with a bunch of red X’s leading up to the day when your vagina is no longer a gateway to registering as a sex offender.

That’s pretty fucking tacky, and when you add that to all his whining, the guy really starts to look like a creep. I suppose he gets some small credit for walking away when the forbidden fruit looked him in the eye and said, “eat me.” Still, it’s best that you just move on.

Also, you should really start getting used to older guys wanting to fuck you. You’re still a kid, but that’s just the way it goes. You probably think you’re mature for your age, and you very well may be, but anyone who considers this kind of contact a “relationship” isn’t playing with grown-ups just yet.

The difference between fifteen and seventeen is huge; the difference between fifteen and nineteen is enormous, but the difference between fifteen and twenty-one is a great yawning chasm of gritty experience.

Just chill the fuck out and enjoy your learner’s permit.

You’ll be in the fast lane soon enough.

Yo, so my dealer wants to fuck me, badly. I’m not into him at all, which usually wouldn’t be the biggest problem, but I really don’t want to fuck up our business relationship: he gets pretty phenom stuff and sells to me at discounted prices because we’ve known each other for a while. We made out once three years ago, he went all Fatal Attraction on me and I realized he wanted it to turn into a relationship, and I was like “woah, I was wasted, I make out with everybody, calm down.” I’m just not a commitment kinda gal. Fast forward to three weeks ago, I made the same drunken mistake of kissing him (I realize I shouldn’t have done that, but drunk me isn’t the best at decisions), and once again, he won’t step off. I’ve ignored his phone calls and denied his requests to hang out one-on-one. He’s a nice guy, I just don’t want to fuck him. I do, however, want to remain a customer. I’m stopping by his place tomorrow to make a purchase, and I’m pretty positive he will try something. How do I tell him to back off without offending him and ruining my best connection?

Sister, if I had a fucking nickel. Ugh!

Let me tell you, this kind of shit happens to me all the time. Honestly, I have yet to meet a dealer who didn’t have a warped sense of propriety when it came to female customers.

It’s not so much a sense of entitlement, but these guys are so used to actual coke whores they just start thinking that all girls are that easy to get.

Your dealer needs a pussy reality check, and there’s no easy way to do it.

It’s going to be awkward, but I suggest a strong, simple version of, “I’m not available. Please don’t pursue me sexually.”

Keep it respectful and amicable, but be crystal clear.

If he stops giving you a good price, call him out on it. “You mean the only reason you were giving me a discount is because you wanted to fuck me? That’s not cool, I thought we were friends.”

We all know the truth, but there’s no harm in shaming your way back to friend rates. Remember, he needs good customers more than you need good blow.

Good luck.

My roommate is such an attention whore. I’m an easy going gal, and anytime I bring any of my friends over to the room, she has to turn up the volume on her personality. She won’t shut up, she’ll interrupt me with squeals from the other side of the room, just to get everyone’s attention. It never bothered me, but she just does it ALL THE TIME. It kind of makes me afraid to bring anyone back to the room, because I know she just won’t leave us alone. What should I do?

Tell her to shut the fuck up.

It’s easy. Say it with me: bitch, shut the fuck up.

My girlfriend wants us to have a threesome, and having a penis, I have no problem with this. We have no issues getting girls to hang out with us, but is there a way to bring up having a threesome without scaring the other girl off (which has happened before)?

It’s pretty simple. Don’t be creepy, shut the fuck up, and let your girl do the talking. If it’s her idea, then she’ll make it happen.

Bring your A game if she asks for your help, but never forget the cardinal rule: it’s all about the girls!

Once again for the cheap seats: it’s all about the girls. I really can’t stress this enough.

Speaking from personal experience, the best thing about threesomes with a couple is the positive female energy.

It’s rare for two girls who aren’t already friends to wade through all the catty bullshit, establish trust, and find a connection worthy of getting their freak on. That’s what you’re really celebrating.

It’s nice that the guy is there, and sex is always fun, but a loving mental and emotional connection with another woman is what makes it special.

My favorite couples are always the ones where the guy isn’t pushy and the girl sets the pace, so get comfortable with the notion that your penis is not the star of this fantasy.

Your penis isn’t even a co-star. At most, your penis is the wacky neighbor who gets to burst in and say a couple of lines. That’s it.

(And like any actor with a bit part, shut up and smile, because you’re lucky to have the job.)

I’m throwing a housewarming next weekend. The guy I’m casually seeing, my ex and my fuck buddy are all coming. Should I give the ex and fuck buddy some sort of warning that I’m seeing someone new? Or am I making too big a deal out of it and the guys won’t care anyway?

I don’t care how cool your boys are or how much warning you give, the reptilian part of their brains are only thinking two things: new cave and old pussy.

In other words, there’s nothing you can do to avoid a bunch of primitive territory marking behavior.

If you want to nip the problem in the bud, I suggest you invite all three of them to the nearest tree. Whichever guy can pee the highest gets to fuck you that night.

I met this guy three weeks ago and he’s really great: kind, great in bed, attentive… and he has a girlfriend. WELL, it’s more complicated than that. He dated a girl that graduated from our school last year and she high-tailed it to another country and will be there until February. Thus, they’re in an “open relationship” until then. Should I drop this guy ASAP? I feel like our relationship/tryst/whatever has an expiration date on it and that he’s only using me for sex. But another part of me likes spending time with him. We’re not only hook-up buddies either, so it’s not like I’m getting the “booty-text” every night at 2 AM. What do you think?

He’s respectful? Open? Great in bed? If it were me, I’d fuck him silly through New Years and when the girlfriend comes back in February, I’d offer them a threesome for Valentines day. Why? Because I know I could handle it.

Every relationship has an expiration date, so don’t fear it. Just enjoy your time with him and be cool. The girlfriend’s return doesn’t have to be sticky or awkward. In fact, by being the cool chick, you can take away a lot of the girlfriend’s power to affect that expiration date.

In other words, don’t try and steal him. Don’t get possessive. Just rock his world, and more than likely she’ll be the one who has to steal him back.

Actually, that’s where the threesome come in. I’m serious about that. Offering up a Valentine’s day threesome will checkmate the entire love triangle. Here’s how it works:

If you offer a threesome and she’s not into it, then you’ve forced his hand without being possessive. He has to pick either you or her.

If he picks you, you win.

If he picks her, the threesome offer will burn a hole of regret through his male ego within a month, and you will have sabotaged their relationship by being the cool chick. Not the best outcome, but satisfying nonetheless.

On the other hand, if you offer a threesome and she’s into it, then suddenly you’re the one setting the agenda.

Give them both orgasms, and at that point, you can pretty much take the relationship any direction you want. It doesn’t matter if you’re sharing him, because you’re the one in control.

I know this sounds a bit devious, but it’s not. This isn’t black magic. None of it will work if you’re malicious. It’s all just a complicated variation on the “kill ‘em with kindness” method.

Of course, my plan requires that you at least be willing to eat a little pussy. I don’t know. I guess I kind of take that shit for granted these days.

Whatever. Just have fun.

My fiancee just started to smoke opium just the other night. Before she could even finish telling me about it I found myself worried. I don’t know her reasons for wanting to smoke opium other then trying to escape her own reality. I love her beyond love if such a thing is possible. I will also tell you that she has been diagnosed with a bipolar disorder. When she gets mad she gets real mad, when she gets sad…well you get the idea. Such an emotional roller coaster but its coming to a point where I do not know if I can hold on anymore. She would undoubtedly say that I tell her what to do or try to control her life when i merely voice a concern. To her it feels like i am attacking her all the time. All this is taking its toll not just on me but on us. I am passive-aggressive. It does not help. I find myself just letting go of my concern and continue to watch her live a life that is unhealthy for her. I want her to get better, i need to know she can take care of herself. She once told me that i am the only person she can depend on. It meant a lot when she told and still does. I am scared though my role in the relationship is nothing more then that guy that is ok with anything and will continue to love her no matter what. Well, correction i will love her no matter what. The truth is that love can account for everything in a relationship that is supposed to be equal, swing both ways with the understanding that we would do anything for each other. I dont know what to do anymore. Sometimes things are great but there is always something that stops us from being truly happy. I feel like i am fighting fate. An idea of we are not meant to be together but we still try too. Its work so much work. I will talk to close friends about my thoughts and some agree that enough is enough. I feel like it is close. I am on the tipping point. On one hand i want to be there for her, to help her, to love her, to spend the rest of my life with her. On the other hand, quite honestly i feel like she will bring us both down. I am so forgiving that i feel like she is taking advantage of me. Even right now my love for her outweighs the want to break up with her. I want to take care of her.

I should also state that i live in NJ and she lives in MI. She is 21 and i am 26. I feel like we wont live together for sometime.

I just feel like she refuses to help herself. She has openly admitted she has a problem but refuses to do anything about it. She once told me that she would never change. I hope she does but i am starting to believe she wont. She may feel like its too hard for her. Though will always look for a way out. Bail on people and herself all the time. I thought i was helping her get out of the darkness but i feel like she is only slipping further into to it. Last night when i voice my concerned about her smoking opium was out of love and concern for her health. She told not be concerned and that she will take care of herself. I dont think she can.

I am not sure if any of this makes sense. I dont know what to do. All i know is that i dont want to lose her.

Love? Fuck that. You are in a codependent long distance relationship with a bipolar junkie who will fill your life with misery and chaos right up until the day that you cut her out of it.

This is not opinion or conjecture. This is brutal truth.

It sucks that you’re so in love, because it’s clouding your judgement. I’m sure everyone else in your world is biting their tongue wondering why you put up with all the crazy drama.

You’re also a classic enabler. When somebody says you’re the only person they can depend on, it’s a bad thing. Stop using childish language like, “I feel like I’m fighting fate,” and realize that all you’re doing is putting up with a soul-draining bitch out of some warped sense of obligation.

The long distance thing only makes it worse, because it allows you to idealize her. If you had to put up with her shit on a daily basis, you’d feel your soul draining much faster.

You want my advice? Fine.

End it now.

Unfortunately, you strike me as a bit of a douche. Not an asshole or anything. Just the kind of guy who listens to Creed, which means you probably don’t have the spine to do what needs to be done.

I don’t know. If you’re really on a tipping point, then maybe this advice from a stranger will finally tip you over.

Get the fuck out of the relationship now. Fall out of love later. Don’t worry, your balls will grow back.

Best of luck.

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now. He is extremely articulate, worldly, shares my strange sense of humor, love of illicit substances, outstandingly compatable tastes in literature/art/music, is an amazing artist on his way to grad school, kind and gentle, treats me like a princess, etc, and a well endowed, adorable Jewish boy. But he doesn’t know how to use it! Or his tongue. Or hands. I CAN NOT let this one go, out of the question, but how should I handle this?

This really isn’t a big deal. Man’s ability to adapt and learn is remarkable. All you have to do is train him. Use positive reinforcement, but give him explicit lessons in exactly how you want your lovin’.

Soften the initial blow by avoiding phrases like, “you don’t know what you’re doing.” Instead, give him a lot of not-his-fault style mantra such as, “no one ever taught you this.”

To protect his male ego, take on some of the blame yourself. After all, you’ve been with him for two years and you’ve never done anything about it until now.

Don’t be bashful. Don’t be apologetic. Demand he get it right. You can make it playful, but get him on a sex regimen where he doesn’t get gold stars unless you get orgasms.

Trust me, it’s worth the effort. In a few short months of increasingly pleasant exercises, you’ll have your very own customized lover boy.

What do you think the reason behind today’s youth using apathy as their greatest way to become cool/greatest defense mechanism is?

I don’t accept the premise of your question. If the cool kids in your world are apathetic, you’ve chosen poorly. I suggest you try idolizing a fresh batch of hipsters.

Every guy I have talked to within the last 5 months has brought up fucking before our first kiss. I find myself in a similar situation right now, and I actually kind of like this guy, and he has been a real gentleman up until this point. Well, he is still being sort of a gentleman, as much of a gentleman as someone could be when talking about plowing you.

Should I ditch him and wait for someone else to come along or should I stick around to see if he is at all different? I have two gut feelings and I am not sure which one to rely on.

I am looking for a relationship or someone I can date, not a fuck buddy.

Let him plow you, but tell him to watch out for that stick in your ass. Hell, if you’re lucky he’ll know how to work that stick while using your ponytail as a handle. You could use a little loosening up.

I can’t stand it when people keep lists of esoteric, unrealistic rules wherein “a gentleman doesn’t do this,” and “a lady doesn’t do that.”

So what if he brought up fucking before your first kiss? Was he funny? Was he clever? Was he sexy? If so, who cares if he didn’t live up to some silly bit of etiquette. Ignore your rules and focus on the situation.

You only have one gut feeling by the way — it’s the one telling you that you actually like this guy. The other feeling belongs to some external source — most likely your mother — that has you convinced how the world “should” be instead of how the world actually is.

Learn to tell the difference between that external source and your own instincts, and you’ll be a much happier person.