How much do you buy into the Western ideal of beauty? I mean, you do live in LA.
I don’t buy into it. I fucking sell it.

i had an audition today and i think i failed, how do i deal with nerves or rejection.
You’re fucked if you think blowing an audition is the same thing as failure. Not showing up is the only way you can fail.

Why don’t my nipples get perky anymore when I’m aroused?
Go back to rehab, Tiger Woods.

Have you ever found yourself attracted to someone you weren’t previously physically attracted to?
Yes. Although I’m much more likely to find myself unattracted to someone I was previously physically attracted to.

What’s your favorite thing to do when you masturbate?
Me, myself and I.

What’s your take on all the dead birds and fish popping up all over the world?
I was gonna wait for a rational explanation from the world’s best investigative biologists and ecologists, but apparently it’s because god hates fags.

Love you bitch.  Your tweets during the State of the Union were fucking amazing; keep at it.
Yeah, I really do get more political when I’m on my period.

Godless liberal.
Erryday.

What kind of girl were you in high school? Slut? Loner? Popular? Nerd? Outcast?
Yes.

How do you regain your dignity after you’ve lost it?
Dignity isn’t something you lose like pride or self-respect. It’s inherent. It’s philosophically innate.

What’s your idea of a nice date night?
I prefer a genuine human connection followed by a healthy round of athletic sex. The rest is just window dressing.

How do you know for a fact that there is no god or higher being?
How do you know for a fact that The Matrix was just a movie?

On my bucket list, the last thing left for me to do is burn a nice blunt with you, and chill. Make this happen?
When the Make-A-Wish Foundation contacts me, I’ll consider it.

How do I stop wasting time?
There’s no such thing.

Are you dead?
No, I’ve had the flu. Back up off my shit.

Are you racist?
No, some of my best friends are white.

Are you Mod from The Big Lebowski?
It’s Maude, you idiot.

Ryan Gosling or Ryan Reynolds?
Ryan Reynolds. I prefer funny over brooding. Plus, he’s rebounding off an A-lister. Dudes put off a lot of extra heat when coming out of that kind of orbit.

My boyfriend thinks it’s okay to hit me. Is it okay to do my best to kick his ass?
No, and it’s not okay to keep calling him your boyfriend either.

Should I be ashamed at showing my breasts for free drugs?
The drugs weren’t free, sweetie. You paid for them. Whether it was with your dignity is entirely up to you.

Why is virginity such a problem for some people?
Sex.

how can I be a classy slut?
Start by not using the words “classy” or “slut.”

Did you at one point in your life believe in God or felt the need to believe in a higher being?
Did you at one point in your life believe in Santa Claus?

What’s the proper response to “make me a sandwich”?
Cold cuts.

Thank God you’re just an insignificant voice on the internet.
And you’ll never stop reading.

What the hell do you do to be able to wear a five-thousand dollar watch?
Scrimp and save and never pay retail.

Do I message a guy I found on OK Cupid when I joined just for laughs?
Sure. Then date, fall in love, and get married. You know, just for laughs.

Who’s more your cup o’ tea: Conan or Colbert?
Colbert. I’ll take satire over farce any day of the week.

What do you think of Chelsea Handler?
I have a lot of respect for her game, but her current show is pretty unwatchable.

You don’t like Sandra Bullock?
Her movies are a shit stain on the fabric of our culture, but I don’t have anything against her personally.

Why do you think female drug dealers are less common than their male counterparts?
Plenty of bitches are in the game, but hey, the cartels don’t offer maternity leave.

How does one make balding sexy?
Balding isn’t sexy. Being bald can be if you’re black or Bruce Willis.

How do you feel about strippers?
Give me a dollar and I’ll tell you.

How does a woman masturbate? Its a question I’ve wanted the answer to for a long time, and I don’t know anyone I trust enough to give me an honest serious answer.
A woman masturbates with her vagina. Now go finish your homework.

What do you think of “the N word” being edited out of Huckleberry Finn?
The word is nigger. You can’t even type it? Fucking pussy.

Did you see Sophia Coppola’s Somewhere?
Fuck no. Why would I sit through that movie when I can have spoiled little rich girls bore me with their daddy issues at the Chateau Marmont any night of the week?

Is it ever appropriate to ask a man if he loves you?
Sweetie, if you have to ask…

Do you vajazzle?
Don’t be ridiculous.

Are you Banksy?
I said don’t be ridiculous.

Are you Janice Dickinson?
Are you fucking kidding me? That trainwreck is old enough to be my mother. Besides, narcissists don’t write advice columns. Especially not from rehab.

When do you draw the line and stop giving a person another chance?
Whenever you want, but first you clearly draw the line. That’s their chance. If they cross it, do what you gotta do.

when i like a guy i only like them for 2 week max, then i degrade them in my head and i get over them. is that normal?
It’s normal for an emotionally crippled teenager.

Epilators, yay or nay?
I’m personally content to wax and shave, but it you want to earn a masochist merit badge with a torture device invented by hairy, hardcore Israeli bitches, feel free to rip your shit out dry with a thousand tiny metal pinches.

I just saw “Crash”. Is LA really like that?
Yes. Los Angeles is nothing but a smug, pretentious object lesson. This whole city is just wall-to-wall racial stereotypes and Sandra Bullock acting like a privileged cunt.

I’m having an affair with a married man.  If we didn’t have sex the last time we were together, does that mean he has lost interest?
What am I, the psychic friends network? How the fuck am I supposed to know what’s going on in his head?

What are you wearing tonight?
A hot little Alexander Wang silk-chiffon dress, black with side cut-outs, and my new pair of United Nude Ultra Loop Booties.

Aren’t you afraid that people will recognize you by your nails, watches, fingerless gloves etc.?
I fear you underestimate my sneakiness. I am very very sneaky.

Why cant I have my cake and eat it too?
Exactly.

i fell in love with someone on tumblr what should i do?
Tumble on.

So as of right now, are you the White Swan, Black Swan, or Dying Swan?
It’s an inseparable trinity. I’m all three. Always have been, always will be.

Who taught you your party tricks? I was reading your blog and passed the post on how to insert ecstasy in a friend’s anus—I’m kind of amazed.
Yeah, well. I’m kind of amazing. Doctors, lawyers, and candidates for high political office all taught me my party tricks. I learned the best of the worst from the worst of the best.

Negotiating an open relationship because your partner is a mediocre lover – coping or cop out?
It’s coping if you’re honest with him about why you’re not satisfied, otherwise it’s copping out.

The second I am done “hooking up” with a girl I immediately find her unattractive, its awful because I would like a meaningful relationship but once something sexual happens I am no longer able to view her in a romantic way… what is wrong with me?!?!
You hate yourself.

How do you respond to a new ager at a coffee shop that makes fun of you for being “too wired?”
Too much coffee? Too many peripherals? I dunno, throw your scalding hot mocha latte in his face and then choke him out with a firewire cable.

Is it ever advisable to just say to a guy “DO YOU LIKE ME? SERIOUSLY WHAT IS GOING ON?”
Yeah. Write it on a note, add a check box for yes or no, and then pass it to him during study hall.

Should I be bothered that my boyfriend bought his friends and co-workers christmas gifts, but not me?
Fuck should. It bothers you or it doesn’t. Don’t ask me to tell you how you feel.

“If you say that the history of the Church is a long succession of scandals, you are telling the truth, though if that is all you say, you are distorting the truth.” – Gerald Vann
“Whatever, dude. I’m gonna go blow a rail off a drummer’s cock while you sit there with something to prove.” – Coke Talk

Why do smart, beautiful women get stuck in abusive relationships (physical and emotional)?
Because brains and beauty ain’t got shit to do with crazy.

Chloë Sevigny or Liv Tyler?
Liv Tyler.

How can I fit more lizards in my pumpkin?
You’re gonna need a pair of pliers and a set of thirty weight ball bearings.

Why do douchebag republicans want to take abortion rights away?
Because they are ignorant and religious.

How do you feel about militant atheists?
Religious zealots are the ones who have a long, violent history of being militant. Using that word to describe atheists is silly.

How can my mom deny that “men only want one thing” is sexist? What do I do as a woman when she says shit like this? I get really offended at it.
Tell her to shut up and get back in the kitchen. Kidding. You should really just stop giving a fuck what your mom thinks.

Great, now I feel bad for having a one night stand to lose my virginity and get it over with.
If you remember the experience fondly you’ve got nothing to feel bad about.

What are the cities that matter, if NY, LA and San Fran don’t count?Could it be the trifecta of cities I lived in? Portland, then Chicago and finally Seattle? Who am I kidding?
Portland, Chicago, and Seattle are lovely. So are Austin, Nashville, and Miami. We could do this all day, but as you said, who are we kidding?

Is that a real picture of you on whore talk? It looks almost exactly how I pictured you.
It’s the tragically beautiful and batshit Edie Sedgwick.

Are you going to accept “sponsors” on your beauty blog?
Fuck no. You can’t buy a spot on Whore Talk, because I’m not an actual whore. Gifts are welcome, but my opinion is not for sale.

Does this now mean less existentialism and more materialism?
The two aren’t the least bit mutually exclusive.

I take back the label whore thing, thanks for the ASOS link, I’m looking at a $24 dress.
I know what I’m doing, babe. I can chainsaw through T.J. Maxx just as easily as Maxfield, and I added a deals category to Whore Talk just for you.

Your nailpolish is SEX. What is it?
That look is my own secret recipe, but you can duplicate it by layering “Show It & Glow It” on top of “Let Me Entertain You” from the OPI Burlesque collection.

Olivia Wilde or Megan Fox?
Wild or crazy?

I think you’re my Tyler Durden.
Get some sleep.

Do you think letting die is the same as killing?
They are passive and active versions of a willful act resulting in death. Similar, but not at all the same.

I don’t exactly understand what’s wrong with being a liberal.
Odds are you don’t understand what’s right about it either.

I love to drink… but the hangovers seem to be getting worse and worse. shit. any advice?
Figure out what it is you really love instead.

If I have to question whether he’s flirting or not, that means he’s not flirting, right?
Maybe, or it could just mean that one of you isn’t very good at it.

Every time I try to write to you about something real I end up deleting my message.
Come at me, bro.

When is it okay to lie to someone you love and respect?
A good rule of thumb is that if you have to ask yourself this question, now is not the time.

Would you rather live your life in the comfort zone, the challenge zone or the panic zone?
The challenge zone is my comfort zone, big guy.

So I’m a college student without a lot of extra cash to spend on clothes. What’s the best way to reconcile low funds with a desire to dress well?
It’s called style. Have some.

After he describes how I’m attractive and intelligent, what does it mean when he says “I’m not in a great place right now?”
It means, “fuck off and die.”

Fuck it, bad boys are fun!
Not when you’re badder.

what’s the exact right amount of hard to get?
This hard.

How long is too long to fuck a married man before becoming a cliche?
This long.

How large do you think your penis would be if you had one?
This big.

are we allowed to objectify men?
I’ll allow it.

Favourite place for a vacation?
On top of Jon Hamm.

You are drunk, horny, or both.
You bet your ass I am.

Realising your complete and utter insignificance in the grand scheme of things. Wisdom or depression?
Freedom.

I have a biology presentation tomorrow and I’m a nervous nelly, how do I relax and make it seem like I know what I’m doing?
Not give a fuck.

What do I do about being a young girl who’s only attracted to older women?
Get a fake ID.

Why don’t people do mdma everyday like they do coke?
Serotonin ain’t dopamine.

What’s your poison?
Boredom.

Natalie Portman or Atlanta de Cadenet? and why?
Love ‘em both, and it really depends on whether the extra ticket is for Broadway box seats or backstage Coachella.

What’s your favourite genre of porn?
Anything by Jack the Zipper, Joanna Angel, or Andrew Blake.

Oh come on, there’s nothing less sexy than porn. It’s so boring. No ok, politicians are usually less sexy. But you get the point.
Yes, I get the point. You get easily bored unless you have everyone’s undivided attention, so you pout and act too cool to watch other people fuck. There’s one like you at every party, babe.

dude i know im cleaner than you since i dont fuck various men slash women and the fact i dont blow rails off rock hard cock.
Whatever, dude. I wash my ass with fancier soap than you.

What’s a good theme for a winter formal dance?
Porn!

I feel like watching movies with you would be the best experience ever.
Porn?

Would you please give me some tips on how to survive the holidays?
Porn. (And egg nog.)

England or Scotland? Seriously, it’s like Wales doesn’t even exist. Poor us.
You’ve got those two hot Princes though, right? (Come on, that was funny.)

You only answer the questions I ask when I’ve been drinking heavily.  Do you think this is some sort of alcohol-induced cosmic connection?
Odds are, we’re both pretty loosened up.

How old were you when you first got your hands on Ayn Rand?
About the same age as when I first got my hands on Judy Blume.

What do you feel you are personally not qualified to comment on or give advice about?
Qualified by whom? Last time I checked there was no board certification for talking shit on the internet.

Is La Perla your preferred lingerie provider? Any other suggestions?
I tend to get La Perla as a gift, which is great, but when I’m buying for myself, I pretty much always go with Agent Provocateur.

You say the blame in things going wrong is 50/50 and can be worked out if we just talked. They scream ‘fuck you’ and yell it’s all your fault. At that point can you just walk away?
Not if you’re under arrest. Otherwise, it’s your call.

Do you owe your close friends the duty of telling them that the guy they are dating is a bratty man child? Or do you allow them to make their own choices?
You owe your close friends the duty of not being a cunt. Good luck.

What constitutes a lie? If someone were to keep something from someone else, a secret that the other person probably should know, is that lying?
Omitting truth isn’t lying, but it’s still a willful act. It’s deception. Act accordingly.

I currently like a guy, but we’re both too shy to do anything about it. Are we doomed to just being friends?
Invite him over for movie night. Watch Paper Heart. It’s all about love and being doomed by shyness. It’s also incredibly boring, so after the first twenty minutes I suggest you go down on him.

I’ve always been fairly “square” but I’m getting into my prescription drugs. Not abusing them…just using them a little more than I need. Am I on the highway to hell or stairway to heaven?
You’re on the escalator to hyperbole.

Espresso or cappuccino or tea? In other words, what’s in the fucking mug?
Purple drank!

Your opinion of Mark Kostabi as a person, artist, and businessman?
Kostabi is the Kat Stacks of the art world.

Did you really compare yourself to Andy Warhol?
I dunno, did I really compare Britney Spears to Marilyn Monroe?

Is the American political system broken?
On behalf of whom?

Do you believe it is okay for someone who does philanthropic work (such as physically giving back to the community in some way) to be self-righteous?
Um, are you asking my permission to act like an asshole for doing a little charity work?

Do you feel that making life decisions that aren’t necessarily the best for you but best for your relationship can ever be justified?
Sure, all day long. It’s called codependency. Have fun!

Why do you think most people are so against ‘open relationships’?
They find it threatening to what is ultimately a false sense of security.

Do you think anyone can ever be fully self-aware?
Not without dropping the self part.

Why is the grass always greener?
Because you cast a shadow.

USC or UCLA?
Well, do you want to spend four years in Downtown LA or Westwood? Everything else is just window dressing.

He dropped me like a New Year’s resolution. Unfortunately, he was my bad habit. Any advice? 
New Year’s is coming up, and bad habits are easy to find. Fuck it.

Your fun sized advice is no longer fun sized.
Was that better, bitch?