What do you have against adverbs?
Nothing. I don’t have anything against beer either, but these are college kids. We’re not talking about a couple of cold ones after work. We’re talking about keg stands in a frat house basement.

I have a crush and it’s distracting me from achieving my goals, what should I do?
Choose.

What does it take to be successful in this day and age?
Success.

bitch, i fucking love you. come to vegas and party with me.
Tiger Woods, quit actin’ all divorced and shit.

Why do I like watching America’s Next Top Model?
Because one day, smoldering cracks will appear under Tyra’s cheekbones. Her hair will burst into flames and her demon mask will melt away with a sulphured glow as the models and judges run screaming for their lives, and on that day, you will be watching.

Suck my motherfucking dick you dumb fucking scumbag whore.
Look down at your WWJD bracelet and know that you’re doing it wrong.

What response can you give to a nosy relative who keeps telling you that you’re not acting prim, proper and ladylike?
Sweetheart, you’re basically asking for a transcript of my Thanksgiving holiday.

I hate Sarah Palin, she’s a fucking idiot. Why am I so jealous of Bristol?
You’re not jealous of Bristol. You’re envious of her, which means you resent and feel desire for her perceived advantages. Both feeling that way and not knowing the difference kinda makes you an idiot too.

This guy gives me vibes that he really likes me, kisses me, but now he tells me he just wants to be friends and to keep our options open. WTF?
Yeah, that’s how it goes. What do you want? Go write some country music.

Are you concerned about levamisole turning up in your nose candy? I certain am.
Ugh. You’re the girl who asks if it’s okay to take more than one Aleve for the headache she got from blowing a half dozen rails up the same nostril. Babe. It’s fucking cocaine. The shit’s already dangerous. How are you this easy to scare?

You’re getting predictable and boring.
I’m glad you said something. I’ve felt the same way for a while now. In fact, I’m relieved I can finally get this off my chest — I think we should break up. We can still follow each other, but I think it’s time we both started reading other blogs. No, wait. Please don’t cry. I know you can be mature about this.

Does everyone look the same in LA?
Yes. Everyone. We are all just David Bowie with different hair.

I’m an intelligent 20 year old girl who is desperately trying to mature and do some actual growing up. Any advice?
Quit desperately trying to mature and just mature. In fact, let’s see if you can give up using all the words that end in -ly.

How can I make my blog more amazing, like yours, but without all the swearing?
Start by reevaluating your notion of profanity.

Coke or diet coke?
Yeah. Wouldn’t it be hilarious if all this turned out to be underground marketing for the coca-cola corporation? Ew, just typing that gave me the shivers.

Don’t you feel guilty about the oil related wars that your Government is and will be fighting to maintain your lifestyle?
Fuck no. There’s a big difference between my government and my country, and it takes more than a passive-aggressive question to elicit a shame response in someone like me.

If you were to make a mix CD/tape for your primary love interest, what would be your top ten choices for songs?
Dude, you might as well ask for pics of me blowing him. That shit’s personal.

Is Sasha Grey a feminist?
I wouldn’t presume to speak for her, but if Sasha feels strongly either way about the movement, she’s earned the soapbox upon which she can stand.

I don’t want to date him, but I don’t want him to date anyone else. Thoughts?
Um, sucks to be you? Did you remember to take your pills? Put down the knife? I dunno, take your pick.

Who the hell am I? And where the fuck am I going?
Nobody. Nowhere. Fuck it. Have a sandwich.

I think I just made friends with the New Zealander version of you… she recently commented that a hipster bartender looked like he had escaped Auschwitz and gone to fashion school. Gold!
Tell that cracked out kiwi that what’s good enough for the von Furstenbergs is good enough for your hipster bartender. Shots!

Do you believe that we are capable of being happy for longer than a few moments?
Oh, what’s really going to bake your noodle later on is, would you still have asked this question if you knew there was no other moment than the present?

Define Hipster.
Everyone who’s heard of the band called The Missing Footnote.*

How can I make more people respect my art?
Don’t suck.

What do you make of the New World Order conspiracies?
Fun.

What’s the difference between romantic and creepy? I can’t tell.
Not being able to tell.

Favorite country you’ve ever been to?
I’m standing in it.

Falling for your best friend: worth a shot or guaranteed to end badly?
Exactly.

I just put an ad for kinky sex on craigslist. I don’t know how I should feel about it.
About three years late to the party.

Does jealousy always imply feelings?
No. Jealousy always implies weakness.

Hope you’re enjoying working on your brand you pathetic sow.
Fuck yeah, I’m having a blast. Hope you enjoy being a hater.

Many of my friends have told me that you never really get over someone until you find someone else. Do you agree?
Many of your friends are codependent idiots. Do you agree?

What do you think about Kristin Davis for New York governor?
Please. She’s a reality show clown of a madam who got busted and started reading Ayn Rand in prison. Thing is, she’s smart. If the bitch would finish her masters thesis in something other than The Virtue of Selfishness and then lay off the collagen and peroxide, she might end up on cable news.

What’s a classy way of rejecting guys that try to pick you up at a bar?
Six little words. “I’m flattered, but I’m not available.”

I’m moving to LA to be an actor. Any tips?
Shut up and bring me the menu. Just kidding, you’re gonna be a star.

how can i loose 10 pounds before thanksgiving
With a guillotine.

How do you decide to end a relationship of 5 years?
Babe, you just did.

How do you decide when to acknowledge hate mail and when to just not let it see the light of day outside your inbox?
You’d be surprised how much the lunar cycle plays a role in such things.

If the existence of god/heaven/hell were definitely proven, would you go to church and worship?
If the existence of the Aztec gods Huitzilopochtli and Tezcatlipoca were definitely proven, would you participate in human sacrifice and ritual cannibalism?

So, oh wise one, how would YOU get a boyfriend?
First know why, then the how will follow.

Do you whip your hair back and forth?
Don’t let haters keep me off my grind.

What’s your IQ?
I don’t know, but it’s probably better than my credit score.

My boyfriend cheated on me. What the fuck should I do now?
How badly do you need holiday companionship? Your call, babe.

What to do with guys who constantly use “you’re gay” as a cheap insult?
Nothing. Pick your battles, kids. There will never be enough mops in the world to soak up all the stupid.

How would you classify legitimate teenage rebellion?
A rare and beautiful thing. Wholly original unto itself. Intensely personal and dangerous. The direct polar opposite to the sanitized, corporatized, pre-packaged lessons in consumerism masked as faux teenage rebellion stacking the shelves in galleria shit holes like Hot Topic.

Are you really Dolly Parton deflating all the rage out of your boobs?
Rage? How dare you. That O.G. diva badass and her majestic boobs are filled with nothin’ but love, peace, and bacon grease.

Cold Stone Creamery is amazing.
So is cocaine, but I’ve got enough fucking dignity and class not to ask my dealer for the “Gotta Have It” size.

Did you know that you’re #23 in the Top 100 Sex Bloggers of 2010?
Holy shit. Had no idea. Pretty cool.

Is it wrong to not be entirely honest with my shrink to get a free prescription of anti-depressants?
Nothing’s free. It will cost you. Your call.

I had a dream I met you last night. It rocked.
Of course it did.

What’s the difference between playing hard to get and being hard to get?
What’s the difference between Joan Holloway and Christina Hendricks?

What does it feel like to die?
It really depends on your state of consciousness at the time, but don’t worry, asshole, you’ll find out.

i wonder what it feels like to be a big giant whore.
Ask your mom.

What crosses your mind the moment you unzip his pants and find his cock is uncircumcised?
Why the fuck do you people keep insisting that I should care about this?

why is it so hard to find a job?
Because the global economy is slowly collapsing as it runs out of oil. No biggie.

What’s the last book you read?
The Moral Landscape. I wanna have a million of Sam Harris’s babies. Seriously, though. I think one day Sam will be known as the father of a new field of Moral Science. If I were in academia, I’d consider devoting my career to that field.

Do you call yourself a humanist?
Not unless I’m making fun of myself at a gallery opening.

Break-up season? WTF is break-up season?
January 1st through February 15th. The forty five day window immediately following the stress of the holidays, bolstered by the resolve of new years resolutions, and culminating in all the Valentines day bullshit. Mark your calendars, kids.

What is love?
Baby, don’t hurt me — don’t hurt me — no more.

Truth or dare?
Do either one with style and you can’t tell the difference.

God, is that you?
You’re getting a little too old for this shit, Margaret.

Do you actually say shit like this in real life?
All up in yo’ face, mofo.

You’re starting to sound more and more frustrated at the blog. 🙁
What can I say? Some days my tampon string is a fuse.

How many hits does dearcoketalk get a day?
Huh. Never thought I’d get nostalgic for a simpler time when people would just ask what kind of car you drove.

Thoughts on the Duke student’s sexual encounters?
Karen Owen is the poster child for why I stay anonymous.

How do you differentiate being confident and just being plain vain?
Confidence isn’t spiteful when it’s hungry. Vanity is.

Did you advise to “stop using semicolons” because they were used incorrectly, or because you consider their use to be pretentious?
How about we just call it an hommage to Vonnegut?

is it wrong for women to masturbate? Men talk about it openly but what about us women?
Are you kidding me? I just peeled one off in honor of this question. Can we talk openly about getting caught having to answer our iPhones while masturbating? Now there’s a sticky situation. *rimshot*

What does fun sized mean?
Smaller than the regular size. (Originally a reference to Halloween candy.)

What were you like as a teenager?
Fun sized.

What do you wear to a foam party? I’m a girl…
Shame.

I picture you looking like Brody Dalle. Am I even close?
Whatever gets you off.

Why do you think scientology is so popular with celebrities?
Location, location, location.

What do you think about crazy Lohan?
She’s a good soul born to monsters and poisoned by fame.

Sex on ketamine?
A kitty party? Fuck yes. Dangerous, though.

Will you be my life coach?
Sure, if you can afford me.

I need followers.
No you don’t.

Do your peers know about this successful blog?
Nope. Only a tiny handful of my closest friends.

Why do you use the serial comma?
It’s just the way I was raised.

Which in your opinion is better, the east coast or west coast?
East. West. Can’t we both just agree that the middle sucks?
(Just kidding red states.)

blah blah God doesn’t exist blah blah we get it.
can you move on? You’re getting so predictable.
Ten billion web pages out there. Pick another one any time you like, bitch.

Your mom’s a bitch.
That may be, but I fucked your dad.

Humility is not your strong point, is it?
If you were paying any attention at all, you would know my philosophy is built on a foundation of transcendent humility that embraces my utter insignificance in an unimaginably vast universe, but hey, whatever. I get that this is your cunty little way of calling me arrogant. Hope you feel super cool about that.

Would you fuck Banksy?
My instinct isn’t to reward artists with my vagina when I respect their work.

You should start your own political party. I’d rally the fuck out of that shit.
My dream ticket? Jon Stewart for President of the United States, Bill Maher for Governor of California, and Adam Carolla for Mayor of Los Angeles. I have more faith in court jesters than kings.

How do you manage to work full time and still have a personality?
I’m just fucking fabulous like that, I guess.

Should I apply to model naked for Terry Richardson?
Apply to college or for a job, not to be hipster camera meat.

What is your opinion of Glenn Beck?
Like all evil clowns, he probably eats children.

Christ on a cracker! Where do you get off?
Now I’m imagining a party tray of little messiah hors d’oeuvres.

Why do people get married?
Cultural programming.

Should I get a kitten?
No. Get a puppy.

I’m making him wait to fuck me. Bad idea?
Not if it’s your step dad.

how rude is it to say “that it ?” when the guy comes a few minutes in.
Rude. Hilarious. It really depends on your inflection.

What is your favorite insult?
Total fucking indifference.

Is sex boring to you?
Not mine.

when do I stop fucking all my guy friends?
December 21st, 2012

Are the questions we ask anonymous?
Unless you tell me your name, yes.

What is your definition of a whore?
Someone who puts a price on their integrity.

Why do you choose to remain anonymous?
It’s more fun this way, no?

It just occurred to me that you could be an Asian with big breasts. 
Like I said, it’s more fun this this way.

Is it true that people like you invented love to sell nylons?
People like Don Draper invented love to sell nylons. People like me invented nylons to sell love.

Where is your favorite place to shop for lingerie?
Paris.

You seem like you’ll talk about mostly anything on your blog. Is there anything you’re shy discussing?
Canadian indie artists.

What’s your opinion on Canadian indie artists?
*blush*

What is an appropriate response to “You look tired!”?
A smile that says, “fuck off and die.”

Do you think Jesus ever existed?
The historical evidence is thin.

I’m 15 going on 16. Does my love life matter?
Not to me, but that shouldn’t stop you.

What do you do when all your 19 year old peers start getting married?
Get some new peers.

Do you have sex with women or men more?
Yes.

Have you ever been paid to fuck?
Have you ever been paid to fuck off?

Yo, bitch. Why you do like you do?
Um, why do you paint on your eyebrows?

So what does it take to win the human race?
Contrary to all you’ve been taught, it’s not a competition.

How much would I have to pay you to see and know who you are?
Like my mamma always said, if you have to ask the price, you can’t afford it.

Does cocaine feel like love?
No. At best, it feels like sex.

Why is Lindsay being released from jail?
Like most people incarcerated in this country, she doesn’t belong there.

How do you separate sexual desires from real feelings?
Sexual desires are real feelings.

I think the meaning of life is orgasm; what do you think?
I think searching for purpose between your legs leads to shallow philosophy.

You’re an ignorant cunt.
Namaste.

Why the fuck do I feel so lost all the time?
Because you’re uncomfortable with your mortality.

Will I get a boyfriend soon?
What am I, a fucking magic eight ball?

What do you think of paramore?
It’s Hot Topic flavored bubblegum pop, but Haley Williams is talented enough to end up with a decent solo career one day.

I want a blow job from you.
Get in line.

Why do I keep giving people head?
Either because you enjoy it, or they pay you. Otherwise, quit it.

How do you feel about poets?
Refer to yourself as a poet, and I will call you a pretentious fuck right to your face. Show me your poetry instead, and I will feel accordingly.

Is it, “An hour”, or “A hour”?
Since the H is silent I prefer “an hour,” but either way, it’s still five hundred bucks.