Why do you follow Sarah Palin’s Twitter if you hate that bitch so much?
Ignoring a problem doesn’t make it go away.

Bad time to be hispanic in America, huh?
Nope. Despite Fox News, this is the best time to be anything in America.

What makes the world go round?
Angular momentum.

How do you feel about BDSM?
Owie!

Do you think that being bisexual is selfish?
No, being monogamous is.

You’re a man. Yes or no?
No, but I get asked this a lot when I write about open relationships.

Have you ever had any sort of cosmetic surgery?
Yes, I had the go fuck yourself procedure done a few years ago.

do you know of any video online of two virgins having sex for the first time?
You’re startin’ to get a little creepy there, Tiger Woods.

In all dead seriousness, should I spit or swallow?
Didn’t your mother teach you that spitting was rude?

What’s your take on the world ending in 2010?
I think you need to double check your Mayan calendar.

With this economy, what job positions do you recommend, then?
Geriatrics. Taking care of old people is all our generation will have left.

I hate my life, what should I do about it?
See if the feds will let you enter witness protection just for fun.

How does one act graceful right after being dumped?
Avoid contact. Rebound in public. Cry in private.

Have you ever used a female condom for sexual intercourse?
The female condom is the Area 51 of contraception. For the longest time it was a myth, and even though we know it exists today, no one has ever seen it except on the internet.

Are you team Edward or team Jacob?
Kill yourself.

What’s the difference between a libertarian and a conservative?
A medical marijuana card.

I have a small penis. What should I do?
Stay in shape and make a lot of money.

What do you think of the Illuminati??
Oh, please. I am the fake lashes on the Eye of Providence.

Why are pro-life people being so mean and stupid?
That’s how people get when they think god is on their side.

stop answering religious questions. they make me want to punch you in the face.
Oh, hey Jesus.

Every time I drink, I want coke. Is there any remedy to this?
Yes. Coke.

Isn’t coke a bit of a waste of time?
Quit looking at your watch, asshole.

Do you believe truth is subjective?
Shut up and keep licking.

Is it true that I have cold feet because my vagina lets out all the heat?
Yes, and if you tape your vagina shut, your shoes won’t fit anymore.

Do you ever feel insecure about yourself?
Of course I do. All the time. Everyone does.

How many times should one be cheated on before leaving a relationship?
However many times your dignity will allow plus one.

You’re so full of shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit but everyone buys it. Ay.
It must be difficult being so much better than everyone else.

Are you black or white?
I bet this gets Michael Jackson stuck in everyone’s head.

How do you feel about Lady Gaga?
I’d fuck her.

What are your thoughts on Courtney Love?
I wouldn’t fuck her.

Why is Justin Bieber alive?
Because you haven’t killed him yet.

What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done during sex?
My nails.

How do you differentiate between healthy confidence and narcissism?
Empathy.

I’m bored with sex. Any suggestions?
Fuck more interesting people.

Why do men leave when things get tough?
Things? No, no. They leave when you get tough.

If you get a blowjob, are you still a virgin?
If you have to ask, you’re still a virgin.

What do you hate more than anything?
Willful ignorance.

Have you ever been threatened with death?
Yes. Didn’t happen, though.

if you die, I wish you go to heaven.
Wish all you want, it ain’t gonna happen.

Were you raised in a religious environment?
You mean America? Yeah.

Do you believe in karma?
I believe in causality as it relates to physics, not metaphysics.

When is it time to give up?
About ten minutes after you’re dead.

Do you make any money from blogging?
Not a fucking nickel.

What is the difference between “fucking” and “making love?”
Hallmark.

How do you deal with pretentious assholes?
Relentless mind fucking followed by total disregard.

What do you think of Dr. Phil?
I don’t think of him. Ever.

I can’t stop fucking procrastinating.
Try putting it off for a few days.

Is riding my bike bad for my vagina?
Please never have children.

I hate everyone. What do I do?
Kill yourself.

What if I don’t get over her?
Kill yourself.

Women are less than men, deal with it.
You have a tiny penis. Kill yourself.

I’m religious but I love masturbating. How do I reconcile the two?
There is no man in the sky watching you be naughty.

Why don’t you believe in god?
Why don’t you believe in Santa Claus?

Do you believe in extraterrestrials?
In a Discovery Channel sort of way.

hi. just wondering, are you racist?
No, but I’m not politically correct either.

What the fuck is wrong with being politically correct?
It protects the worst among us, the easily offended.

Are you happy?
I’m on the pursuit.

Do you think sex should have meaning?
Sweetie, life doesn’t even have meaning. Enjoy yourself.

If all jobs made the same salary, what would you do for a living?
Start a capitalist revolution.

What’s the best way to travel internationally with ecstasy?
In a private jet.

Are you afraid of getting old?
No. I’m afraid of looking old.

What’s a serious dealbreaker?
No, no. That’s their thing.

Do you believe in an afterlife or do you think this life is all we have?
This is it. Enjoy.

Are you really Dolly Parton?
Don’t be an idiot.

Are you Chelsea Handler?
Come on, really?

What should I use my vagina for?
Storage.

Do you believe successful monogamy is possible?
Define successful, monogamy, and possible.

Is it possible to love two people at the same time?
Absolutely. Especially if it’s only for one night.

Is there something wrong with me if i find ke$ha attractive?
No. I’m sure she’d be a delightful hate fuck.

Do you believe in marriage?
Not as it’s been historically practiced.

I used to like you. Now you suck. What happened?
You started farting in front of me and the sex got boring, so I mentally checked out of our relationship.

I love/hate you. What’s wrong with me?
Nothing. To know me is to love/hate me.

What do you do when you can’t go out?
Myself.

Can anybody hear me?
Yes. Better question: does anybody care?

Should i quit my job?
Go find another one first.

Vet school or medical school?
Medical school.

Thong or boy shorts?
Boy shorts.

TLC or Destiny’s Child?
The Supremes.

Would you suck my penis?
Leave me alone, Tiger Woods.

The sex was so good he said, “I love you,” even when he didn’t mean it.
He meant it, but he was talking to your pussy.

Any tips for an aspiring male bartender?
Shut up and pour my drink.

What do you think of people who shoplift?
Petty crime is for petty people.

What do you think of girls making the first move?
Somebody’s gotta do it.

Why can’t I stop getting myself piss drunk to seek male attention?
We’ve been over this. You hate yourself.

If you had herpes, how would you carry on your life?
With a Valtrex prescription and a warning label.

Should burquas be banned?
No. They should just fall out of fashion.

Why did you not answer my question?
I got over a thousand questions last month. It’s nothing personal.

Why are you so cranky and bitchy?
That’s how I react to stupidity.

Are you addicted to cigarettes?
Nope. I smoke when I’m with smokers.

What do you think of men like tucker max?
Men? No, no. Those are boys.

Do you think that we are all bisexual people?
That assumes only two genders.

I’m pregnant. How do I tell him?
After the abortion.

How do you tell your best friend that her boyfriend is truly unfortunate looking?
Start off by being shallow and then say something condescending that you’ll regret later.

Do you think Chuck Taylor shoes are sexy on girls?
On girls, sometimes yes. Oddly enough, never on guys.

Your hatred for cats is completely understandable. But do you hate dogs, too?
I love puppies! Puppies, puppies, puppies!

Young woman learning to be a bartender; any tips?
Cleavage and a smile, babe.

Why isn’t life as exciting as a Gossip Girl episode?
Gossip Girl? You have very low standards.

What is the difference between Republicans and Democrats?
Nascar.

How do you tell the difference between herpes and a mole?
How do you tell the difference between Paris Hilton and Natalie Portman?

how does a lady keep her legs closed?
Invisible knee cuffs. (Patent pending, bitches.)

He’s playing hard to get. I want to beat him at his own game.
Go nuclear. Fuck one of his friends.

Why am I fat?
I blame the Jews.

How do we get Lindsay Lohan to join our LA Movie Club?
Hire Samantha Ronson to DJ and serve crack.

why do i keep sabotaging my romantic relationships?
Because you hate yourself.

why do i get bored with every guy i’ve been dating recently?
Because you hate yourself.

You seem to dislike cats a lot.
I show respect for all living creatures as they show respect for me.

How do you know when to give up on someone?
When they’ve shown you who they are, and it isn’t enough.

is middle school love pointless?
No. It’s invaluable practice.

Can men and women be friends? Seriously…
When they’re done fucking. Seriously.

How do you keep a man in love?
Be cool.

Coke Talk, do you have any advice for a girl about to lose her virginity?
Have fun. Send me a postcard.

Should I feel obliged to masturbate?
Only on behalf of your own genitals.

who do you think you are, jesus?
No. I actually exist.

Should ugly people be allowed to love?
Each other, yes.

how many pills does it take to commit suicide?
Forty-two.

Do you believe in soul mates?
Fuck no.

He’s a dog person. I’m a cat person. How do we make this work?
Kill the cat.

Where is my mom hiding her cigarettes?
Under her mattress.

Does your boyfriend read your blog?
Yes. So does yours.

why is it so hard to find ketamine these days?
Because you don’t know any Mexican veterinarians.

Why doesn’t my boyfriend want to have sex with me anymore?
Because you got fat.

Why do guys enjoy messing with a woman’s head?
Because it’s attached to your body.

Do guys prefer hairless or trimmed?
They prefer pussy.

What’s your opinion on skinny jeans on males?
Is his band signed? Is his art hanging in a gallery? Didn’t think so.

what’s the difference between a glass dildo and a plastic one?
About eighty bucks.

Have you ever been in love?
Fuck yes.

how often do you have sex?
More than most. Less than some.

is it wrong to enjoy heterosexual sodomy?
The only kind of sodomy that’s wrong is the kind you don’t enjoy.

Tell me why I’m 58 and I have never been fucked or kissed.
Because you put them in that order.

Have you noticed how east coast balls are so much larger than those in the west?
I think you’re confusing bullshit macho posturing for balls.

give me a reason to wake up every morning.
Cheerios.

Chiropractor or physiotherapist?
Whichever your insurance covers.

Job interview attire: pant suit or skirt suit?
Whichever is sexier.

my cat has aids what the fuck do i do oh my god i can’t live with myself
Cat aids. That’s hilarious. Oh wait, you’re not joking?

why do ex boyfriends always call you to ask how your doing?
Either they just saw High Fidelity, or they wanna fuck.

Are you tina fey?
Best. Compliment. Ever.