Advice

On embracing vulnerability.

Been meaning to write you last week, but it seemed the problem worked itself out until last night…

I’m seeing a guy who’s told me he doesn’t want a girlfriend. That’s fine. One night we’re making out, and clothes are coming off; He starts to tell me how special I am/ that I’m the only girl he’s seeing…all while his monstrous cock is showing through his boxers.

He’s being honest with me, so I decide to tell him he’s not the only guy I’m dating. He recoils, and says he can’t see me if that’s the case. Baffled, I retort and mention he didn’t want a girlfriend. When I ask him if he wants us to be casual/exclusive, he throws it back on me to say it’s not his decision. He told me to get in touch with him “when I come around/know what I want.” I get furious over it because I like him.

Next day he apologizes and says that he wants to see where this goes. We call a truce. We had sex. We continued to enjoy each others company. Which brings me to last night. I saw little claw marks on his arm. He tells me a girl did it. He says, “what? you’re doing you’re thing and I’m doing my thing.” He’s right, so I remain calm, and leave his house. I can’t let him see how angry/jealous I’m getting over this- although I have been going on harmless dates with other guys.

On my home we argue over BBM. He says “this isn’t melrose place, I’m not part of your dating pool, hope your dating works out for you, etc” During this argument he says that he was joking about the scratch marks. He wants to remain friends but has pretty shut me down once again. Ouch. My therapist says he’s playing games. I don’t know whether I’m being played, if I am really hurting him, etc.

I’m losing sleep over this shit, help me…

Okay. What do you want here?

It’s obvious that you’re both totally crushing on each other. You’re also both riddled with a fairly common flavor of insecurity that for the sake of politeness I’ll call naivete instead of immaturity.

You’re both acting too cool for school, all the while neither of you is willing to face the self-evident fact that each of you is vulnerable. You’re losing sleep over this shit because you actually like him.

Own that shit. Be proud of it. Don’t be afraid. Based on his behavior, I can pretty much guarantee he’s upside-down for you too, so all you have to do is be the strong one and call shenanigans on all the bullshit.

Just tell him. You think he’s fucking fantastic and you love his monstrous cock. You wouldn’t mind being his girlfriend for a while, and you’re not ashamed to admit it.

Be straightforward with your feelings, but cushion the message with how cool a fucking chick you are. You’re not asking to be his girlfriend. You’re just letting him know you’d make a damn good one.

When his head stops spinning, he’ll have no choice but to agree. Even if he shoots you down (and he probably won’t), it’s no big deal, because you will have been emotionally honest. You will have been the brave one.

All those bullshit defense mechanisms just add up to a pile of arguments and hurt feelings anyways, so you might as well just put yourself out there. Don’t ever fear being vulnerable. Jealousy is for the weak, and having something emotionally at stake is a good thing.

Remember, you’ve got nothing to lose but what you would have already lost, so be strong and just fucking tell him how you feel.

Good luck!

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Advice

On starting a blog.

I’ve been whining to my friends like a bitch in heat for days about wanting to start my own blog. In order to finally get these retarded and sometimes slightly amusing thoughts of mine out there to disturb the general public.

While I have the support of my friends and family. I don’t have the abundance of balls you seem to exhibit, to just fucking go for it. I allow fear of both failure and success to keep their unflinching hold over me.

Would it be too forward of me to ask for a proverbial bitch slap in the right direction?

Bitch slap? Sure.

Do you have any idea how fucking easy it is to start a blog these days? Got the internet and some fingers? Click here. Now type your email address. Choose a password. Pick a clever handle.

Boom. There, you’re welcome.

The benevolent geniuses over at Tumblr have just given you a simple, elegant, and highly customizable digital soapbox absolutely motherfuckingly free.

Do you have any idea how jaw-droppingly awesome that is? It’s roughly the equivalent of Conde Nast showing up at your dorm room and offering free hand-jobs to whoever wants to publish their own magazine.

You have no idea how lucky you are to live in an era where these kinds of publishing tools are available at no risk and no cost.

Say thank you. Now, go deserve it.

Start typing with the confident knowledge that you have nothing to lose, and that if you have anything at all interesting to say, really cool and fascinating people from all over the planet will start reading your shit.

Good luck. Let me know how it goes.

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Best-Of Advice

On how not to get used

“If you don’t want to get used, then be present in the relationship and accept personal responsibility for the decisions you make with your own body. Do that, and he won’t be able to use you. At worst, all he’ll be able to do is lie to you.”

Can you just explain that a bit more? I love it, but I’m having a hard time grasping it in those words.

I mean… I understand not letting yourself be used to an extent, but what if you’re not even aware of it? Does that make sense?

Anyway, I’d just like more of an explanation.

Whenever I hear a girl complain of being used by a guy, I instantly lose respect for her. It’s evidence of a victim mentality, one of the most unattractive traits anyone can have.

“He never really liked me,” she’ll whine. “He never really wanted to be with me. All he really wanted me for was sex.”

That kind of shit drives me crazy.

What she’s actually saying is that she entered into an unspoken contract where she would provide him with access to her vagina in exchange for some combination of affectionate attention and emotional security. He then failed to deliver on that unspoken contract, and now she’s pissed.

All I hear is a prostitute complaining that she didn’t get paid, and you know what? Tough shit. If you’re going to be a prostitute, the first rule is always get the money up front.

That’s what this all comes down to, really — girls who don’t know any better because they’re raised to think that sex is a barter currency in their romantic relationships.

Fuck that. If you insist on treating your pussy like a commodity, then you’re an idiot if you trade it for anything but cash.

It’s your body, and it’s your relationship. Do what you want with both, but be adult enough to accept personal responsibility for the decisions you make.

An unspoken contract is no contract at all. A man doesn’t owe you anything for sleeping with you. If he does, accept your role as a prostitute, and recognize that you’re kind of an idiot for expecting payment in affectionate attention and emotional security.

Now, here’s the part that always blows my mind. Some of you reading this right now are saying to yourselves, “I’m no prostitute, but how am I supposed to get affectionate attention and emotional security from a guy without fucking him?”

If that’s you, go sit in the corner. You don’t get to play anymore.

The rest of you probably get my point, even if you think it’s a bit unsavory. It boils down to this: if you don’t want to get used for sex, get the money up front, or don’t expect payment at all.

All I’m saying is that sex shouldn’t be treated like a commodity in traditional romantic relationships. Once you’ve internalized this notion and really put it into practice, then you’ll find it impossible for a man to use you for sex.

He can lie to you. He can deceive you. He can be a total douchebag asshole, but he can never use you.

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Advice

On the humorless and ignorant.

Dear Hater,

I am religious and I am tolerant of others’ beliefs as they may differ from my own. I have really enjoyed reading your work here but I take exception to being labeled a dumbass because of my religion. And, yay your bookshelf, no I don’t have sacred texts lined up like cookbooks at my house, and I haven’t since I was in college, but I took several courses in theology and several more in philosophy so um yeah I think that I can claim to have taken a pretty robust critical look at my beliefs. Especially considering that I was a lifelong atheist until a couple of years ago (long after those college days). I was never such an atheist, though, as to line up for any bigotry.

So, you don’t need my tolerance (below). I don’t need yours either, but I would certainly hold you in greater esteem if you could spare us your bigoted assumptions about people of faith.

I guess if you live in Los Angeles, you are ok with Jews as long as they are not observant? Pretty much anybody willing to stay out of a church? Probably Buddhists too and maybe Unitarians if they are cool? You really don’t see any inconsistency there?

Maybe you should read more, if you don’t think that religious people examine their own beliefs, if you think that we just sign off our self-determination in exchange for a set of easy answers. You could start with Saint Augustine, “The Literal Interpretation of Genesis.” It is a real eye-opener.

God, you people are boring. I’m gonna go masturbate.

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Advice

On noisy neighbors

I recently moved into a new condo in a new city. My neighbours have EXTREMELY loud sex. Well, it’s mainly her faking it but anyway… The walls are paper-thin. Their sessions are ruining my sleep. I swear next time I see her I will pull her into my apartment and fuck her so that she screams for real and not the monotonous ‘ooh ooh ooh OOOOOOOH’ routine she’s got going on. Please, CokeTalk help me. Any advice is appreciated!

Well, the kind of people who wear pajama sets to bed usually do one of two things. They either pop in some ear plugs as they grumble themselves to sleep, or they go big and slide a passive-aggressive note under their neighbor’s door.

I think you’re looking for something with a bit more flair.

First things first. Next time you see your neighbor you should pull her aside, look her in the eye, and very politely say, “our walls are paper thin. Your noisy fuck sessions are ruining my sleep. For my sake and yours, please keep it down.”

Nothing beats being straightforward.

Now, if she shuts up, cool. That’s it. You’re done. Odds are though, she’s not gonna stop. Bitches like that are just gonna give it to you louder out of spite.

This is when you get yourself a microphone. Any old studio mic from Best Buy should do, but if you decide you want professional quality sound, find a place that will rent you a good surface microphone for a week. Hey, if it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing right.

Next time she has a noisy fuck session, you have yourself a little recording session. What was once annoying will now be fun, and you’ll be doing your best not to laugh out loud and ruin the audio.

Once you’ve gotten at least three or four of her greatest hits, create a new YouTube account. Make little movies with each of the recordings.

Add a title card to each track that reads something like, “I asked my neighbor very politely not to fuck so loudly, but she doesn’t seem to mind that she’s keeping me awake with what sound like very fake orgasms. I hope maybe when she hears this on the internet, she’ll understand just how paper-thin our walls are, and then maybe she will shut the fuck up.”

Once you’ve posted your movies, write down the address of the YouTube account on a piece of paper and slide it under her door.

Beats a passive-aggressive note any day of the week.

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Advice

On me not giving a fuck.

So, do you really think that the only people who truly critically examine their own beliefs will ultimately arrive at your same conclusion, or they aren’t as intelligent or open-minded as you? They failed because you’re not on the same page? Or are there a few derivatives of your apathetic existential nihilism that get your approval? You say you don’t know shit about the nature of the universe, okay, so what authorizes you to say that the beliefs of others are inherently wrong. There’s just as much evidence that Buddha/Jesus/Brahma is real as there is evidence that the supreme overlord of the universe is a CareBear on crack as there is evidence that nobody’s running this show. My only requirement for an open mind is that you admit you don’t know shit. And you tote your atheism/whatever like it’s the dammed answer to everything.  It’s not, it is A answer. Good for you that it’s yours. But it doesn’t mean that you should automatically dismiss anyone who believes differently. Can you say you’re truly open to all possibilities when you’re this dismissive?

Finally, a hater who actually uses full sentences. It’s much appreciated.

First of all, I dispute your accusation that my nihilism is apathetic. On the contrary, my nihilism is passionate. My nihilism has joie de vivre. My nihilism wears heels bigger than your dick.

Secondly, I don’t tote my beliefs around like they’re the answer to everything, nor do I automatically dismiss anyone who believes differently. That’s what religious people do. I’m not religious.

And yes, I’m truly open to all possibilities when I’m this dismissive. There’s a difference between being dismissive to ideas and being dismissive to ignorance. I don’t suffer fools, and I don’t give equal time to idiots. Bring something to the table and we’ll talk.

Who am I to do such a thing? Well for one, I’m not a fucking idiot.

Where do I get the authority to say others are wrong? Fuck you, that’s where. I don’t need authorization to call it like I see it. Feel free to act all butthurt, but no one’s making you follow my advice column, and remember, you’re the one who wrote to me.

On that note, thanks so much for reading. I love my fans.

Toodles!

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Advice

On not having to cum

I’m a nineteen year-old girl. I’m in a great relationship with an incredible guy, and though we’ve had a couple rough patches, overall everything is great. And the sex is great.

But there is one problem – I’ve been masturbating since I was pretty young (four or five), and I think as a result of this, I can never come during sex, or any other sexual act. Don’t get me wrong, everything we do in bed (or wherever else it is we are) feels great, and we’re mutually attracted to each other on various levels (physically, psychologically, in terms of respect, and in terms of little personality quips, etc., etc.), but nothing he does to me can make me orgasm. Usually we have sex, he comes, then I make myself orgasm.

I know you’re not in the medical field, but is there any advice you can impart unto my situation? Should I just cut out the masturbating so I can “train” my vagina to orgasm in other ways? I’ve also read (from you, actually, hah) that some women are anatomically incapable of orgasming via sex before they’re twenty or so. Could this be the case with me?

I’d appreciate anything you can offer up.

Wait, no. I think you’re a little confused about what I said. I was quoting Dr. Drew, and he didn’t say anatomically. He said physiologically. There is a huge distinction between those two terms.

Also, I was referring to women who had never had an orgasm. This does not apply to you, as apparently you’ve been diddling yourself since kindergarten.

As for your current situation, I think it’s probably a waste of time to “train” your vagina with negative reinforcement techniques like it’s a dog that won’t pee outside. I’m not saying I’m a pussy whisperer, but that’s not how it works.

Furthermore, the fact that you’ve yet to cum during sex has nothing to do with when you started flicking your bean. There is no causal link between your long masturbatory track record and your current inability to have orgasms during sex.

I’ve said it before, but quit feeling responsible for each other’s orgasms. When you say things like, “nothing he does to me can make me orgasm,” I want to throw my hands up and scream, “duh!” Only you can make yourself orgasm. It’s a mental state that only you control. He can’t get you there. That’s your job.

Just take a step back. Sex is not all about the orgasm. Stop focusing on it so much. Make him stop focusing on it so much.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that your problem isn’t a problem. Quit making it one and just enjoy yourself.

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Advice

On not dating.

Coke Talk, how do you feel about NOT dating? I am in my mid-twenties, I moved to NYC less than 6 months ago, and I’ve already dated half the archetypes in this city. (Artist, equity sales trader, journalist.) It’s all fun and games until… it isn’t. I’d like to cool my jets and just figure shit out, but my friends say I’m wasting valuable time looking for a man. The “single gal in the city” thing is a nightmare archetype, but it can be difficult to resist. On top of that, every man in NYC thinks you either want to get married or just have some casual sex. (There is no middle ground here, which blows, since I just moved here from Florida.) I’d like some advice for the gals who want to have peace of mind. Is it alright to just chill the fuck out and not date for a few months? Or do we always need to “get on the game” and prowl? I celibacy so terrible for a month?

Go stand on any street corner in the city. See all those taxis with their “off duty” light turned on? They’ve got an illuminated god-damned sign, but some drunk asshole is still gonna try and flag ‘em down.

Those cabbies don’t stop. They don’t give a rat’s ass what gets yelled at them, and neither should you.

Just chill the fuck out, sister. Turn on your “off duty” light, ignore the drunks, and take all the time you need just enjoying the ride.

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Advice

On your ass.

I’m 16 and I recently got a very small exterior hemroid (sorry if that’s kinda gross) and I’m kinda scared no guy would like to have sex with me because of it. I’m trying my best to cure it but i’m not sure it will and my parents don’t give a shit about me so I’m just stuck here in the middle.

You’re sixteen. It’s time to start taking care of your own ass. Literally.

First thing’s first. Learn to spell hemorrhoid. Next, adjust your diet. Start eating bran muffins and Metamucil. Stay hydrated. Always be drinking water. Go get some Preparation H and use it for its intended purpose.*

Finally, you need to adjust your priorities. Your ass is on fire and your parents suck. You’ve got bigger problems than having underage sex. Besides, anybody with VIP access to your balloon knot isn’t going to care anyways.

Go get healthy, kiddo. Don’t worry. You’ll be fine.

* On a side note, you can also use Preparation H to reduce puffiness underneath your eyes when you’re two days in to a hardcore weekend. Classic old-school party girl trick.

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