Caught him fucking my sister. Him, I can dump. What do I do about her?
Be rightfully pissed as long as you need to be. Eventually forgive her, and then never trust her around your man again.

I feel like my life has no story yet.
It does. You just don’t know how to tell it.

How do you deal with people who send too many text messages?
Tell them to stop sending so many text messages. Duh. If blocking them isn’t an option, you can always just assign them a silent ring tone and ignore them.

I have the exact same position on gun licensing. So how would you feel about a birthing license?
Fuck that ridiculous hypothetical. A birthing license is an Orwellian infringement on a woman’s natural right to control her own reproductive health. (You don’t have a natural right to own a gun. At best, it’s just a legal right, which is why I have no problem with gun licensing.)

I’m an atheist at a Catholic university. What should I take to fulfill the six credit theology requirement?
Take whatever classes you can in comparative religion. Look for classes that are centered around theological critique, especially ones that infuse current scientific debate into the curriculum.

Why did you choose not to marry money?
Because of the man it came with.

Oh, I get it – Coquette sounds like “Coke Head”
Welcome to the party.

Thoughts on casual sex with men who say they’re married but in an open marriage? I usually assume they’re full of shit, but do you have a general policy on this type of situation?
If you know the guy’s wife, get her permission first. If not, it’s up to you whether you want to take the guy’s word for it.

We had fire, I told him I liked him, now we have smoldering embers. But sometimes it sparks up again and we both get kind of lost in the smoke. What the hell is going on?
What’s going on is a situation where a dude isn’t that into you, but still wants to fuck you on occasion, so you let him, which leads to confusion in the form of overextended fire metaphors.

I want to get a French degree, despite the knowledge that it will be essentially useless to me. But it’s what I love! Is there any merit to the “follow your dreams” cliché?
Sure, there’s plenty of merit if you’re independently wealthy and want an excuse to live in Paris, but don’t go into debt for a useless degree.

Is being agnostic, but retaining certain practices of the religion that you grew up with misguided or hypocritical?
Nah. Tradition is important. If certain religious rituals connect you to friends and family, there’s no harm in partaking. Besides, at the end of the day, pretty much everyone is at least a little bit agnostic.

Should we be preparing for another, and this time far more painful, financial collapse?
You can prepare, but it won’t matter. If the kind of economic collapse you’re referring to actually happens, it will be accompanied soon after by a third world war that sparks in the Middle East and pits the West against a Russia-China Axis over control of dwindling energy resources. Wheee!

I’m interested in what you think of Veronica Bayetti Flores’ op-ed piece on Lorde’s ‘Royals’ she wrote for feministing.com. She thinks the lyrics are “deeply racist.” Thoughts?
Yeah, that was a brain fart that accidentally got published. The problem with the feminist echo chamber (as with all echo chambers) is that when somebody farts, it’s super loud.

Do you like candy corn?
No one likes candy corn.

Is Kanye West deluded?
Nope. He’s a grandiose narcissist, but he’s not at all deluded, because he really is a genius who makes dope shit.

Why the fuck do I hate myself so much?
You don’t hate yourself. You hate an identity that you associate with yourself, and you can’t tell the difference.

I love him, but why don’t I trust him?
I have no idea, but you better fix that shit or your relationship is fucked.

Would you give a blow-job for money?
Make me an offer.

I feel like I want to break up with him, but I have no other friends.
You will make some.

My little brother died a couple weeks ago. I needed to find Supersymmetry, so thank you.
I’m so sorry for your loss.

The clean, accessible diversion into quantum mechanics was unexpected and awesome. Any particular reason you picked up that knowledge along the way?
I like to hang out at the fuzzy theoretical edges of human knowledge. I don’t understand the math, but I definitely understand the poetry.

“You should know I don’t react well to a condescending tone.” Funny, considering so many of your answers have a condescending tone.
Feel free not to react well.

Please teach me to love my haters the way you love yours. I’m sick of letting them get to me.
Quit taking it personally, because it’s not about you. None of it is, especially comment-level bullshit on the internet.

If nothing matters why do I have to live by the rules? Why should I do anything I don’t want to do?
Because your actions have consequences. You don’t have to live by the rules. You don’t have to do anything at all, but your life will become a miserable shit storm if you don’t learn how to play along.

Is ted cruz a genius or just deluded?
Ted Cruz is a man with a high IQ who uses it for evil because of a delusional belief system.

Is polyamorous a sexual orientation?
Polyamorous is a relationship preference. Polysexual is an orientation.

How do you know multiple sex workers well since your not in the business?
Do you think that all sex workers live in a magical whore house in the sky? They walk among us, my friend. It ain’t that big a deal.

Why am I sick of you even though I love you?
Because we’re in a long term relationship.

Settle a bet my friend’s and I have about you: vanilla, dominant, submissive, or switch. My money’s on switch.
You won the bet.

Will there ever be a Disney movie with a gay protagonist?
You obviously haven’t been watching closely enough.

What is your favourite element in the periodic table?
Carbon

Is this the first generation of daughters holding their mothers accountable?
Ha! No. This is the first generation with the internet. Other than that, it’s all pretty much the same.

Why am I still determining my self-worth though men’s sexual interest?
Because you don’t believe you bring anything to the table other than the ass you put in the chair.

If “the human condition is a death march of futility and decay,” which I agree with, is there any good reason for a person to have kids?
Most people tend to find purpose in their children, and there’s something to be said for perpetuating the species.

A friend of mine told me that having a Facebook account these days is like having a cellphone, it’s no longer optional. What are your thoughts on this?
Facebook is optional. A cellphone is optional. It’s all fucking optional, but hey, your friend is just being a good little consumer.

Do you ever worry about how much the lifestyle you advocate reflects the sinister message of Brave New World? I mean, the majority of your posts seem to boil down to “have some soma, you’ll be fine.”
Yep, that’s me, just another disillusioned Alpha Plus lecturer at the College of Emotional Engineering writing endless propaganda for the World State.

I got fired for missing a staff meeting today. (I’ve been working at a coffee place for 2 months). I forgot about the meeting. How can I get my job back?
You didn’t get fired for missing the staff meeting. You got fired for being the kind of person who misses staff meetings. There’s a difference, and that’s the lesson you need to take away from this.

Can you give a compelling argument why we shouldn’t abolish minimum wage?
Sure. The rich don’t need to get any richer, and the poor don’t need to get any poorer. Minimum wage plays a small role in combating obscene wealth inequality. That’s a good thing, and anyone who disagrees is an asshole.

Does Los Angeles still make you weak in the knees?
Not really, no. I still love LA, but I’m not in love anymore, you know? Sometimes I fantasize about moving to other cities. It feels like cheating.

My boyfriend has gained some weight and I feel like a shit person for being less attracted to him now.
Yeah, being shallow sucks. Sorry your boyfriend is gross.

Rihanna’s ‘Pour it Up’ made me think of you.
Thanks, but I’m not gonna start critiquing music videos just because you say they make you think of me.

Bonnie McKee’s “American Girl” video makes me think of you.
Okay, now you’re just being silly.

Sinead vs. Miley. Care to weigh in?
Sinead’s open letter was condescending and misguided, but her heart was in the right place. She’s wrong about Miley being exploited, though. Miley is the one doing the exploiting.

Haven’t you obtained a potentially-ostentatious amount of wealth by working hard?
Ha! No.

If I won’t receive material wealth and happiness through hard work, what is the point of living? Terrible question. I’ll think about this. Thanks.
I’ve said it before, there is no point. Work hard if you can. Attain material wealth if you can. Be happy if you can. Whatever. There’s still no point.

I don’t want to get old. Please make it stop.
Growing old is a privilege reserved for the lucky and the strong, so quit your fucking whining and accept the fact that the human condition is a death march of futility and decay.

Is rose wine tacky? Or for grandmas? Damnit I like it.
That shit is fucking delicious. Just don’t ever bring around a bottle of white zinfandel acting like it’s rosé.

Do you think sex is overrated?
What’s being sold to you as sex is overrated.

What’s the difference between snark and sass?
Proximity.

Will you be my mom?
Hell no.

What’s the difference between yearn and crave? How do I know when I yearn or crave for something?
To yearn is emotional. To crave is physiological. A yearning is satisfied through feelings while a craving is satisfied through the senses.

I always hear the term ‘man-child’ thrown around, but I’d like to know your definition. What’s my litmus test to spot undercover, underdeveloped douchebags?
A man-child refuses to take personal responsibility. That’s his defining characteristic. Look for a consistent “it’s not my fault” attitude or inability to apologize. That’s always a reliable litmus test.

How do I reconcile my atheism with my spirituality?
You don’t need a supernatural god to hold the mysteries of the universe sacred.

Why am I so incredibly sexually attracted to people with whom I have nothing in common?
Because sexual attraction has nothing to do with compatibility. (And that’s perfectly okay. You don’t have to form attachments to the people you fuck.)

everything is doing better than ever but still feels bleak.
Then you’re fucked, because better than ever is as good as it gets.

What do you do when you can’t fall asleep?
This. Also Xanax.

If I sent you question around two months ago and haven’t received an answer yet, is it safe to assume that it’ll never be answered?
Yeah, but if it’s still relevant, feel free to ask again.